Last summer, I met “Lily” (not her name) & her boyfriend “Lars”-and we seemed to get along okay, for the most part. Lily introduced me to a couple of her friends-with whom I got along pretty well (and I’ve remained in contact with them). Had no premeditation of “using” Lily as a means to meet other folks-at the time, I believed that I’d enjoy being friends with Lily for the foreseeable future.

Dealing with Lars-and hearing of Lily’s disagreements with him-was more difficult, though. The sort of situation in which a person is griping about another’s incorrigibility, yet is not willing/able to do anything about it. It can be terribly frustrating-I know that much, from people’s reaction to me (when they’d explain).

Lily also has a chronic illness, and I can’t shut off my responses to that, either. I feel so bad for her on that level-as well as for her living conditions. I inquired about possible sources of assistance for her, but those seemed to be inadequate.

In continuing to spend time with her, I noticed a growing sense of “bad feeling” whenever she was on my mind. I came to dread being in communication with her-even more so when she’d come over to visit me. Beforehand & afterwards, I’d feel a massive sense of being dragged down mentally, emotionally-and I had to save myself. I couldn’t help her enough, and I couldn’t detach my brain from her circumstances.

It may have seemed as if I didn’t care, but instead I cared too much-I couldn’t wall myself off from her pain, so I “bailed” and stopped affiliating with her. That was back in March of this year. My choices were to either drift off without explaining why, or to say words I lack the courage to speak-I can’t bear to directly reject someone to his/her face (and it’s not much easier via email), so I just “disappeared”.

I felt (and still feel) awful about my behavior, guilty for abandoning someone without a word-though giving the reason why I did so would be too “mean”-so there was no “good”, “kind”, or “right” answer. Yet, I don’t regret my decision (in terms of the effects upon me)-it’s been a significant relief to be free of her downward pull (and again, I intend no offense against her, this is merely my particular experience in relation to her).

In retrospect, it’s not so surprising that I got fed up with the friendship, as there were numerous occasions where I’d think to myself “I can overlook this” and “I’ll just dismiss that”-but it eventually accumulated into “I just can’t take one more minute of this person”. Reaching “critical mass” or a “tipping point”, where the balance shifts from “this is tolerable, I can enjoy her otherwise” to “I’m not going to sacrifice myself in order to stay in this relationship”. However, I understand that none of this was visible to Lily, so it came across as sudden & abrupt. I’m terrible at handling being rejected, so this whole issue is an ongoing challenge that I am always trying to work on.

I still run into her around town & I feel awful about this. She has asked me a couple times about why she hasn’t heard from me in so long, and I can never summon the strength (because it sounds so harsh) to plainly state “because I don’t want to”.