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Jun25
Still in a Holding Pattern: Update
10 CommentsORIGINAL POST: I’m feeling very stuck. After more than a week, I still have not heard from anyone at the store. Bob is going to stop by there today to politely inquire and perhaps gently mention that a response would help me a lot right now.
It’s not just about whether I’ll be able to keep volunteering at the store. Who knows how that will work out? Right now, it’s about the fact that I feel too uncomfortable to go to the store, just to shop or look around, because I don’t know what’s going on. Have both people I emailed been on vacation for the past week? Are they angry that I sent them an email rather than making a time to sit down and talk with them? Are they scared off by the word autism?
I don’t know. And when I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know what to expect. And when I don’t know what to expect, I won’t walk into a situation at all. I find it so overwhelming to walk into something I don’t understand that I just stay away. If I knew where people were in their process there, I’d feel better. But I have no information.
At this point, I don’t even go near the store, because I don’t want to run into anyone who works there. It would feel too uncomfortable. What if I see someone, and they ask me where I’ve been? Or if I’m coming back soon? How will I know what to say? And even if I think of something non-committal, the interaction will still feel painful and awkward.
So I’m staying pretty close to home much of the time.
About the school for autistic young people, I am feeling more optimistic. I took my friend Sue’s advice and sent an email asking to break up my visit into smaller, more manageable portions. Here’s what I sent last night:
Hi Stephanie,
Welcome back, and thanks for your message.
The best way for me to proceed is to do things one at a time. So, perhaps one day, I could come in and meet with you to talk over what your needs are and how I can help. Then, another day, I could meet with Carol, or observe one of your summer programs. If I try to do too much in one day, I’ll get overloaded.
In general, one-to-one conversations work best for me, especially when I’m meeting new people in a new place. Once I get to know people, and they get to know my strengths and challenges, I can talk in a small group. It’s work, but I can do it.
I could come in some time next week to talk with you or Carol. Would Tuesday, June 30th work, in the late morning? Except for Friday, my schedule is fairly open right now.
All the best to you,
Rachel
Between the store and the school, I’m doing my best to be myself and to speak my truth. The problem is that I’m afraid that in doing so, I will just mess everything up. It’s happened before. I speak my truth and poof! Where did everyone go? So that’s kind of scary. Okay, very scary. Okay, so scary that I just want to cry. It’s to the point that I expect that everything will fall apart for me in the world if I come out about who I really am.
I went out today and bought some flowers for my garden. I had to get out of the house and go somewhere, and I had to cheer myself up. New perennials generally help. It’s too warm this afternoon to plant them, but hopefully, the evening will be cooler.
Thanks for listening. I’ll keep you updated.
UPDATE: Bob just got back from the store. He spoke with the store manager, who said that everyone really wants me to come back. Phew! Apparently, the time delay happened because she circulated the information I sent her to everyone on the staff (eek! I wasn’t expecting that!), just to make sure that no one saw a problem. I’m not clear whether she was asking about possible logistical problems (i.e. whether they can give me tasks to do that won’t overload me) or more personal issues (i.e. whether anyone at the store has a problem working with an autistic person). Anyway, no one saw a problem either way, and she’s going to send me an email tomorrow.
So, anyway, this is good news, yes?
This coming out stuff is rough, though. I’m feeling kind of exposed, on account of I just jettisoned all the masks I usually hide under. But it’s easier than hiding. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel that way, but that’s only because the pain of hiding is familiar. I’m not used to saying “Here I Am!” But I’ve got a feeling I could begin to enjoy the experience.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
10 Responses to “Still in a Holding Pattern: Update”
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Awww. I look forward to hearing how the store thing plays out. I hope it’s just that no one’s had the chance to say anything, but I hope more that no matter what it is you get the info quickly… I know what it’s like waiting to find out if what you just said is going to make everything fall apart.
“It’s happened before. I speak my truth and poof! Where did everyone go?”
Ugh, I get that too. People say that if speaking your truth “drives people away”, the people who are driven away weren’t worth being around anyway. And in a way I suppose that’s true, but it doesn’t really get rid of the pain of feeling a) you broke something and b) people left because you were being yourself. It is teh suck.
Here’s hoping no one goes poof.
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Jennifer June 25th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Good news Rachel!
Your letter to the school was fine too. I don’t think that anyone will find it disconcerting. You are being clear about what your needs are. It’s straightforward, and makes things easier for them too!
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Good luck with the store and the school.
I hope you manage everything.
Be careful though. -
Samuel, how do you mean?
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So glad it worked out well in the end Rachel – or at least it sounds that way.
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Rachel, I’m in admiration of your coming out so fully….you’ve given me some good advice on being myself lately on my angst-ridden posts at my blog
, and I think I’m about ten steps behind you on this path. I wate with bated breath to see how your huge, scary steps into full exposure turn out for you…and in the meantime, I can completely relate to the “huge, scary” feeling. I’m sure you already know this, but I am totally rooting for you on the sidelines! Go, Rachel! Go, Rachel! Step up and embrace this wonderful woman, world! -
“Between the store and the school, I’m doing my best to be myself and to speak my truth. The problem is that I’m afraid that in doing so, I will just mess everything up. ”
You won’t “mess it up.” It may not work out the way you’d envisioned, but it won’t work out cuz it just wouldn’t work out. If it won’t work out with you being yourself, changing yourself to keep it from “messing up” wouldn’t work in the long run, either. To thine own self be true…it’s the only way.
Good luck on both situations! I truly hope you find places where you’re comfortable and welcome.
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I think it’s good you’ve come out because it teaches people that autism isn’t all “rain man.” Somehow people in my social circle have found out that I might be on the autism spectrum (I think I’m primarily SPD). They’ve been ok about it.
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Once again, I have the coolest blog friends ever. Thanks for your wisdom and support. I know that if I am just myself, I will find my place somewhere. It may not be where I was expecting it, but I will find it.
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Yaaaaayyyyyyy! You’re such an inspiration!
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