I’m so glad you found my blog, and congratulations on getting your diagnosis! Even though Asperger’s comes with its difficulties, the feeling of life finally making sense is a profound relief.

at 32, i just got diagnosed. still waiting for the report, it’s that fresh. but i’ve suspected AS for a while. i realized at some point that i just couldn’t meet what was demanded of me. i realized how much i was coming up short. i had no idea that it was all taking me so much more energy than other people.

like listening takes far more energy because of central auditory processing disorder. so i get tired. i stop listening. i retreat. i seek silence. rest. i am always tired.

so this post made me cry, because it hits me in waves as i take more in, just how much more sense my life makes, and like you said, a fall *into grace*.

shalom

April – Your post suddenly put my lack of a Dutch driver’s license into context (though it isn’t exactly the situation to which you refer, where gaining one skill leads to loss of another). I got my driver’s license (US) at 16 like everyone else and drove for 20 years before we moved to Holland. It was automatic; I didn’t have to think about anything. After we moved, I drove for about a year before I had to get a Dutch license, and it was TERRIFYING. Bicyclists, different right-of-way rules, different signs (in different colors)….I was worn out driving five miles down the road. And I failed my driving test (something about two-lane rotundas I didn’t get right….pfft, didn’t have them where I come from). And you know what? Underneath the pissed-offness, I was secretly incredibly relieved. That was six years ago, and I haven’t had a single urge to go for my license again since, despite a lot of urging from well-meaning family and friends. Since I’ve found out I’m autistic, now I know where the relief comes from. And I know I don’t have it in me to master driving here (in the sense of becoming comfortable with it; I’ve already learned the rules).

“It can be a normal part of even non-autistic people’s development, that when a certain difficult skill is being gained, others are temporarily lost. In autistic people, this loss or disruption of skills can be longer-term or permanent, and more prominent than it would be in a non-autistic person. An autistic person who learns to talk may lose some social skills, an autistic person who gains some social skills may lose the ability to talk, and all kinds of other combinations of things. This may be a natural part of learning for some people, and in others it may be a sign that they’re being pushed too far.”

This quite explains how I forgot about using the telephone book after living 9 months abroad and why I lost my ability to put together a logical 3-word sentence when I went to art school!

I could kiss you!

It took another almost ten years to find out what I was had a name, and since then I’m trying harder and harder to not “pass” unless I have to. I just basically gave myself permission to not do anything I didn’t want to. Of course, it has to be within reason, but I have learned what I have to do and what I thought I have to do are generally very different creatures.

I’ve found a few people and places I feel safe in, and interestingly enough found that earbuds and an MP3 player really keeps people from trying to interact with me. I put a book in player, and feel much more comfortable about “going out”.

I can get by with a “smile” and nod when clerks try to talk to me, and can also pretend I don’t hear people that ignore the fact my mind is occupied with whatever I’m listening to…. And I don’t feel I have to be the polite one when people obviously feel whatever they want is more important than what I want. I sometimes envy my autistic grandson who spends most of his time in his own world. At six now, no one expects him to interact…they just let him be. (Not his school of course, they insist he participate and interact…. so sad.)

Why not try at least the ear buds if listening to something is too much stimulation. They block out some sound and imply that “you are busy” to others….kinda like if you have a phone up to your ear….