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May13
Aspie Women: Saving Our Own Lives
Filed under: Marriage, Women and AS;11 CommentsI just saw a comment today from Saja, a new poster on this blog, and it was so moving to me that I want to write some words in response. In the Every Aspie is a Working Aspie thread, she writes about finding herself at a fork in the road:
“I am at an impasse, at 42, in which I can either decide to drop ‘passing’ in a big way, or die-–literally. I cannot continue to live the rest of my life the way I’ve lived it up to this point, rewarding as that has been. I did what I most craved as an awkward little girl: I learned how to fit in with the rest of the world. I’m socially adept. But the cost; oh, the cost. There’s nothing left over for the real me, the inner me. And that *has* to change, to save my life. Literally.”
At 42, I felt as she does. I had gotten what I had always wanted. I had learned to fit in, to succeed, to become a competent, self-supporting, professional woman. But inside, my light was dying out. I’ve heard it said that Aspie women can seem very competent on the outside, while inside, they are dying. That was me.
For a long time, I’ve been wanting to write about what saved me. Every woman’s story of coming back from the brink is different. Here is mine:
Nearly nine years ago, when I was 42, I met Bob, who is now my husband. He was the spiritual leader at a synagogue that I had decided to try because someone told me it was friendly to kids. At the time, I was married, as was Bob. My husband was healthy and well, but Bob’s wife was dying. When he and I met, she had just decided to stop going out into the world, so I never got to meet her in person. Bob and I became friends, and he invited me to help lead services at the synagogue.
That’s the story from the outside. But something happened to me when I met Bob that completely changed me. I felt a love for him that I had never felt before for anyone. I kept trying to put it in some familiar little box and keep it sealed up, but it never worked. It was very powerful. All I knew was that it didn’t originate in me. I want to say that it came from G-d, but that’s not quite right. It didn’t come from G-d. It was like being in G-d, in the midst of a love that embraces everything and everyone.
I’m not sure what I believe about G-d, even now. I’m not sure that I have belief. All I have is an experience that I refer to as G-d. I’m not sure that there are any words that can describe it, though. All I know is that it wasn’t “falling in love” in the usual sense. That would have been easier.
I don’t know how I managed to hold it together that first year that we knew each other. I didn’t know what was happening to me or where it was leading. It was easier while Bob’s wife was still alive, because the boundaries were very clear. She passed away within the year, and then I nearly fell apart. I thought I was crazy. What I knew for certain was that my marriage was done. It hadn’t failed. It was just done. We’d gone as far as we could go, and there just wasn’t anymore left.
It was very sad and very wrenching to watch everything come tumbling down. The synagogue community was not exactly thrilled about the new me, and when Bob and I finally decided to be together, we couldn’t be there anymore. But in the midst of all the wreckage of what had been, my inner light began to shine. It became brighter and stronger. I don’t know what would have happened to me if it had died out altogether. I’m not sure I would have survived it.
Bob and I have now been married for almost 6 1/2 years. He always tells me that I saved his life. He says that he can’t imagine what might have become of him if I hadn’t shown up. But I don’t think I saved his life. I think the larger love saved his life, as it saved mine.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
11 Responses to “Aspie Women: Saving Our Own Lives”
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That is absolutely beautiful – thanks for sharing the story with us.
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Hi, just wanted to say thanks for writing your blog. I found it from a post on the ‘Life with Aspergers’ blog, and both have been very helpful in helping me realise the reasons for why I am like I am. They’ve encouraged me to write about my own condition and realise I’m not the only one!
Thanks,
Dean -
Thanks, guys!
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John Dale Lyons May 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Beautiful and moving.
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Thank you, John!
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Rachel, thanks so much for this post. I must have sounded pretty desperate in that comment of mine; actually, I am pretty desperate.
Though eighty percent of me is just uberperplexed about how I can be coming apart at the seams *now*, after so many years coping so well. Why can’t I just keep on keeping on? I finally mastered the tools, and NOW I’m retreating? The rest of me realizes that I’ve just been stretched to my limit, and there’s no more give. Not yet sure how to make changes to accomodate without throwing my life (and my family’s lives) into tumult, but that will come. -
As other people have said, this is a very beautiful and moving post. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s wonderful to discover that kind of love.
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I also would like to say that in all you’ve written here (I read every post since finding your blog yesterday), your husband sounds very much like my husband, who is the most perfectly wonderful person I could ever have lucked into as a mate. He understands me so well, sometimes better than I understand myself, and is incredibly patient, loving, kind, and stable (“even”). He routinely picks up the slack for me and sends me off for time alone. I understand how in love you are with Bob, because I feel the same way about my husband. We are lucky women.
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Megan, thank you so much. It’s so wonderful to have my story received with so much heart!
Saja, we are, indeed, lucky women. With such a kind and loving husband by your side, I feel certain that you’ll be able to make the changes you need and come out with your family strengthened.
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Beautiful story, Rachel
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Jennifer May 19th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I believe that God was your matchmaker too- mazzel tov!
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