I learned something from my occupational therapist about sensory defensiveness that has proved very helpful.
Last week, before I went in for my appointment, my OT called to get some background information. At one point in the call, she asked me which senses get highly overloaded. I told her that I have a lot of trouble with visual and auditory stimuli, and that I also find light touch very difficult. For example, when my husband comes over to me while I’m writing and gently kisses me on the head, I feel like I want to execute a self-defense block and shout “Stop!” It’s the light touch combined with the fact that I also happen to be using another sense at the time that puts me over the top.
In describing the feelings of anger that rise inside me, I told my OT that I used to say to myself, “Girl, where is this anger coming from? You’ve got a lot of issues.” But now, I realize that it’s just my nervous system that can’t handle light touch or too much sensory input at once.
She very emphatically agreed, saying, “Yes, that’s right. It’s not psychological. It’s your nervous system defending itself.”
My nervous system defending itself.
Wow. That’s exactly right.
This morning, I had an experience in which, for the first time, I was able to watch this process and see the way it works. I was sitting down to breakfast and pouring water out of a Brita pitcher into a glass. I hadn’t realized that my husband had just filled the top of the pitcher with water, and that the water hadn’t gone through the filter yet. So, when I went to pour the water into the glass, all the unfiltered water in the top of the pitcher spilled all over the table.
I jumped backward, uttered an expletive, and got very upset. I found myself about to go upstairs and get angry at my husband, when I stopped and looked at what had happened. I’d been so startled by seeing the water spill unexpectedly, and by getting cold water on myself, that my nervous system was completely agitated. I thought, “Wow, I get it. This anger is just my nervous system defending itself.”
After cleaning up the spill, I walked upstairs and decided to talk with my husband about it. I said, “Honey, I think perhaps my nonverbal cue of leaving the top off the Brita pitcher when I first pour water in wasn’t direct enough. So, could you start leaving the top off the pitcher when the water hasn’t gone through the filter yet? Or maybe leave the top on sideways, as a signal? I just spilled the water all over the table.” So we talked about it a bit and came up with some strategies, and that was very nice.
But I was still quite agitated. I was flapping my hands all over the place and lifting myself up and down on the balls of my feet. Before I left the room, I realized that I didn’t want my husband to think I was agitated because of him. So I said, “I want you to understand. I’m not angry at you at all. It may sound like it, but that’s because my nervous system is in overdrive. It’s not your fault. It’s just going to take a little while for me to wind down.” And then I went back to the kitchen and had breakfast.
What a change! In the past, a moment like that would have triggered an angry outburst. If it had happened when I was already overloaded and at my wit’s end, it might have turned into a meltdown.
So now I know that when I feel myself get angry over these small things, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just my nervous system defending itself. I can just watch the feeling and listen to what it’s telling me. In this case, my nervous system was saying, “Hey! That was really unexpected, wet, cold, and messy. Please, clean up the spill, get me warm, and try to avoid this particular mishap again, because I really, really don’t like it.”
Imagine. If every Aspie in the world could verbalize that experience, and if other people could understand what it means. What a different experience of life that would be for everyone!
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
You are my hero. Seriously. I want to be able to do that, too.
Okay, I’m trying to figure all this out and I want to ask something without sounding like an insensitive jerk…
Your nervous system response sounds fairly normal to me. It’s the reactive behavior that is just a bit off. Is the inability to analyze your feelings and react rationally to upsetting stimuli the Aspie trait or are you saying that the nervous system reaction is the Aspie trait? Or maybe I don’t understand at all.
I think anyone would feel startled and upset if they unexpectedly dumped water everywhere. The startle and disruption might even make many people feel a little off or shaken for a few minutes, but I think most would temper their response because they could seperate from their initial reaction, like you did this time, and realize that it wasn’t intentional and that patience and rational discussion works better than yelling and tantruming to let off steam.
Forgive me, put it just sounds like the problem is in not being able to get ration to override emotion so that you can rationally handle emotional situations. I’m not trying to burst your bubble, but I am just having a hard time understanding why this is different from an NT response. I think I would feel about the same as you described in the water pitcher situation, but I would probably be able to reign in my initial impulse to go off and then stop and think through how to handle it. Then dealing with the situation correctly would lead to calm. And in this case, this is what you did. So what’s new?
An NT response would be for the nervous system to be startled, and then to calm down rather quickly on its own. I have seen other people in my family spill water, and they don’t get as agitated as I do. In fact, my husband doesn’t get agitated at all, and my daughter gets startled and then gets to work cleaning up the spill. They are both NT.
These types of situations have very little to do with rationality failing to override emotion, because emotions are not the trigger. The trigger is a hypersensitive nervous system. The Aspie nervous system goes into emergency response to things that NTs find quite manageable. For example, I’ve never seen an NT flapping his/her hands or rocking on the balls of his/her feet in response to water spilling. That is my nervous system talking, not my emotions. It is a purely physical response. Hand flapping and rocking are stims. They help to calm down the system.
For me, the only way to get a handle on my emotions is to listen to my nervous system. If I do, I no longer feel like an idiot for getting so agitated over water spilling. If I feel like an idiot, I am much more likely to react in anger and frustration. That is generally what happens when people feel lousy about themselves. If I accept what my nervous system can and can’t do, I’m less likely to take react in negative ways. I’ll realize that it’s just my brain wiring, not a character flaw, that causes me to be hypersensitive in these kinds of situations.
Thanks, Quirky Mom!
I’ve rarely had responses as extreme as yours, but awareness of what’s going on has been very important to me in managing how I respond to various stimuli. It’s been a learning process in which I first looked at the situation only after it happened, then was gradually able to move closer in my awareness to the actual event while it was happening. Very often, that’s allowed me to short-circuit the over-response. I don’t know if that’s possible when the nervous system is as sensitive as yours, but it might be worth trying to pursue as a conscious strategy.
Thank you so much for an excellent and insightful article.
Generally, I have learned not to “overreact” to physical stimuli like that (except if I’m having a bad day) but I do spazz out on emotional stimuli. Especially in my social life; at work I’m always “on guard” and “on my best behavior” because I don’t want to loose my job. (I’m spolied; I’m used to living indoors). Sometimes all that extra self-control is exhausting, and makes later blow-ups worse than they would be. NT’s, even some who are AS literate, think you can just “get it together.” When I was a kid I never could. Now, it’s 50/50.
I’m amazed that you posted this at this time. Just yesterday, I was talking with the OT we are about to have my daughter see, and she mentioned the concept of “sensory defensiveness” which I’d not heard before. It describes exactly what happens to my daughter. I really appreciate your describing it so clearly. Realizing it must feel like a huge breakthrough for you, and I really appreciate your sharing the discovery here.
Thanks, Diane.
When I was growing up, I can remember watching my father (most likely an Aspie) and feeling that he was constantly on the defensive against everything, as though the world were like the sun and he was constantly shielding his eyes. He used to tell me all the time, “Don’t be like me. Go out there in the world and have a good time.” I took his advice and went out into the world, but I didn’t have the words to understand why I had the same feeling of being overwhelmed that he did.
It’s so good to know that your daughter will have the words, and that many others in her generation will be able to understand their own experience. I hope all goes well in her work with the OT.
Aw man, you made me cry with your last comment. This is what did it: “He used to tell me all the time, “Don’t be like me. Go out there in the world and have a good time.” I took his advice and went out into the world, but I didn’t have the words to understand why I had the same feeling of being overwhelmed that he did.” I really want to show my daughter how to go out into the world and have a good time, too, not just tell her to do it. I hope we can manage it.
Quirky Mom, you will do fine because you already know what you’re dealing with and you’re putting it into words. That’s the basis of strategizing our way through the world and finding all those places in which we can shine.
Rachel, thanks for answering my clumsy question. I get it to a certain extent.
I can get agitated and overwhelmed when there is too much noise or too many demands at once, so I get that my son behaves badly and overreacts because he is easily overwhelmed or over sensitive, but it is hard to understand the overreaction to things that happen almost everyday. If I know something is coming, I can usually deal with it; but he can’t seem to. This is why spectrum kids often get accused of being brats I guess.
China, not to worry. The process of learning about AS is not smooth or easy for anyone, and asking questions helps to move the process along.
I often learn something from the questions that people ask. In the course of formulating an answer, I usually see things that I didn’t see as clearly before. So keep asking!
This is great way to understand what is happening. Never thought of it like that before.
Isn’t it an amazing way to look at things? I’ve found this approach to be very helpful in a number of different situations.
All I could think after reveling in the utter simplicity of what your OT told you is “oh my gosh that is so accurate! And I may just have to accept a bill from Rachel’s OT for this insight!” ~ lol
I have only just recently begun to modulate my responses to the sudden sensory events that annoy, aggravate and cause what seems to be an over the top response from me. Now I have the words (did I mention how much I love “words”?) to describe and understand what is happening to me. Thank you to the OT! And to you Rachel for maintaining this blog.