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Jun21
The Waiting Game, Part II: Help! Did I Screw Up?
7 CommentsI’ve done it again. I’ve gone and spoken the truth, and now I’m wondering whether it was such a good idea.
Not that I would prefer lying, mind you. But I know that on the continuum between Telling the Truth and Lying Your Face Off is a vast, uncharted wilderness called You Know, You Don’t Have to Say Anything At All. It’s a place that I’ve been, many times, but I never feel quite at home there. I inevitably pack it up and head in the direction of Telling the Truth.
In the month of June, I’ve not only reached the land of Telling the Truth. I’ve also bought a house there, planted a garden, run for mayor, and used a megaphone to inform everyone of The Truth About My Life. I did it all quite consciously, knowing that it might not, er, work out as I’d hoped. The problem is that I don’t know whether it’s worked out or not. I’m still waiting to find out.
I hate waiting. I think I’ve mentioned that before somewhere.
So here’s what I did:
Submitted an article
June 7: I submitted a Viewpoint article to my local paper about my Asperger’s diagnosis and the top 10 worst myths about autism I’ve had to excise from my brain in order to keep my sanity be a proud and happy autistic person. The article will go onto the paper’s website some time later this month, and it will appear in the July issue of the paper, which can be found in various places all over town. I wrote the article in order to a) come out as an autistic person locally, b) advocate for autistic people, and c) let other autistic people in town know that I walk among them.Given that the article hasn’t come out yet, I’m shaking in my shoes thinking, “Can’t I just go back to thinking I’m neuro-typical-and-neurotic instead of autistic-and-eccentric? It’s not too late to get the toothpaste back in the tube. Is it?” Then, I realize that yes, it’s too late to turn back now, and the shaking-in-my-shoes thing gets a little worse.
Wrote to an old friend
June 11: I wrote to an old friend from high school. The reason I made this stupid move decided to email him is that I was looking over a set of pictures he’d taken of me as a graduation present in 1976. I was looking at them because I was getting started on my book, and I needed to put all the pictures in one place. So, I wrote to him, and I told him that I was writing a book and had found all the pictures. I wanted to let him know that I still had the pictures, and that they mean a lot to me. It was a very short, friendly email.On June 12, I got a really nice response, in which he was very excited to hear from me, had added me as a friend on his Facebook page, wanted to know what I’d been up to, and asked me about my book. (I’ll bet you know what’s coming, don’t you?) He also said that he’d love to see some of the photos. So, the same day, I wrote him back, told him about Bob and Ashlynne, where we live, what we do with our time, and yes, that I’m writing a book about my life-with-Asperger’s-Syndrome-a-high-functioning-form-of-autism-and-that-learning-about-my-AS-has-been-a-great-blessing-in-my-life. I also attached four of the photos he’d wanted to see, which I had on my computer because I’d put them in a blog post.
I’m still waiting for the response that I know will never come. I used to put my foot in it and mention being an abuse survivor. Now I’m doing it with being autistic. But, hell, when people say “Hi, how are you, tell me about yourself and what you’ve been doing,” I can’t just say, “Hi, I’ve been doing just fine, I go to church every Sunday, and my life has been bliss.” I just can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t know whether it’s my brain or my heart or some evil demon who possesses me when I write emails to people I haven’t seen in 30 years, but I can’t help it. I have to tell them Who I Really Am.
It tends to put people off. I don’t get that. Yes, I know, there’s this whole little stupid social dance thing I’m supposed to do, but life is short and I have no interest in dancing around the truth.
Sent an email to two local people
June 17: I sent a copy of my “coming out” article to the store manager and volunteer co-ordinator at the store. I had emailed them previously, telling them that I needed to take some time off. They each sent me beautiful emails, and the store manager said that if there was anything they could do, I should ask. I had decided before I wrote my reply that I couldn’t go back to the store without coming out about being an Aspie. I’m sick of hiding. I just can’t do it anymore. So, when I sent my email, with the article attached, I told them that I really missed the store and that I wanted to sit down with them and figure out how I could best help out there.Now, I know that a lot of people don’t read their email everyday. I also know that the store manager isn’t there every day, and that the volunteer co-ordinator just had a baby and is working reduced hours. I also know that maybe they need some time to digest what I wrote. My husband has reassured me that everything will work out, because they already love what I do there and finding out about my autism won’t change that. My therapist said exactly the same thing. Given that both Bob and my therapist are very down-to-earth, sensible people, I know that I should listen to them.
I also know that if the response is negative, it will actually be a good thing, because at least I’ll know that I should put my energy elsewhere. But I don’t want to put my energy elsewhere. I would really like to be at the store again. I miss it.
This waiting is so hard. I’ll keep you posted.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
7 Responses to “The Waiting Game, Part II: Help! Did I Screw Up?”
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i sometimes get the same way waiting for a response, especially about things like AS, or, like, the truth.
i know that it’s a good thing to know, too, but i still have anxiety about burning yet another bridge. there are so many
as hard as it sounds, it would be great to just forget about it, then, when you hear something back, it becomes a pleasant surprise! see how easy that was?Ben
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Heh, sounds like me.
First of all, I think it is GREAT that you have come out with your diagnosis in your local community. You are definitely a positive, outspoken person for the job of raising awareness.
That said, I can really very much identify with feeling as if you’ve shared too much about yourself. I’ve learned that people just want the basics, and yet I still feel utterly compelled to share more, the “real” me – not just the superficial. I almost never get a favorable response to this. HIndsight is always 20/20. I’m not a fan of the social dance, either.
I wouldn’t worry about the store just yet. The reasons you mentioned are really valid ones for there being a delay. Also, they may value you being there very much and just want to make sure they respond in a respectful way.
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I think you did the right thing. Man, I cant stand not being honest about myself. I have on several occasions brought up Asperger’s with people I barely knew or hadnt’ talked to in years. To me , it’s like, if you’re not OK with this, then I’m not OK with you …. and most of them have been okay with it. Most respond with interest, and want to know more. Several have mentioned having a friend or relative with AS and want to “mine” me for info about AS, which makes me happy as I love to share my knowledge about it. So all in all my coming out about AS has been a largely positive experience. I suppose those who are not okay with it, don’t talk to me, but I haven’t noticed any of them, so…… All the people I care about, tend to respond positively, and I hope it will be the same for you.
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You are so brave! I’m self-diagnosed, if that, and have only “come out” IRL to two people, those closest to me, who took it well and said it could explain a lot! I used to answer quite truthfully when people asked “how are you?” and remember having to be sat down and told in no uncertain terms when I was about 15 that when someone asks how you are they DON”T really want to know, and the correct answer is “fine thanks” AND one is supposed to ask how they are too even if you don’t give a hoot really… fast forward to now and I have learnt to keep my cards pretty close to my chest for a number of reasons, nosiness and jealousy and not wanting to give anyone cause for Schadenfreude being front and centre in some cases.
So thank you for your courage and for sharing your journey and for providing this little haven in cyberspace . -
Funny…I was so excited I finally had a name for all my weirdness. And I’d already given up on people in general so it wasn’t that big a deal for me. About 80% of those I did tell, immediately told me I was wrong. Maybe they didn’t want to associate with an autistic person.
Most NTs though, don’t know what to do. They think autistics are head bangers, have huge public noisy meltdowns, etc., and they certainly don’t know what to do about them and don’t want to be around them. They think that now there is a name for it, it means the behavior of the individual sharing this info will suddenly change.
And truth be told, they don’t want to know because if they have abused the autistic, or even thought about it, it now makes them a “bad” person. “All this time I made fun of X behind his/her back about his/her nerdiness and clumsiness to suddenly find out I was making fun of a handicapped person. What an awful person I am. I don’t want to be around X anymore cuz it reminds me I’m an awful person that made fun of a handicapped person. It’s much easier to just ignore them now, because OMG what would I do if they actually wanted to communicate with me or worse, be real friends?”
Aspies tend to see the black and white, i.e., Tell the whole truth OR lie my face off. Sometimes I think that makes it easier for us. We don’t have to deal with little white lies, the grey area…etc. NTs have to make all these decisions somewhere in the middle. Of course, they seem to do it effortlessly…..
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Hi! Okay, seriously, I definitely don’t think you “screwed up”. You are who you are. People, yes, have misconceptions about Autism and Asperger Syndrome and some of those people are going to (RUDELY! Pfft, and they say WE’RE rude) simply not respond to you at all because of those misconceptions. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t tell folks about it though, especially as it’s something that is affecting you in a really enormous way. I mean, this is an IDENTITY thing, you know? You’re still doing that whole “Okay, so this is who I am, and this is who I’ve always been and I haven’t necessarily known it, and I’m okay with who I am. Am I okay with who I am? I THINK I’m okay with who I am. I love this and this and this about me, and omigosh THIS wasn’t because I was stupid or lazy and hey! There are some good things in this Aspie place!” dance. But I mean, how can you NOT share that?
And the people who are worthwhile are going to accept that, because they accept YOU for who you are. I think there’s more reality in this sentence than in so many things I’ve heard lately:
“I also know that if the response is negative, it will actually be a good thing, because at least I’ll know that I should put my energy elsewhere.”
It SUCKS to have people judge you, and it ESPECIALLY sucks to have them misunderstand you (and THEN judge you), but some of them are going to do it… and that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be real, or should be ashamed and hide who you are. This is you.
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btw, I haven’t been reading your site for very long (a couple of weeks?) and I’ve only recently discovered that I probably have Asperger Syndrome (not getting an “official diagnosis” until the Fall, if then), but I think you’re awesome.
That is all. Just wanted to let you know.
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About Me
I'm Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg, and I publish this blog, Journeys with Autism. I'm a wife, mother, writer, singer, artist, photographer, community volunteer, and the chapter leader for the Vermont Chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN).
At the age of 50, I awoke to my place on the autism spectrum and discovered a world of gifts, struggles, and life-changing possibilities. My latest book, The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism, was published in July of 2010. My work has also appeared in Shift Journal of Alternatives: Neurodiversity and Social Change and in the Disability Rights and Neurodiversity section of the ASAN website.
My Memoir
"The Uncharted Path is an autism autobiography unlike any I’ve ever read.....I’d recommend The Uncharted Path to anyone on the spectrum, to anyone who has friends or relatives on the spectrum, and to anyone who cares for people on the spectrum. Her book is written straight from the heart.” —Gavin Bollard, author of Life with Asperger’s
“Cohen-Rottenberg is emotionally honest and skilled at relaying the stories from her childhood and adulthood that made her the person she is today....A highly recommended read."—Kate Goldfield, author of Common Scents: Adventures with Autism and Chemical Sensitivity
“What Rachel has written, few others would be able to....An enlightening journey."—Jon Gilbert, author of Same Child, Different Day
My memoir The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism is now available in paperback for $17.95 and in PDF format for $8.95.
To purchase the book, please contact me by email. I accept payment via PayPal, by check, or by money order. You can also find the book for sale in paperback on Amazon.com.
Thank you for your interest in my work.
Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
rachel@journeyswithautism.com
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