I suppose it doesn’t matter how tall anyone is, does it? When I was in my 20s, I had a boyfriend who was 6′ 2″, and I once lost him in a crowd because I was looking for someone at my eye level. When I finally saw him, he’d been standing in front of me for about five minutes! He thought it was really funny, but I was confused as to why I hadn’t looked up. It was probably some deficit with my spatial skills, or maybe I was just overwhelmed by the crowd.

Noticed that I have lists of tasks, social & non, and the highest priority gets done while whatever is at the bottom often remains undone. All the tasks-or contact with individual people-matter to me, but what happens is that some items trump other ones merely by (inadvertent yet necessary) elimination. In economic terms, “opportunity costs”: if I do this, then I won’t be able to do that.

As in, I plan to reply to all these people, but I only have so much energy/attention-”juice” (vernacular for my resources of whichever sort). As a result, some errands-or people-get neglected. Not because I don’t want to attend to them, but because I used up my “juice” already, on more pressing needs.

For instance, when I’m hanging out with someone, I’d genuinely agree to another meeting in future. What distinguishes that interaction from the rest of my life is that while spending time with an individual, there’s no other competition for my attention/energy-so it seems reasonable & realistic of me to say “yes, let’s do this again”.

Once the isolated interaction with that one person is over, I’m thrust back into the teeming sea of multiple people/things vying for me to take action (write, call, visit, etc.) upon them. That can displace the slot I’d expected to have free/open for another occasion with the previous person (or task). The “yes” response of the present is true-right up until it collides with the myriad other “yeses” in one’s life, and then something ends up “falling by the wayside”.

So, it’s not an intentional slight nor an aware deception-it’s that I can’t predict how a single commitment will interact with (and which will take precedence over) the multitude of commitments I’ve made in the rest of my life. In good faith, I’ll go along with-or suggest-a future meeting with someone, but I can’t forecast whether I’ll be willing/able to do so, “for real”.

Also, I often am unsure of how an interaction made me feel until quite awhile after it’s ended-because I’m so nervous & overwhelmed in the present moment while with the person-so I only know what I think about it much later. When in the present moment with someone, I’m focused on that-to the exclusion of most other people/things, and my overall sense of myself isn’t available to me until I’m out of that situation-with plenty of time & space to figure out how all these phenomena/stimuli “rate” in comparison to all the possibilities on my plate (choice to consider).

I’ll anticipate having more “juice” than I end up having later-suppose it’s a universal human problem, of one’s “reach exceeding one’s grasp”: not realizing my limitations, because I want to please others & because I want to be able to do more than I can.

I think many people are afraid of anyone who they see as being “different” and they are terrified of change, and of learning something new, i.e. that the non-autistic view of life, that they are used to, is not the only view. The more autistic people we have as friends, the richer all our lives will be.

If it’s any reassurance, this feeling of social rejection is also experienced by many non-a/a people, my family for instance will only respond to a desperate “help” email or message otherwise they’re just too busy obsessing with their own selves. Even when they DO respond, they’re not much help. And I never get invited to lunch, I think it’s because I live in the wrong area and I like to do my own thing.
I get what you’re saying though, even though you’d probably be bored having lunch with those people, it would be nice to be invited.
cheers and keep up the great writing,
deb

Thanks for writing this post it made me feel good about myself.

- Samantha

So glad to see you here, and welcome!

I don’t think anyone here will think you’re cowardly for not having come out more forcefully in the past. It’s a process with which we all struggle, and we’re all doing the best we can. I do my best to make sure that this blog is a positive, safe space in which to share our experiences.

THANK YOU.
Heh. Just found your blog, and am so happy to make your acquaintance. I, too, am 51 and stumbled thru the bulk of my life before discovering my AS ten years ago. Raising a slightly AS son as a single mother, I wasn’t about to go public until he was in college. Now, more than ever, I need to be a stronger advocate for him, for you, for me, for all of us, and am enthused to do so. I know some will think I am cowardly for not having come forward more 10, 8, 6 years ago, but believe me I tried and only got shot down. Thankfully, these days there are finally a few adult AS groups in my area, but I’m thinking of creating one of my own.