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Jan6
Feeling Sadness About Having AS
6 CommentsI’ve noticed in the past week that I don’t have a lot of energy for relating to people outside my family. It may simply be that it’s January in New England and my energy is low, but this lassitude seems related to having Asperger’s Syndrome, so I thought I’d share my feelings.
Now that I have a diagnosis, I am hyper-aware of what an effort it takes for me to enter into an exchange with another person. I feel myself pulling energy up from deep inside. I’ve been working hard at communication all my life, but now I notice how much it takes out of me. A part of me is saying, “Don’t bother trying to connect. Just settle in, hibernate, and keep conversation to a minimum.” This feeling is in very sharp contrast to how I usually feel about going to my volunteer work and running errands. I usually look forward to being around people. I have a lot of good energy to give and I generally enjoy sharing it.
So why do I feel this way right now?
For one thing, I’m conscious of the cost. I know that when I get home, my mind and body will be very tired.
For another, I’m conscious of my blindness to nonverbal communication, and this blindness saddens me. The people I work with at the store are wonderful. They’re interesting, funny, kind, non-conformist, and welcoming. I can see those qualities quite clearly, but I’m aware of how much I can’t see. I’m aware of how much is being communicated by body language and facial expression that I’m missing. I wish I could connect in the same way.
But instead, I have only words. I have plenty of them, and I used to think that was enough. It doesn’t feel that way right now. Right now, I feel very limited.
Last week, I said to my husband that I’m enjoying people much more these days because I don’t expect them to be my friends. I know it sounds cynical, but I don’t feel cynical about it. In fact, I feel a kind of detachment and acceptance that I’ve been searching for all my life. I have my close friends, and as I look back, these friends weren’t people I sought out. I just happened upon them, and we clicked. So if I happen upon another friend, all well and good, but it’s easier on everyone if I don’t expect it. That way, people don’t disappoint me, and I don’t resent them. It’s good to be moving on from that paradigm.
So, when I’m feeling good, I’m very happy letting people be themselves and enjoying them for who they are. When I’m feeling low, I feel very insufficient. At the moment, I wish I had a blind man’s cane when I enter the social world so that people would know that I can’t see what’s right in front of me. The fact that this disability is invisible is very difficult.
But being a practical person, I must have a plan. So tonight, I sent an email to an AS-literate therapist, asking whether she knows any therapists in my area who could provide emotional support. I’ve learned that my last therapist, who does not know very much about AS, would not be helpful about the issues I’m facing. I miss having someone to go to for support and guidance, so it’s time to set out and find a good counselor.
I’m also going to contact an occupational therapist about an hour from my home. I need to get a sensory assessment and begin some sensory integration work. Because of the winter storms, I’ve been putting it off, but I need to make the appointment and hope for decent weather.
And I must remember: we are in the dead of winter here in New England. I will feel much better when I can see the earth under my feet.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
6 Responses to “Feeling Sadness About Having AS”
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I found this also – since becoming aware of the nature of my problems I do have days where I feel really lost and fed up about it. I suppose I always thought that, eventually, I’d GET people and things would suddenly click and I wouldn’t feel such an outsider anymore. Knowing that it probably won’t ever happen makes me feel alternately relieved and then despondent – only natural I guess.
The time of year doesn’t help – for me, Christmas is always exhausting and I have to hibernate for a while to recover! Good on you for getting some support
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Not expecting people to be friends is a good thing. I think we tend to lead with our hearts and get hurt alot. Just being near people without expecting the Norman Rockwell moments is a good thing for us.
Learn to be happy without being around people. Even NTs need to do this. It’s good to rely on ourselves for entertainment, nurturing, etc. When we can do this for ourselves, doing it for others is easier and less draining on us.
Understanding your low energy ebbs is good, too. Trying to push oneself past the point of being able to function “just because” isn’t good. We find, in our AS family that often after going out to a movie, or shopping, we all tend to come home and sequester ourselves for awhile to recharge our batteries. It’s AS and no sense fighting it.
Don’t mourn for social skills you’ll never had. Inventory what you can do and expound on it.
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Hi Ra and LizzieK8–Thanks so much for your words of sympathy and support.
I took yesterday off to recharge and went back to the store today. I had a great time with the people, and felt much like my usual self there. It’s good for me to see that when I give myself the space I need one day, I can go back into the world the next and enjoy myself.
By the way…Very nice empathizing going on here, don’t you think?
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I guess the question is whether a blind person can enjoy a conversation with a person who can see. After all, they’d be missing a lot of non-verbal things too.
Sure, as aspies we have to work sooo much harder at conversation – and often we decide that it’s all too much.
That’s ok.
I’ve found that lots of people are very accepting of my condition and its limitations.
At the same time though, it’s better to celebrate the strengths of your condition than to dwell in its weaknesses.
I understand your need for emotional support. It’s a difficult thing to convince an NT partner of. Going to see a therapist is probably good but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’d be paying someone to give me emotional support when a good friend should (by definition) be doing the job.
Perhaps getting your husband to read a little bit out of an emotional support book (like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) would help. If he won’t read the whole book, maybe get it and photocopy just a couple of pages. (photocopying is better than giving him a book and saying just read these pages)
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Hi Gavin,
Thanks for your comments. I agree with you about celebrating my strengths and not dwelling on my weaknesses. My goal is to find the balance point. I need to honor my feelings of sadness and frustration when they arise while nurturing my strengths and my sense of purpose.
I should say (since I haven’t made it clear in my posts yet!) that my husband is very supportive and has been with me every step of the way. He was in the office for the assessment, and he celebrated along with me when I got the diagnosis. My close friends are also very supportive.
I’ve done some good work with therapists and have found therapy to be useful. I’d like to continue with that, but only if the therapist knows something about AS. Otherwise, I’ll be doing *way* too much explaining.
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John Dale Lyons January 26th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I have always had to deal with depression and anxiety, alongside AS and ADD. Sometimes I get frustrated at myself and wish I was “normal.” That was particularly true when I was younger. Other times, I am happy that I am different and not a boring ole NT (LOL). At any rate, just as you can’t seperate the dancer from the dance (Yeats) so too I can’t seperate what I “have” from who I am. It’s a part of me.
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