Comments on: Nonverbal Communication and Anxiety

By: StatMama

StatMama — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 03:12:09 +0000

The thing I find worst is that, because I don’t understand body language very well, I worry about the signals I am sending unintentionally. I don’t mind being judged for who I am, but when people have it all wrong, I struggle with that. I get what you’re saying.

By: Bob R.

Bob R. — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:23:27 +0000

So here’s the oft-mentioned, ostensibly NT, husband weighing in on feeling normal and being liked. I think everyone struggles with this, because none of us, really, can know for sure what that other person is really thinking. So we learn to take guesses based on the best information available. And maybe we learn from our mistakes and our successes. But the main thing I’ve learned is that I always have the opportunity to step back and away from something or someone that isn’t working. When, fresh out of college, I was the “white hope” at a publishing company, my Dad kept urging me to ask my boss for a raise. “But suppose he says no?” I’d ask. My Dad’s wisdom (and experience) here was: “You’re not going to get fired just because you ask for a raise, even if your boss thinks it’s out of the question.” Hmmmm. That was hard for me to believe, but I now know that he was right. This also applies to relationships, especially of the casual-first-encounter type. If I make a “terrible” misjudgement about someone, it isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a mistake. (Assuming, of course, that I haven’t wound up in bed with him/her!) The trick is to not get caught up in projections about what the other person might be thinking. As Stephen Stills once put it, “If you smile at me, I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language…” And that may be all there is to it. A smile. Then life goes on.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:03:47 +0000

Once when I was a student nurse, I had the task to care for an old lady during my shift.
I didn’t like the old lady- she was a negative, complaining type, but I stoically did my job as best as I could.
Something really strange happened. She smiled at me and told me that she really liked the way that I had combed her hair. I realised, at that moment, that I genuinely liked her (against my own inclinations.)

I think that you can’t REALLY dislike someone that you are doing caring things for.
It’s as if behaviour influences ones attitude to someone, rather than it only being attitude that influences behaviour.
If someone feels cared for by someone, it’s also impossible for them to really dislike the carer.

Actions speak louder than words. This is what you are worried about, BUT it works the other way around too. If you know that your actions are good and caring, don’t worry that other people won’t like you or misunderstand you. The chances are that they DO like you, even though you can’t be sure. Option number one, in that regard makes perfect sense. It’s your own actions that count. If their actions are mean, it’s their problem. Unfortunately we can’t expect to be liked by everyone (though I wish that we realistically could.)

By: John Dale Lyons

John Dale Lyons — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:40:07 +0000

I relate to everything you have said on this post. However, with observation over time, one’s ability to read non-verbal communication over time does get better. It’s a learned skill, so it will never be natural, however.

When I was growing up, there was no diagnosis for me; just “problems.” Fortunately, my NT parents were understanding and I got some socialization therapy which helped. But I didn’t know about AS until middle age- and it was a relief to know there are others like me. It helped me accept myself better, although I’m still working on it.

As for anxiety, it also comes bundled with depression. That is common companion to AS, both due to life experiences with the Spectrum and also Serotonin and how we’re wired. Anti-depressants help with both, as do anti-anxiety meds and therapy. I have been battling dysthymia along with anxiety, AS, and ADD (my most recent diagnosis). That, plus the regular stresses of life even NT’s have to deal with all add to be overwhelmed most of the time.

By: Anxiety and Asperger’s « Intern in Israel

Anxiety and Asperger’s « Intern in Israel — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:10:10 +0000

[...] Rachel writes about her experience with anxiety and Asperger’s here. [...]

By: James

James — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 10:00:05 +0000

Wonderfully put, Rachel.

I too have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. Indeed it was ultimately dealing with my anxiety and looking for what was causing it that lead to my discovery of Asperger’s.

I really enjoy your insight – it makes me appreciate that I’m not the only one that sees the world in this unusual way.

By: camilla (millie)

camilla (millie) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:58:56 +0000

please excuse typo’s. i am fumbling with the keyboard today.

By: camilla (millie)

camilla (millie) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:57:57 +0000

i talkes with my AS psychologist about eh anxiety around people, anad especially new people or groups of people. He explained it well and i discussed it today on a forum thread.
me + one person is just manageabel. (one x verbal communication, + one by facial expressions + one by non-verbal communications. the latter 2 i struggle with, but i can just keep up and get by.)

me + 2 or more people = the above x 2 or more PLUS their individual interactions with me PLUS theirvarious interactions with each other. It is far too complex and anxiety provoking and so i steer clear of groups.it’s really hard on the sensory integrations dysfunction and it is scary and also i feel like crying in groups as i feel like a failure. and i blunder in them, lag behind, lose the thread, retreat, or become verbose.

yet again rachel, i relate. it’s so good to read this blog.

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:10:37 +0000

Rachel, I continue to be fascinated by your blog entries and impressed at your honesty, but mostly I SO appreciate the way you explain your perspective. I’ve told you before that I have a 13 year old daughter with AS, and we are all understanding more every day. For an “NT” parent, your explanations really help me understand what my daughter might be experiencing. So, thank you, thank you for your continued honesty and clarity.

By: Kate

Kate — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:31:31 +0000

I so agree with everything you’ve said. THAT’S where my anxiety comes from. Not being able to read people! Duh! Sometimes I forget that, lol.
So true, so true.