Comments on: Like a Deer Caught in the Headlights http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/ Ethics, Disability Rights, and Reports from Life on the Spectrum Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:32:50 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Rachel http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-173330 Rachel Sun, 26 Jun 2011 20:57:01 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-173330 I know how you feel, Leonie. When I was a Meals on Wheels driver, I found that a lot of elderly people living alone would want to talk a great deal when I came by. It's entirely natural and understandable, and I liked to listen and to help ease the loneliness, but a steady stream of talk would overload my auditory system rather quickly. It's just not my strength to listen to highly verbal people, anymore than it would be for someone who couldn't hear at all. Fortunately, I ended up being a senior companion to a very quiet man who liked to tell stories of long ago, but not in a steady stream. He liked his quiet. We got along swimmingly. :-) I know how you feel, Leonie. When I was a Meals on Wheels driver, I found that a lot of elderly people living alone would want to talk a great deal when I came by. It’s entirely natural and understandable, and I liked to listen and to help ease the loneliness, but a steady stream of talk would overload my auditory system rather quickly. It’s just not my strength to listen to highly verbal people, anymore than it would be for someone who couldn’t hear at all.

Fortunately, I ended up being a senior companion to a very quiet man who liked to tell stories of long ago, but not in a steady stream. He liked his quiet. We got along swimmingly. :-)

]]> By: Leonie Blows http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-173149 Leonie Blows Sun, 26 Jun 2011 09:21:19 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-173149 This happened to me very recently!! I took part in an organised walk, but was walking alone (of course), and enjoying the solitude very much. However, an elderly man had been walking close behind me for some time, and (as I <i>hate</i> having people behind me) I invited him to go ahead. To my horror, he started walking <i>with</i> me. He spoke without pausing for breath, telling me all about his walking boots, how long he'd had them, the brand, how well he got on with them, how much they'd cost, etc. He told the story several times, before starting on about his <i>previous</i> pair of walking boots. Then he retold the first story again. And again. I ceased responding, in any way, but he just kept talking. I slowed my pace, but he slowed too. I tried walking more quickly, but he kept up with me effortlessly, despite being 79 years old. We had six miles to go... I don't think he was an aspie, I think he was just a lonely old man, and I felt sorry for him. In in the end I legged it, then hid round a corner until he'd gone ahead. I felt cruel, but I have learned to value myself so much more since my own diagnosis: My Time is sacred! This happened to me very recently!! I took part in an organised walk, but was walking alone (of course), and enjoying the solitude very much. However, an elderly man had been walking close behind me for some time, and (as I hate having people behind me) I invited him to go ahead. To my horror, he started walking with me. He spoke without pausing for breath, telling me all about his walking boots, how long he’d had them, the brand, how well he got on with them, how much they’d cost, etc. He told the story several times, before starting on about his previous pair of walking boots. Then he retold the first story again. And again. I ceased responding, in any way, but he just kept talking. I slowed my pace, but he slowed too. I tried walking more quickly, but he kept up with me effortlessly, despite being 79 years old. We had six miles to go…
I don’t think he was an aspie, I think he was just a lonely old man, and I felt sorry for him. In in the end I legged it, then hid round a corner until he’d gone ahead. I felt cruel, but I have learned to value myself so much more since my own diagnosis: My Time is sacred!

]]> By: Rachel http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-34885 Rachel Sun, 03 May 2009 13:21:14 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-34885 Regina, thanks for your comments. I'd forgotten that it's okay to vote with my feet. :-) Regina, thanks for your comments. I’d forgotten that it’s okay to vote with my feet. :-)

]]> By: Regina http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-34403 Regina Sat, 02 May 2009 21:13:39 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-34403 I have a next-door neighbor -- I call him the Energizer Bunny, he is so hyper -- I literally have to just walk away while he's talking. He doesn't even pause to take a breath so I can politely say "nice seeing you, gotta go now!" He just talks and talks and talks, about anything and nothing, and I nod and smile and then turn around and walk away. But he must know how he is, he doesn't seem to take offense. He's tried to talk me out of putting the house on the market and moving away, so he must still like me OK. I have a next-door neighbor — I call him the Energizer Bunny, he is so hyper — I literally have to just walk away while he’s talking. He doesn’t even pause to take a breath so I can politely say “nice seeing you, gotta go now!” He just talks and talks and talks, about anything and nothing, and I nod and smile and then turn around and walk away. But he must know how he is, he doesn’t seem to take offense. He’s tried to talk me out of putting the house on the market and moving away, so he must still like me OK.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-32532 Rachel Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:46:30 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-32532 Erin, great suggestions! I'm starting a list. (A list! Yay!) And Soph, I'll add staying in the bathroom for too long. Brilliant! If anyone else wants to add more ideas, please, feel entirely free. :-) Erin, great suggestions! I’m starting a list. (A list! Yay!) And Soph, I’ll add staying in the bathroom for too long. Brilliant! If anyone else wants to add more ideas, please, feel entirely free. :-)

]]> By: Soph http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-32362 Soph Thu, 30 Apr 2009 11:20:05 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-32362 Toilet is always a good excuse. If anything you don't have to tell the person to go away, you just have to spend long enough in there for them to get bored and think that they have to go somewhere. On one recent occasion I literally did feel as if my brains had been scooped out and this person's thoughts were all I had in my head. It actually was like brainwashing. Toilet is always a good excuse. If anything you don’t have to tell the person to go away, you just have to spend long enough in there for them to get bored and think that they have to go somewhere.

On one recent occasion I literally did feel as if my brains had been scooped out and this person’s thoughts were all I had in my head. It actually was like brainwashing.

]]> By: Erin http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-32009 Erin Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:05:35 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-32009 Your head a splode? So sorry. Here are the ways I deal with an endless monologue: reduce eye contact. Say "hmmmm, yes, uh-huh and oh dear" noncommittally. Check your watch. Cross your legs and look like you have to pee. Walk around a little bit, making your way to the nearest exit slowly but surely. Say things like "Wow, look at the time" or "So sorry, but I SO have to pee!" or "I hate to interrupt but I have an appointment/gotta get the groceries/need to pick up child/must water the flowers in the back yard/check on a cake in the oven/have a killer migraine and need to lay down" or whatever seems appropriate and closest to the truth. Or try interrupting, even if it has to be done forcibly, and say something like "I'd love to talk now but I totally have to go, can I catch up with you later?". And if the monologue continues even then, interrupt again and pretend you got a sign of assent and say "Great, it was nice to see you! Tell person X I said hello!" or "Sorry I have to leave so soon, thanks for understanding!" or "I hope I don't seem rude, but I really have to go! Let's catch up soon!" and then exit. Usually if this is all done with a smile and a friendly tone of voice, it goes well and no offense is taken. Your head a splode? So sorry. Here are the ways I deal with an endless monologue: reduce eye contact. Say “hmmmm, yes, uh-huh and oh dear” noncommittally. Check your watch. Cross your legs and look like you have to pee. Walk around a little bit, making your way to the nearest exit slowly but surely. Say things like “Wow, look at the time” or “So sorry, but I SO have to pee!” or “I hate to interrupt but I have an appointment/gotta get the groceries/need to pick up child/must water the flowers in the back yard/check on a cake in the oven/have a killer migraine and need to lay down” or whatever seems appropriate and closest to the truth. Or try interrupting, even if it has to be done forcibly, and say something like “I’d love to talk now but I totally have to go, can I catch up with you later?”. And if the monologue continues even then, interrupt again and pretend you got a sign of assent and say “Great, it was nice to see you! Tell person X I said hello!” or “Sorry I have to leave so soon, thanks for understanding!” or “I hope I don’t seem rude, but I really have to go! Let’s catch up soon!” and then exit. Usually if this is all done with a smile and a friendly tone of voice, it goes well and no offense is taken.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-31961 Rachel Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:46:05 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-31961 Soph, I think you're right about what happens when people talk at us. I never feel that there is any room for me there. I just become a container for the other person's feelings and need to be heard. The problem is that my container is somewhere between the size of a thimble and a cup, while the other person needs a container the size of a large storage crate. I just can't provide that. It isn't physically possible. Soph, I think you’re right about what happens when people talk at us. I never feel that there is any room for me there. I just become a container for the other person’s feelings and need to be heard. The problem is that my container is somewhere between the size of a thimble and a cup, while the other person needs a container the size of a large storage crate. I just can’t provide that. It isn’t physically possible.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-31947 Rachel Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:27:00 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-31947 I don't think you sound like a jerk, Stat Mama. I'm just afraid that *I'll* sound like a jerk if I get blunt and say some version of, "Stop. Right now." But it's getting ridiculous already. I'm 50 years old. I really have to come up with some exit lines and stick to them, no matter what happens. It's one thing to just stand there, wasting my time, and say nothing. That's bad enough. But I'm also standing there while my senses feel like they're under assault, and I say nothing. The other person hasn't a clue as to how his/her behavior is affecting my nervous system, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't step up and protect it. I mean, if someone were jumping up and down on my instep thinking it was a trampoline, I'd tell them to stop, wouldn't I? I don’t think you sound like a jerk, Stat Mama. I’m just afraid that *I’ll* sound like a jerk if I get blunt and say some version of, “Stop. Right now.” But it’s getting ridiculous already. I’m 50 years old. I really have to come up with some exit lines and stick to them, no matter what happens.

It’s one thing to just stand there, wasting my time, and say nothing. That’s bad enough. But I’m also standing there while my senses feel like they’re under assault, and I say nothing. The other person hasn’t a clue as to how his/her behavior is affecting my nervous system, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t step up and protect it. I mean, if someone were jumping up and down on my instep thinking it was a trampoline, I’d tell them to stop, wouldn’t I?

]]> By: Stat Mama http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/04/28/like-a-deer-caught-in-the-headlights/comment-page-1/#comment-31931 Stat Mama Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:01:51 +0000 http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/?p=2006#comment-31931 Oh yeah. I have never understood why people need to keep repeating the story, over and over. Did they assume I didn't catch it the first time? I did. And it bored me until my ears almost bled then, so I really don't want to hear it again. And again. I have things to do. I don't mind talking, but you know, have a point and get there and be done. LOL I sound like a jerk, don't I? Oh yeah. I have never understood why people need to keep repeating the story, over and over. Did they assume I didn’t catch it the first time? I did. And it bored me until my ears almost bled then, so I really don’t want to hear it again. And again. I have things to do. I don’t mind talking, but you know, have a point and get there and be done. LOL I sound like a jerk, don’t I?

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