Comments on: Reflections on Grief and Loss: One Aspie’s Story

By: cherylL13

cherylL13 — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 01:19:07 +0000

It is hard when NT’s jump to conclusions about Aspies having a lack of empathy. I often wish they would ask us what goes on in sad situations or when others are hurting in our minds before writing their comments. I was thrilled when I read the intense world theory. The article talked about how we can’t stand being in crowds as an example of how we can’t process all the energy in the room, but we feel it and it is overwhelming. I recently found out my grandmother who I love dearly can no longer remember who I am due to alzheimers. I have been going through a lot of stuff, so I haven’t cried over that fact yet. If I took in the memories of my grandmother and that fact, I might start balling. I feel my own pain just as intensly as other peoples. We internalize a lot of stuff and people don’t always see it because we don’t know how to put what we feel into words, than it comes in a big wave because we can’t hold it in anymore and those close to us don’t know what hit them. We hurt for ourselves and for others, but it is like having a screen in front of us and our emotions are behind the screen. It is like the screen is tinted so it is hard to see behind. If only people could know just how much we really cared and know how how much we really thought about them, or just ask about it, there would be less assumptions and less inaccurate portrayals of us.

By: JD Austin

JD Austin — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:46:11 +0000

WOW – thanks for sharing this!
I thought I was the only one (I even saw/felt the her ghost; sometimes I still do).
She’s been dead for 23 years and I can’t stop feeling love for her even though I found new love, married, etc.
I’ve always known I was different from most people. I just recently confirmed that I have Aspergers Syndrone; knowing what it is doesn’t help that much though. I spent 23 years wrapped in overpowering grief and almost 100% non emotional until recently (story here: http://alwaysloved.org – maybe you’d like to share them with the world?); now I’m like a raw nerve emotionally. I don’t just recognize other people’s pain I FEEL their pain as if it’s my own … it’s a bit overwhelming.
The whole Aspie thing explains why I study people like Jane Goodall studied the Guerrillas in the Myst trying to figure out the ‘rules’ for being social.
Anyway, beautiful blog post – THANK YOU for sharing.

By: Carol D.

Carol D. — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:29:58 +0000

Thanks so much to all of you. I recently spent time with my nephew after the death of his mother…I haven’t spent very much time with him in his life but when we are together I always feel a very special connection on some level with him. After my recent visit, I was left with questions with regards to emotional reactions in situations of such a loss. As I wasn’t seeing any obvious emotional reaction from him, I was suspicious that perhaps Asberger’s had something to do with this and feel relieved to have found this blog that allowed me to become more educated on the topic. All of your sharing has given me a much greater understanding!

By: Saja

Saja — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:22:00 +0000

At least your fellow grad student was honest.

Jennifer – that is the most hideous ritual. It’s an open invitation for cruelty, and what on earth is it designed to accomplish? Who cares if someone likes or doesn’t like another person’s new clothes? The only reason to institute a ritual like this is to teach children how to be honest with grace and compassion, or at the very least, to adhere to the old “if you can’t say something nice….” Brrrrr. And grrrrrr.

Jennifer G – the whole “no emotion,” “no empathy” thing is a total misunderstanding. It’s a theory some NT person put forward to explain why the general population doesn’t get the usual vibe from an Aspie, and why we say honest things even if the other person doesn’t like them: why, we have no empathy! It can’t possibly be that we value honesty above ego-stroking, and have enough respect for our peers to treat them as we would like to be treated.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:35:54 +0000

I think what happens with NTs is what happens with any majority. Most of the people in any majority consider themselves normal, which means that everyone else is some version of strange.

When I was in grad school, I had a conversation with a fellow student who was very intelligent, Harvard-educated, white, Anglo-Saxon, and male. I was talking with him about how, as a woman and as a Jew, I find myself on the boundaries of the larger culture, and that I’ve never had the opportunity to feel myself in the center of it. I asked him whether he understood what I was feeling. His response? “I don’t understand what you’re feeling, because I don’t have to.”

I learned a few things in graduate school that weren’t in the course listings.

By: Jennifer Gardner

Jennifer Gardner — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:32:52 +0000

I made my mother in law cry the other day when I told her that my hubbie is the most sensitive, kind & loving “non emotional” person I have ever met. Phooey on anyone who believes an Aspie is lacking emotion. You don’t lack emotion, you just experience it differently than an NT. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes to find my husband running his fingers through my hair or patting my back. I wonder (sarcastically). . If Aspie’s have no emotion, what would be his motivation to display that type of affection? NT’s are the worst at adapting and expect everyone to react and do things just like them. As I have said before, you are all great and I remain in awe.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:21:23 +0000

Jennifer, I don’t think you have any blindness on this one. In fact, I think that you see things very clearly!

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:26:04 +0000

Even the observor found it odd; I coltell by the way she described it. She also found it odd about the way that the teacher handled it, but the observor didn’t make an out-right criticism but it was there.

I’ll have to look at that film sometime, it sounds like one I’d really appreciate.

I’ve been realising that my children are probably like the kids that I noticed at school, the ones that stood out as being not the same. The ones you knew would be teased.

I don’t see them that way, but I’m their mum so I probably wouldn’t notice it ever. What I do remember is that I never teased those kids or behaved differently with them. I don’t understand why people whould expend energy for such nastiness.

It sort of makes sense that I would date the man who is my husband, despite that he had an awkward gait etc. By the time I was an adult I had stopped noticing that sort of difference. It was other people who kept pointing those things out. I could see what really mattered- the essential sweet soul of the man. I’m glad that I have that sort of blindness.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 21:06:04 +0000

Jennifer, that ritual at your daughter’s school is awful! Where do people come up with these kinds of ideas? It’s a set-up for bullying. And the children have to be allowed to voice their opinions? Maybe about global warming or poverty, but not about each other’s clothes, for goodness sake!

Your eight-year-old’s generosity reminded me of a scene from “The Joy Luck Club.” The main character thinks that her mother favors her much flashier cousin and can’t see her own daughter clearly. In one scene, she and her mother are washing the dishes after a big family dinner, and she’s very upset with her mother. She keeps saying, “You can’t see me. You can’t see me.” In response, her mother says to her, “I see you. Your cousin took best quality crab. You took worst quality crab. That’s because you have best quality heart. Can’t learn. Must be born with.”

It makes me cry every time.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:49:51 +0000

Grief is a very individual thing. Peoples emotions are, in general, very individual/subjective.
One person finds an unfortunate situation slapstick, another finds it sad.

As an NT’er, I know that I am only really aware, for example, of how much love I have for people until circumstances force me to.
When my mum died, I realised for the first time how very much I loved her. Before that I didn’t need to think about it. I took her presence for granted.

I don’t know if Aspies are any different. I don’t know if there are generalisations on that score between Aspies and non-Aspies. But what I witness with my family is the opposite of what I have just described. Perhaps that’s the reasons why Aspies have a reputation for being loyal.