I had that dynamic when I had a constant partner, and to a lesser degree I retain that sort of operational method even now (without a “significant other”). It takes me a while to “settle in” to whichever attentional mode, whether outward or inward-and it can take hours before one’s “in the groove (or “flow”)” of each mindset. Transitions remain quite difficult, no matter how many times one encounters them.

Also realize that once one’s comfortable with a particular person, then the divide can become between being “by oneself or with just this exact person” vs. “being around anyone else”, because one’s not used to or familiar with all those other people.

It’s a bit like hibernation (in animals) or “sleep” (energy conservation) mode on computer, in that there are different demands made upon the person or machine, and one habituates to that phase-until circumstances require one to return to previous functionality.

A superficial example, but easier to provide illustration/explanation of than intangible, mental characteristics/manifestations:
For instance, if I know I’ll be alone (not going out)-then I can wear the most comfortable clothing, and how it looks is irrelevant. If I’m anticipating being seen and/or having company, then I have to figure out a pretty outfit (not so pleasant to wear) in which I feel okay-looking.

It’s about pacing, too-figuring out how to structure one’s day & week, based on when which presences (and/or absences) will be part of one’s environment. Such as when to do which chores/housework, when one needs to be available to spend time with one’s companion, planning for mutual activities-as well as setting aside time for solitary pursuits/projects.

And yes, I often get stuck in panic-filled mentality of “there’s no light at the end of this tunnel”, feeling either hopelessly trapped around strangers (people with whom I’m uncomfortable), or hopelessly trapped in lonesome solitude-with no sign of relief/respite. When I’m alone, I’m “ALL” alone (for good & for ill).

Now, my partner and I spend a lot of time doing our own thing, but it’s just nice to know that the other one is THERE if we need them. I struggle when my partner isn’t about too, but I try not to worry too much about being needy – after all, if humans were designed to be solitary creatures, we would never pair up at all. It is right and natural to need others around you sometimes, so don’t beat yourself up about it

Being an Aspie is such an exercise in paradoxes. The desire for connection is often there (thus, the loneliness), but we can shy away from connection–partly because of the sensory overload, partly because we connect differently than your average person, and partly because we often feel so “other” in the world.

In this context, it’s interesting what you say about a mitzvah being about making connections. A long while ago, a friend of mine told me that the word mitzvah comes from the same root as “tzava,” the word for an interconnected web in which the well-being of the whole is dependent upon the well-being of each part. So a mitzvah, in its deepest sense, is an act that connects us to the web of all life and to all creation.

Amazing stuff. The ancients had a lot to say about how to connect with other beings in a world that can be very difficult.

Rachel, you have just described my daughter. Only she can’t put this into words. I will think of what you’ve written any time she gets anxious and try to put myself in her shoes instead of being frustrated by her.

And I love your mitzvah idea. I’ve always thought of mitzvah as rungs of a ladder reaching to heaven – every time a good deed is done, the ladder to heaven gets higher (or the closer heaven gets to earth? I can’t remember). It’s nice to have a different view and to think of them as more than the means to an end…they are about making connections – something you do for someone else and for yourself – edifying for both parties. It’s fun to read your blog…it always gives me something to think about.

Ben

Today, I’ve been thinking about the concept of mitzvah, a Hebrew word for “good deed” or “sacred deed,” something that you do on behalf of someone else. If I can make more mitzvah opportunities in my life, they would be something to look forward to that would be very fulfilling. I don’t do the spontaneous sharing well because I’m never sure whether someone will be interested in what I’m interested in, and because the all-time *worst* thing for me, in the social world, is a blank stare. But I really enjoy doing things for other people, so long as I don’t wear myself thin.

Anyway, much to think about. Thanks again!