It’s okay to be who you are. No parent can give their children all the things they think they should. Everyone has a limitation of one kind of another. The great thing about recognizing that you’re autistic is that suddenly, it becomes clear that it’s not a question of a moral failing or a lack of willpower, but of a different distribution of gifts and challenges than the average person. I don’t know if you find this with you kids, but with Ashlynne’s friends, I am the cool mom, the one that her friends are comfortable with, because I’m clearly different and clearly okay with it, and that’s the kind of role model that many adolescents like having around. I’m also without guile, so they trust me, and trust of adults comes very hard to adolescents, so that’s a gift to them my autism brings.

Re: being the “authority”…I’m no good at that either. I’m hopelessly democratic. The way I’ve worked around it is to demand respect and to teach Ashlynne that she should demand it from me. Once there’s respect, we can have a conversation, and once we have a conversation, we can generally arrive at a solution that we can live with. The times that I’ve absolutely had to pull rank and just say, “We’re doing it the way I say, because I’m the grownup and it’s my responsibility to make this decision, even though you don’t like it” have been unutterably painful for me. It’s not that I’ve had a hard time setting limits and providing direction; I’ve just had a hard time having to make unilateral decisions that she hasn’t understood or liked. I’d much rather discuss and negotiate. I don’t think most parents feel that way.

I don’t have kids yet, but I have a 10yo niece and a 3yo nephew and a love them dearly and are fiercely protective of them. My niece finds my “eccentricity” endearing and calls me “crazy Uncle Tay”. She once told me that the world would be a lot better if everyone was “as honest as you”.