A few weeks back, when I decided to let go of my activities in the outside world, I had a feeling of wanting to start from my home base. I didn’t have the energy to make the hour’s drive to Massachusetts to see my OT, and I needed time away from the store to figure out how to be there without feeling like an NT impersonator. My only remaining outside commitment was to see my AS-literate therapist in New Hampshire every other week.

After my third visit to the therapist, I decided to stop going there, too. I liked the therapist very much. She was warm, attentive, and very encouraging. But the 35-40 minute trip to her office in New Hampshire felt like too much of a stretch. The drive made me feel lonely. Here I was, driving to the next state, to an unfamiliar place, to a town I didn’t live in, to get support for how to live my life back home. It made me feel desolate.

As I’ve let go of these activities, I’ve been happy to be at home much of the day, able to follow my internal rhythm, without the pressure of having to go anywhere at any particular time. I’ve been able to work in the garden, growing flowers and vegetables. I’ve been able to eat in a healthier way, and I’ve been getting exercise every day. I’ve even begun work on my book.

The more time I spend at home, the more I’m reminded that Bob and I didn’t buy a house in the center of town for nothing. We like being able to walk everywhere. We like leaving the car at home. So, it became clear that whatever I do with my life in the outside world, it has to happen locally. I have to find a way to stake my claim to the town I live in and find a place where I can be myself.

As it turns out, my decision to stay local is already bearing fruit. As I wrote last week, the manager at the thrift store told Bob that she had distributed my “coming-out” article to everyone on the staff, and that everyone was fine with it. On Friday afternoon, she sent me the following message by email:

“It has been so busy at the shop and we miss you terribly. All the staff have said is, ‘When is she coming back?’ So, please come back when you can and we will do whatever we can to accommodate your needs and to make you comfortable. We appreciate your thoughtful nature, your kind and generous spirit, your clarity, your beautiful presence. We honor your journey…come share it with us. Our very best wishes to you, my dear. Let us know how it goes. Hope to see you soon.”

Is that amazing, or WHAT? I forwarded the message to Bob, and before we lit the Shabbos candles on Friday night, he read it aloud at the dinner table. We both had tears in our eyes.

So now, I am thinking that I will start by working at the store for an hour, one day a week, just to see what I can do and how to make it work for me. I will probably end up going there more often, just to look around, because it’s a friendly place and they have lots of neat stuff there. I really love thrift stores, and it’s one of the friendliest and most interesting ones I’ve seen.

The next step is to make a time to meet with a staff person from the local school for autistic youth. I emailed my contact person last week, but I have not heard back yet. In any case, I feel good about the way that I’m managing the process.

Thank you to everyone for helping me find my way along this path.

© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg