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Oct15
Hey! Where’d My Anxiety and Depression Go?
16 CommentsHere I am, sitting in my loft, seeing almost nothing but bright yellow leaves out my window. It’s a beautiful New England autumn day, and life feels very peaceful. A number of wonderful things have been happening.
Another birthday comes around
My beloved husband turned 65 this week, and he spent his birthday as he always does: taking a long walk and writing in his journal. When he turned 64, I reassured him that I would still need him and still feed him. And now that he’s 65? Hmmm…I guess I’ll continue to. I’ve kinda gotten used to the guy. And he is a really nice guy, too.My new ASL tutor is wonderful
I began one-to-one ASL tutoring with a new teacher named Brittainy. She came over to my house on Monday afternoon, and we had a great time together. She’s a 30-year-old painter who teaches art at the school for the Deaf. She’s become progressively hard of hearing over the course of her life and learned ASL only five years ago. It’s very encouraging to be learning from someone who acquired ASL as an adult. She’s a very focused, enthusiastic teacher, and I’m a very focused, motivated student, so I’m very much looking forward to practicing my skills and learning from her. It feels great to have turned the corner from a class that didn’t work to a tutoring situation that does.My book goes out for review
After revising my memoir for the third time, I finally decided it was time to show it around. I sent the book out for review to a few people—none of whom, I assume, see any need to reorganize it, delete half the text, or add an encyclopedia’s worth of missing information. (Yes, I’m staying optimistic. More on that later.)My meds get reassessed
The background: I’ve been taking the same tricyclic anti-depressant for twenty-two years, and a newer anti-anxiety medication for about five years. While they still help, their effects seem to have diminished over time. In addition to feeling depressed more often than I’d like, I’d been noticing that just about everything in life was causing me anxiety, from stepping out my door, to talking on the phone, to grocery shopping, to trying to get to sleep at night. So, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss my medications, and I saw him earlier in the month.During the appointment, I described my anxiety, and I told him how often I seem to “bottom out” into depression. After I’d recited the short history of my awful childhood, my memories of my parents, and the challenges of my newly diagnosed autism, he said, “The combination of your childhood trauma, a possible family history of depression, and your neurological wiring creates a condition akin to The Perfect Storm. There is no way you could put those things together and come out with anything other than anxiety and depression.”
I just about hugged him. Then, he prescribed Zoloft. I just about hugged him again. He said that the Zoloft would help with both the anxiety and the depression, and that I wouldn’t have to quit taking my other medications. I’d been very anxious about the prospect of having to go off my regular meds before starting a new one, so when he said it wasn’t necessary, I almost hugged him again.
In addition to my old meds, I’ve been on Zoloft for about a week. The effect is pretty amazing. At first, I felt nauseated and tired out, but that often happens when I introduce anything new into my system. After a few days, I started feeling good. It’s not as though all of my problems are solved, but disappointments aren’t laying me low as they once did, and I’m maintaining a reasonably optimistic view of things. Better yet, I seem able to accept the limitations of my autism without guilt, frustration, anger, or the whole wishing-it-were-otherwise syndrome. And that mask of neuro-typical perfection I used to hide behind? I can’t find it anywhere, and I don’t even care where I left it.
In short, I seem to be focusing on my strengths and accepting the rest. It’s been a long time coming.
I have to admit, though, that in the midst of all this wondrousness, I’ve been having the strangest feeling. I keep asking myself: What has happened to Anxiety and Depression, my constant companions? Where did they go? They’ve been around for so long that things feel strangely quiet without them.
I could live with that kind of peace.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
16 Responses to “Hey! Where’d My Anxiety and Depression Go?”
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Gee, maybe I SHOULD try drugs, if you had such a good experience. Damn it to hell. We shall see. Glad you are feeing better.
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I’m glad you found the right professional/med combination to help you. It sounds positive
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I have been running away from the idea meds and psychs forever. You’re braver than me. Glad you found some positive help there. Also glad that things seem to be looking up for you
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I’m sooooooooo happy for you. I just went through all that, too, as I had shared with you and found my mild anti-depressant and anti-anxiety have changed my life so much. I have to say that for the first time in my life, I’m happy and am not waiting for the rug to be pulled out from beneath me.
It is nice, isn’t it, to have peace and clarity? Those wonderful chemicals just seem to take the edge off of it, don’t they? The same issues are there, they just have less power.
Yeah for better living through chemistry!
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Rachel,
I hope that Zoloft works well for you. I was placed on when my battle over breastfeeding (today’s blog!) had them convinced I was postpartum. Anyway, it eventually made me suicidal, and the same happened with a friend of mine.
All of our brains are completely different, but just watch for the signs, zoloft is so scary to me now.
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Melissa,
It’s true what you say: some of the newer anti-depressants can have the opposite of their intended effect. So I’m keeping a watchful eye. Thus far, though, my experience has been very good.
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5-HTP, L-Tryptophan and GABA are food supplements that are very helpful in easing up Anxiety and Depression.
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I’m glad that Zoloft seems to be helping you. My mother was put on it for depression many years ago, and it made her feel awful. The doctors wouldn’t believe her though, and kept her on it for months and months before finally agreeing to try something else. Anyway, as had already been said by others, everyone is different, and if it’s working for you, great!
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I think when starting any anti-depressant, it’s a good idea to ask outside observers, (spouse/friend) to observe you for changes . I was on Zoloft for a few years…up to 200 mg before I stopped feeling depressed but it wasn’t until I went off it that I realized I wasn’t feeling anything . It Zombified me but only once I was off did I realized what I was missing…(any feeling at all) .
Changing the kind of anti-depressant you take can help jump start the system, so I hope it does work for you, but just let others know to watch for any major changes in your behavior . I recently doubled my Effexor 75 to 150 and am not only more exhausted then ever, (always felt tired), but I think I’m more depressed . Do think it helped me quit smoking though, so perhaps it was worth it .
Wishing you luck, it sure does feel good to have a vacation from feeling bad .
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Taylor Selseth October 27th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I started taking another SSRI, Paxil, when I was 16 and it was like night and day. Decreased my OCD behavior and completely stopped my panic attacks.
I’ve taken Ritalin in some form or another since I was 6 (When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I didn’t get my AS diagnosed until I was 15, and when I was 6 AS didn’t exist as a diagnosis until 2 years later, in 1994) and it has helped with my sensory issues and executive dysfunction TREMENDOUSLY. I would suggest talking to your psych about the possibility of trying Ritalin and see if it helps you, Rachel.
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Taylor, you’re the second person I’ve heard from who has seen a big improvement in sensory issues when taking Ritalin. I’ve resisted discussing it with my therapist because, as much as I’d like to reduce my auditory sensory issues to manageable levels, I don’t want to blunt the acuity of my visual sense, which I highly value. In any case, I’m going to talk it over when I see the shrink again on November 6–after I get done singing the praises of Zoloft.
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Hey Rachel, i have a simple question for you. I am an aspie also and i too have mild depression issues and horrible anxiety. Is that part of Aspergers syndrome?
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Oh and one other thing i forgot to mention is that i agree entriely with you on your last point. I have extremely sensitive and good hearing, as well as wonderfully strong smell senses, and i like it. I take pride in my nearly super-human hearing, and i love to overhear things people wisper, and then suprise them when i know exactly what they said. I would not take anything that would dull my senses.
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Anxiety and depression are not part of Asperger’s per se, but they are co-morbid conditions–that is, conditions that seem to come along for the ride most of the time.
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oh ok that actually makes a lot of sense considering that a few of my friends are taking medication for anxiety and depression and all of them have aspergers as well.
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Oh also, i myself am taking Zoloft and it is working wonderfully. I understand exactly why you love it so much.
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My Memoir
“What Rachel has written, few others would be able to....An enlightening journey."—Jon Gilbert, author of Same Child, Different Day
"The Uncharted Path is an autism autobiography unlike any I’ve ever read.....I’d recommend The Uncharted Path to anyone on the spectrum, to anyone who has friends or relatives on the spectrum, and to anyone who cares for people on the spectrum. Her book is written straight from the heart.” —Gavin Bollard, author of Life with Asperger’s
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Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
rachel@journeyswithautism.com
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