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Mar3
Nonverbal Communication and Anxiety
11 CommentsAnxiety seems to be very common for Aspies. I’ve struggled with it my whole life.
I’m realizing that much of my anxiety centers around the fact that I cannot guess what people think of me in any given situation. I can’t look at their body language, or their facial expressions, or their subtle nonverbal cues (whatever those are) and make any kind of educated guess. Simply put, unless someone says something outright, I can’t tell whether people like me.
Now, I know that this whole issue should be immaterial at my age. I mean, really. I’m not in high school anymore. But if I can’t tell what people think of me, I have two options:
1. Forget about the subject entirely.
2. Worry about whether I’ve completely screwed up.Since I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s, I’ve found it easier to choose option 1. After all, I’m never going to fit in, so why concern myself with some ideal future in which I’ll belong? There will always be that strange, invisible force field separating me from most of the world. I’ve burned so much energy trying to belong—in academia, in the corporate world, and in religious institutions—that it’s a relief to realize that I’ll always be the odd one out. It’s a done deal. Now I can get on with my life. I can be myself. I can live with integrity. I can be kind to strangers. I can accept other people for who they are. I can love my friends and family. I can have my hyperfocus and my special projects and my general eccentricity. On a good day, it feels quite liberating.
But I’m finding it hard to break the habit of going to option 2. Usually, the anxiety is just a low rumble, but it’s there. I can look back and see that yesterday, people at work liked me. They smiled. They joked with me. They told me what a great job I’d done. But what about today? It’s a whole new day. What if today is the day that I screw up and have no idea that it’s happened?
My anxiety increases if I have to deal with any kind of misunderstanding, no matter how benign. When I misunderstand something, all of my alarms start going off. I think, “Oh no, what did I miss?” At such times, I forget that misunderstandings are common in life. That’s why there is a five-syllable word for them. We Aspies aren’t the only ones who misunderstand other people.
But consider this: Most people communicate nonverbally about 90% of the time. That means that 90% of the time, most people are communicating on a frequency that many of us Aspie folks cannot hear. And that makes this Aspie nervous.
Part of the anxiety is knowing the way that women communicate aggression. We don’t tend to express it like men. Men are very straightforward. Women manifest aggression very subtly. Ever notice the group of girls in the lunchroom looking at someone and giggling? Ugh. I was usually the person being looked at. I think. Or maybe not. Who knows?
I brought up this issue with my husband the other night, and he added a new wrinkle to the whole question. He said that most people do not make a judgment about whether they like someone or not. It’s mostly situational. If a situation is working well, and Person A does something that works for Person B, then life is good and Person B likes Person A. If Person A does not fit into Person B’s game plan that day, not so good. But nothing is written in stone (unless something major happens). Usually, it shifts from day to day.
Just thinking about this way of interacting makes me feel disoriented. It’s so foreign to the way I think. I usually scope people out and get a sense of their energy. I know when I’ve run into someone who is bad news. It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does, my instinct tells me to tread carefully. And believe me, I ignore my instinct at my peril. If none of my alarms go off upon meeting someone, I generally like and enjoy the person.
Somehow, I don’t think I’m the only one around here who works this way.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
11 Responses to “Nonverbal Communication and Anxiety”
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“…most people do not make a judgment about whether they like someone or not. It’s mostly situational.”
As an NT woman, I definitely disagree with that statement.
“I usually scope people out and get a sense of their energy. I know when I’ve run into someone who is bad news. It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does, my instinct tells me to tread carefully. And believe me, I ignore my instinct at my peril.”
And as an NT woman, I definitely agree with that statement. That is the way I operate and I am almost never wrong. When I am wrong (or when I choose to ignore my better sense) – it’s because I am drawn to an open, warm, high energy person like a moth to a flame. Not that the person is necessarily bad, it’s just a mismatch with a reserved, cautious, lower energy person like me.
There is a lot that you write about that connects with me, Aspie or NT or not.
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I so agree with everything you’ve said. THAT’S where my anxiety comes from. Not being able to read people! Duh! Sometimes I forget that, lol.
So true, so true. -
Rachel, I continue to be fascinated by your blog entries and impressed at your honesty, but mostly I SO appreciate the way you explain your perspective. I’ve told you before that I have a 13 year old daughter with AS, and we are all understanding more every day. For an “NT” parent, your explanations really help me understand what my daughter might be experiencing. So, thank you, thank you for your continued honesty and clarity.
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camilla (millie) March 4th, 2009 at 12:57 am
i talkes with my AS psychologist about eh anxiety around people, anad especially new people or groups of people. He explained it well and i discussed it today on a forum thread.
me + one person is just manageabel. (one x verbal communication, + one by facial expressions + one by non-verbal communications. the latter 2 i struggle with, but i can just keep up and get by.)me + 2 or more people = the above x 2 or more PLUS their individual interactions with me PLUS theirvarious interactions with each other. It is far too complex and anxiety provoking and so i steer clear of groups.it’s really hard on the sensory integrations dysfunction and it is scary and also i feel like crying in groups as i feel like a failure. and i blunder in them, lag behind, lose the thread, retreat, or become verbose.
yet again rachel, i relate. it’s so good to read this blog.
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camilla (millie) March 4th, 2009 at 12:58 am
please excuse typo’s. i am fumbling with the keyboard today.
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Wonderfully put, Rachel.
I too have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. Indeed it was ultimately dealing with my anxiety and looking for what was causing it that lead to my discovery of Asperger’s.
I really enjoy your insight – it makes me appreciate that I’m not the only one that sees the world in this unusual way.
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[...] Rachel writes about her experience with anxiety and Asperger’s here. [...]
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John Dale Lyons March 4th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I relate to everything you have said on this post. However, with observation over time, one’s ability to read non-verbal communication over time does get better. It’s a learned skill, so it will never be natural, however.
When I was growing up, there was no diagnosis for me; just “problems.” Fortunately, my NT parents were understanding and I got some socialization therapy which helped. But I didn’t know about AS until middle age- and it was a relief to know there are others like me. It helped me accept myself better, although I’m still working on it.
As for anxiety, it also comes bundled with depression. That is common companion to AS, both due to life experiences with the Spectrum and also Serotonin and how we’re wired. Anti-depressants help with both, as do anti-anxiety meds and therapy. I have been battling dysthymia along with anxiety, AS, and ADD (my most recent diagnosis). That, plus the regular stresses of life even NT’s have to deal with all add to be overwhelmed most of the time.
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Jennifer March 5th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Once when I was a student nurse, I had the task to care for an old lady during my shift.
I didn’t like the old lady- she was a negative, complaining type, but I stoically did my job as best as I could.
Something really strange happened. She smiled at me and told me that she really liked the way that I had combed her hair. I realised, at that moment, that I genuinely liked her (against my own inclinations.)I think that you can’t REALLY dislike someone that you are doing caring things for.
It’s as if behaviour influences ones attitude to someone, rather than it only being attitude that influences behaviour.
If someone feels cared for by someone, it’s also impossible for them to really dislike the carer.Actions speak louder than words. This is what you are worried about, BUT it works the other way around too. If you know that your actions are good and caring, don’t worry that other people won’t like you or misunderstand you. The chances are that they DO like you, even though you can’t be sure. Option number one, in that regard makes perfect sense. It’s your own actions that count. If their actions are mean, it’s their problem. Unfortunately we can’t expect to be liked by everyone (though I wish that we realistically could.)
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Bob R. March 5th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
So here’s the oft-mentioned, ostensibly NT, husband weighing in on feeling normal and being liked. I think everyone struggles with this, because none of us, really, can know for sure what that other person is really thinking. So we learn to take guesses based on the best information available. And maybe we learn from our mistakes and our successes. But the main thing I’ve learned is that I always have the opportunity to step back and away from something or someone that isn’t working. When, fresh out of college, I was the “white hope” at a publishing company, my Dad kept urging me to ask my boss for a raise. “But suppose he says no?” I’d ask. My Dad’s wisdom (and experience) here was: “You’re not going to get fired just because you ask for a raise, even if your boss thinks it’s out of the question.” Hmmmm. That was hard for me to believe, but I now know that he was right. This also applies to relationships, especially of the casual-first-encounter type. If I make a “terrible” misjudgement about someone, it isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a mistake. (Assuming, of course, that I haven’t wound up in bed with him/her!) The trick is to not get caught up in projections about what the other person might be thinking. As Stephen Stills once put it, “If you smile at me, I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language…” And that may be all there is to it. A smile. Then life goes on.
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The thing I find worst is that, because I don’t understand body language very well, I worry about the signals I am sending unintentionally. I don’t mind being judged for who I am, but when people have it all wrong, I struggle with that. I get what you’re saying.
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