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Feb1
Questions on Growing Up Aspie
9 CommentsLast week, Erin asked some great questions about raising an Aspie daughter. My situation is a bit different, in that I’m an Aspie mother raising a neuro-typical daughter, but my experience might be of some help.
Erin began by saying:
“I’m trying hard to understand how my daughter thinks. I don’t ever want her to get the idea that she’s broken, or needs to be fixed, or needs to conform or submit to someone’s ideal of normal, etc. I want her to believe in herself while learning to navigate the NT world, if that makes sense. But the social stuff is hard for her (already, she’s 5 and it’s only going to get worse).”
Here are Erin’s questions, along with my answers:
1. How did you navigate friendships when you were young?
When I was in grammar school, I didn’t have too many problems with friendships. One reason was that I tended to favor boys over girls. I felt that I had more in common with boys. They were more likely to be athletes like me, and they were more straightforward than girls. Plus, they didn’t spend recess talking about their hair or their clothes, two subjects that did not interest me in the least. In fact, they didn’t spend time at recess talking at all, so I was relieved of the obligation of standing around and trying to figure out how a conversation works. Instead, we played whatever sport someone had in mind at the moment. It didn’t matter what we played, so long as we were running around and screaming our heads off.
I also made an effort to befriend girls who were outsiders. My parents told me that I should seek out the girls who were excluded. My mother and father were not religious people, but they had pride in being Jewish and felt that this was the Jewish way. They said that because we Jews have faced isolation and exclusion, it’s incumbent upon us to reach out to people in similar situations. So I did, and gained both good friends and a sense of moral power.
Another aspect of grammar school that made life easier was that I went to a small, conservative, well-run public school. There were lots of rules there, and the rules were enforced very fairly and consistently. The principal did not allow any kind of physical fighting to go on in his school. If two boys were caught fighting on the playground, he would call an all-school assembly (grades K-8) and read us the riot act. Everyone feared him, but he made school a very, very safe place. I did not feel uncomfortable there, because the prime directive was that kids be safe with one another, and that helped me to feel good about myself.
But then, there was high school. High school changed everything. I had a very, very difficult time. I went from a small grammar school to a very large, chaotic high school. The social relationships became more complex, and I couldn’t navigate them very well at all. I gave up sports (young ladies did not play baseball in those days), and I felt like a ghost most of the time. I spent a lot of time faking it, pretending that I knew what was going on when I had no clue. Each year, I would choose a girl I wanted to emulate and spend the whole year trying to act like her and be like her.
Apparently, this is quite common for Aspie girls. It took me many years of work in adulthood to assert my personality and to take up my share of the space on this planet.
2. How about family relationships?
My family was quite dysfunctional and very overwhelming to the senses. I gravitated to the calmest people in the family–my maternal grandparents and one of my uncles. They were always very kind and very loving. I can feel myself relaxing just thinking about them.
3. With all the ways you were different from other people, how did you find empowerment and confidence?
Being an athlete helped tremendously when I was a kid. I felt very powerful being able to pitch, to hit a baseball out of the infield, and to run and slide and do all the things that girls weren’t supposed to be able to do.
When I was in high school, I traded in athletics for music. I participated in every musical activity the school had to offer—marching band, orchestra, jazz band, concert choir, and the vocal ensemble. I was the piano accompanist for the ensemble and for a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. I learned how to play the alto sax so that I could be in the jazz band, and I loved to sing and to play the guitar.
It’s a tragedy that so many schools have cut their music and arts programs. Without an excellent music program in high school, I might easily have used drugs to deal with my feelings of isolation. I was very, very fortunate to live in the time and place I did.
But the most important thing I’ve ever done for a sense of personal empowerment was to train in a martial art. When my daughter was seven, I got her involved in a dojo for women and girls, and I joined the dojo when she was about 11. My daughter left at 14 with her purple belt, and I left with my blue belt. (I’d still love to train, but the dojo is too far from where we live now.) Using the empowerment, focus, and agility she learned in karate, my daughter is now a goalie for her school’s soccer team. (And this was a child who actively ran away from the ball her first year.)
I love the dojo because its philosophy is to teach girls and women how to trust their bodies, use their voices, walk with confidence, and defend themselves. There were a number of developmentally disabled girls and women there, and they did just fine. There is no girl or woman who cannot learn a martial art. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have watched girls grow in confidence in beautiful and powerful ways.
At the dojo, they do a lot of work on verbal self-defense, since that is what girls most need on a daily basis. They do a lot of role playing in which a girl is told she is too fat, or too thin, or stupid, or weird, and then everyone has to come up with a way to shield and to respond. It’s a very supportive environment and very affirming of differences.
4. Is that too many questions?
No, not at all. Any and all questions are welcome.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
9 Responses to “Questions on Growing Up Aspie”
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I was wondering if you have any insight on handling friendships in adulthood?
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I have plans to write about that as well. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot. Stay tuned…
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This is oddly familiar;
You were a girl who played with boys and I was a boy who played with girls. We both sought out opposites.
My group at school (many of whom are still good friends now 20+ years after finishing school), was composed of individuals who for various reasons didn’t fit in – outsiders.
I wasn’t into music or arts but my friends and I got involved with the school library and A/V facilities and that kept us “safe” during our high school years.
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John Dale Lyons February 2nd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Rachel: I love when you say: “When you’ve met one person with AS, you’ve met one person with AS.” So much seems familiar, and so much is different for me.
I always had a few close friends, but was never popular until college. My first friend was a girl, so there’s a commonality with you and Gavin. Grammar school and junior high school were hell. The schools themselves and the teachers were fine, but I was picked on. When I went to a (then) small Modern Orthodox yeshiva high school, I thrived academically and socially, but I still had to deal with bullies.
I was not into sports, which made me an oddball, but I liked other masculine things such as cars, other vehicles, and the military. I’m still not much of a sports person. I was bad at it, and was teased for that. But as an adult I discovered Tae Kwan-do, so I understand your joy at your daughter’s accomplishments. (I haven’t been practising for years, but I would like to get back into kickboxing, which is similar to TKD, and I also did). I have always liked odd or “girlie” things such as art, flowers, cats, ants, the planets, dinosaurs, books, science fiction, Judaism (and religion in general), mythology, England and British things. Fortunately I have found an NT woman who shares most of my interests.
I have always liked music, but my poor hand-eye coordination and lack of patience prevented me from learning an instrument. But I can sing, and write song parodies. I often lead services at my synagogue.
My family was a mixed bag. My father suffered from various neuroses, and the divorce got ugly. But I am now close to my stepmother. And I think my dad loved me to the limited extent he could. My mother is wonderful: a friend, role model, and mentor. But she is not warm and fuzzy. My brother was my best friend and a second father figure. He had to sacrifice a lot to have a sibling with AS, but he bore his burden cheerfully, with no grudge or self-pity. But we grew apart when he married a possessive woman, and he tragically died young last year.
All in all, it hasn’t been easy but it could have been worse. One must count the blessings and not be bitter.
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Thank you so much for this post. “I gravitated to the calmest people in the family…” that makes me want to cry. I can see how that will be helpful for my daughter too. I want to be that for her, but even if I’m not, I will make sure that there are others who can be that for her so she will always have someone to go to. As far as martial arts…great idea. I’ll look into that.
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i had mostly female friends when i was young as well, though that has changed a little in my thirties. i was never interested in sports, but was one of the tallest kids in my class until late high school, so bullying was limited to verbal taunts from only a few boys who knew they would get away with it, since i would never have hit them (tho dearly wished i would)
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Craig Liley May 11th, 2009 at 6:49 am
In elementary school, I usually had 1 or 2 very close friends. Everyone else, I simply avoided as much as possible as I tended to be teased mercilessly. I never enjoyed sports as there were usually social aspects to those that I just never “got”. Most of the time I either just played by myself or read.
I finally started finding a “place” in middle school when I was introduced to orchestra and took up the cello. I agree with you that it is a real tragedy so many schools are regarding music and the arts as a waste these days, as I’m sure there are many aspies for whom these programs are a real lifeline.
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Craig, it’s so great that you learned the cello and found a place for yourself. Without music, life would feel incomplete to me.
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Taylor Selseth October 25th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I was just the opposite with regards to friendships, I’m a guy and the majority of my friends have always been women. probably becuase when i was in school it was my female classmates that always stood up for me against bullies.
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About Me
I'm Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg, and I publish this blog, Journeys with Autism. I'm a wife, mother, writer, singer, artist, photographer, community volunteer, and the chapter leader for the Vermont Chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN).
At the age of 50, I awoke to my place on the autism spectrum and discovered a world of gifts, struggles, and life-changing possibilities. My latest book, The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism, was published in July of 2010. My work has also appeared in Shift Journal of Alternatives: Neurodiversity and Social Change and in the Disability Rights and Neurodiversity section of the ASAN website.
My Memoir
"The Uncharted Path is an autism autobiography unlike any I’ve ever read.....I’d recommend The Uncharted Path to anyone on the spectrum, to anyone who has friends or relatives on the spectrum, and to anyone who cares for people on the spectrum. Her book is written straight from the heart.” —Gavin Bollard, author of Life with Asperger’s
“Cohen-Rottenberg is emotionally honest and skilled at relaying the stories from her childhood and adulthood that made her the person she is today....A highly recommended read."—Kate Goldfield, author of Common Scents: Adventures with Autism and Chemical Sensitivity
“What Rachel has written, few others would be able to....An enlightening journey."—Jon Gilbert, author of Same Child, Different Day
My memoir The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism is now available in paperback for $17.95 and in PDF format for $8.95.
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Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
rachel@journeyswithautism.com
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