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Jun23
Anxiety, Impatience, and Breaking a Process Down into Steps
11 CommentsLess than three miles from my house, there is a non-profit, year-round day school for autistic people between the ages of 11 and 22. The school provides academic classes, work on social and emotional development, attention to fitness and sensory needs, and vocational training and entrepreneurship opportunities. The ratio of teachers to students is 1:4, and each student has an aide.
I contacted the school a couple of weeks ago, because it sounds like a place I might like to volunteer. I told them a little bit about myself—my recent Asperger’s diagnosis, my old career, my new life—and I asked whether they would be interested in my helping out. Within a couple of hours, I got a very enthusiastic response from a staff person named Stephanie. Her email began with the words “Wow! This is fantastic!”
After some emailing back and forth, I’m in the process of figuring out the best time to go and see the school environment in action. I told Stephanie that I will need to take into consideration my auditory and visual sensitivities. Her reply, and I quote: “We’re flexible and completely willing to meet your needs.” Wow. She sent me a brochure with information about their summer program so that I could decide when to come.
So far, very good. I am excited about the possibilities. I would be able to do some community service work with autistic people in an environment that takes our way of being into account. Being able to go somewhere and just be around other autistic people would be great for me, and being able to help support the kids coming up would give me a lot of satisfaction.
However, I’m noticing how anxious I feel over actually going there and meeting the staff. I generally get pretty anxious when I have to go to a new place and meet new people. That’s not unusual. What’s really got me going today is the fact that I can go there and be my autistic self. Arghh! Go somewhere and be autistic? I can almost feel the pathways in my brain twisting and turning to comprehend this new reality.
The anxiety is showing me the roots of my impatience. I feel so much anxiety that I want to fly over all the steps I need to take before I know whether volunteering there will work. I just want to plunk myself into a role there, have everyone be happy, and get started. The anxiety about having to go through all the steps on the way is really tough for me. It always is, but this time, precisely because I do not have to pretend to be neuro-typical, it feels even tougher. I’m so used to hiding all my autistic traits when I’m out in the world that it feels really hard to remember that I won’t have to. It feels backwards.
So, instead of being anxious and impatient, I figured that I should just take the bull by the horns and write the steps down. Then, I’ll see how harmless they really are. I hope.
1. Peruse the brochure and choose a day and time to go to the school. Send an email to Stephanie, and see whether that day and time will work for the staff.
2. The night before I go, try to get some sleep. (Okay, who am I kidding? I probably won’t sleep much.)
3. The day I go, I’ll be tired and anxious, but that will be okay. (Really? Truly?)
4. Meet with one or two staff people.
5. Spend some time in one of the classes, observing (or possibly participating in) an activity with the students.
6. Take careful note of how the environment is affecting me.
7. Talk with staff about their thoughts for how I might help out, including what days and times are best for them.
8. Go home and think about it a bunch.
9. Decide that it will work.
10. Start volunteering there.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
11 Responses to “Anxiety, Impatience, and Breaking a Process Down into Steps”
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John Dale Lyons June 23rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
Don’t worry about acting autistic or non-austic. Just be yourself, and your winning personality will carry you through.
I worked so hard at acting non-a that it’s second nature to me; so much so that people who don’t know me really well cannnot tell the difference. When I was a child, I was obviously autistic. Which is the real me? They both are. I don’t like it when people doubt the diagnosis because I can “pass” but I am not going to revert to childhood behaviors that no longer feel comfortable to prove my authenticity. I know who am and where I came from.
“The Child is father of the Man; I could wish my days to be Bound each to each by natural piety.” William Wordsworth.
Or as Dorothy Wordsworth might amend: “The Child is Mother of the Woman…”
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Jennifer June 23rd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Oh Rachel, it’s such a great opportunity!
I wish you so well in this direction, because I believe that you are a very special person, with special gifts that you could use to help other Auties.
You mean so much to me and other people who read your blog, and I believe that you can make and “see” the positive difference you can make in the lives of others too. -
suebeedee June 23rd, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Hi Rachel,
Sounds like a nice possibility. I say possibility because right now there are no have toos, just opportunities to explore this idea. I wonder if you aren’t trying to fit too much into your first visit. How about meeting one staff first to avoid the three’s a crowd syndrome, then on another day visit a classroom, then on another day discuss how you might be helpful if you decide to proceed There’s no rush so why not go slow the way your nervous system likes it. They said they are flexible and completely willing to meet your needs. Perhaps this would also give you some information on just how willing they are and how safe you feel there. Perhaps the thought of anticipating 3 visits instead of one makes you more anxious but try to think of these as the actual volunteering part. Either way you have my Blessings you are a wonderful human and having insight into “their world” will surely give these students courage and ease. Look forward to reading about your decision.
Suebeedee -
That’s awesome, Rachel! I hope it works out really well for you!
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Sounds awesome! I hope it works!
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I think that’s really awesome, and I can’t wait to hear about your visit. So you’d better get on with it.
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It sounds wonderful, Rachel. I can’t wait to hear more about how this unfolds!
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“I just want to plunk myself into a role there, have everyone be happy, and get started. The anxiety about having to go through all the steps on the way is really tough for me.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Getting to the “feeling comfortable” part is such a difficult task. Sometimes I really have to force myself cuz I “know” it’ll be okay once I get settled in. Good luck and glad you found something that sounds so perfect for you!
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Thanks, everyone. Your insights and support are just wonderful!
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ahhh. i almost feel ten years old again…..;)
i am more patient than i used to be, but still manage to charm a small percentage with my youthful exuberance.
have fun, looking forward to hearing about it. -
“Youthful exuberance”–LOL! That’s a great way to think about it.
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About Me
I'm Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg, and I publish this blog, Journeys with Autism. I'm a wife, mother, writer, singer, artist, photographer, community volunteer, and the chapter leader for the Vermont Chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN).
At the age of 50, I awoke to my place on the autism spectrum and discovered a world of gifts, struggles, and life-changing possibilities. My latest book, The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism, was published in July of 2010. My work has also appeared in Shift Journal of Alternatives: Neurodiversity and Social Change and in the Disability Rights and Neurodiversity section of the ASAN website.
My Memoir
"The Uncharted Path is an autism autobiography unlike any I’ve ever read.....I’d recommend The Uncharted Path to anyone on the spectrum, to anyone who has friends or relatives on the spectrum, and to anyone who cares for people on the spectrum. Her book is written straight from the heart.” —Gavin Bollard, author of Life with Asperger’s
“Cohen-Rottenberg is emotionally honest and skilled at relaying the stories from her childhood and adulthood that made her the person she is today....A highly recommended read."—Kate Goldfield, author of Common Scents: Adventures with Autism and Chemical Sensitivity
“What Rachel has written, few others would be able to....An enlightening journey."—Jon Gilbert, author of Same Child, Different Day
My memoir The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism is now available in paperback for $17.95 and in PDF format for $8.95.
To purchase the book, please contact me by email. I accept payment via PayPal, by check, or by money order. You can also find the book for sale in paperback on Amazon.com.
Thank you for your interest in my work.
Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
rachel@journeyswithautism.com
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