“There were many other incidents of this kind of behavior from my father. Often, my mother would set it up by concocting some reason that I’d pissed her off that afternoon. She’d then torture me for hours by telling me what my father would do when he got home.”

Been there.

As to the question of whether fear can cancel a meltdown, yes, without a doubt. But the type and depth of fear it takes to make that happen is an awful thing.

It sounds like your daughter has two essential things that all kids need: 1) she feels safe in her family and 2) she is learning self-care. Those are tremendous gifts to give her. Great job, mom!

And I’m so glad she has a good OT. They are worth their weight in gold, aren’t they? When my OT asks me how I’m doing and I say “crummy,” she doesn’t say what nearly every other health professional has ever said to me: “Go home, rest, and drink some orange juice,” or “Tell me about your childhood.” She just says, “Would like to lie under the big weighted blanket?” Heaven!

In response to your question – my daughter does indeed see an OT. At first the goal was self-help skills, fine motor planning, building muscle strength, etc. But since this fall she’s been with an OT who is working more on sensory integration and I’m thrilled with that. She loves spinning, swinging, heavy weight, jumping, things like that. Her OT lets her do that stuff – giving her the sensory diet she seeks, while also working on building strength, helping her work through her frustration when things are hard, and social skills. I’m in love with OT! Anna’s come to a place where she now recognizes what her body needs and then seeks that stimuli for herself instead of throwing herself on the floor and having a meltdown. She’ll go jump on her trampoline or she’ll brush herself with her therapy brush. She does have a heavy weighted blanket that she sometimes uses at night, plus a lap pad to use when she has a hard time sitting still. It’s been so great to watch her get to a point where she can start taking care of her sensory needs in a constructive way, all by herself. As long as we can continue to have her see an OT, we will – it’s invaluable!

Thanks for all your kind words. I am very grateful that I’ve been able to transform my life and bring the blessings out of difficult experiences.

As to your questions about your daughter…I’m not sure what to suggest for a child, because my daughter is NT and I haven’t had any experience with children who have meltdowns. But I can tell you what works for me as an adult when I’m having a meltdown. For me, the single most important thing is for the other people in the situation to not take it personally (even if I am trying to make it personal). I know it’s hard, but when my husband recognizes that my experience is not his fault, he becomes an anchor in the midst of the storm. Sometimes, his loving presence needs to be in another room, because after all, everyone’s sensory bucket gets full sooner or later. But just knowing that he is accessible and accepts me for who I am is crucial.

It’s also very important that he communicates how my behavior affects him. Many times, we Aspies are not aware of our effect on other people. When I have a meltdown, he is affected. He may be calm and accepting of me just as I am, but he can’t help but be affected by the small storm taking place in the livingroom. It’s very important that your daughter hear how her behavior affects you–not as a guilt trip, but as a reminder that you are human and have feelings, too. That’s critical to helping her enter the larger world. But you should definitely wait till after the meltdown to have the conversation. If you don’t, your words will just get swept up into the maelstrom.

Has your daughter ever done any work with an OT? Does she have a sensory diet? I find that using weighted blankets and vests, doing my artwork, exercising, having comforting fabrics to hold, etc. really help calm me down and make meltdowns less likely. I’m planning to write a post about my work with my OT and my sensory diet. Hopefully, that will have some useful information.

As a high functioning Aspie, what do you think is the best way to allow a child to melt down, to blow off some steam, without it impairing family relationships or terrorizing the household? What are better ways, or other channels, to blowing off some steam that will not harm relationships or impair the ability to function in society? How to help a child find control over something so uncontrollable?

I still cry very easily for a male. I got a lump reading this post.