When I posted a picture of my first quilted piece, a couple of you mentioned how much purple I’d used. Unbeknownst to y’all, I have a teensy-weensy issue with purple. Up to now, I’d imagined that I had this itty-bitty problem quite under control, but after reading the comments about my art, it’s clear that I don’t. Much as I try to avoid the color, it pops up of its own accord.
Okay, so what’s the problem? Two words: my mother. The woman loved purple. She was nuts about it. From the time I was seven years old, our house had plush wall-to-wall purple carpeting on both floors, and going up the stairs, too. The only rooms without purple carpeting were the bedrooms. Everywhere else, it was purple, purple, and then more purple. From 1965 on, long before other people were adorning their middle-class suburban domiciles with purple, my mother blazed her own trail and went for it.
What’s worse, in 1972, my mother got me a purple blouse that was the most uncomfortable piece of clothing ever known to humankind. It was made of that puckered material—maybe some of you are old enough to remember it?—and it was tight. It was worse than spandex. I don’t know how I kept from screaming and ripping it to shreds. I even have a class picture in which I’m wearing it. (I don’t look happy.)
So, here’s the deal: In the house in which I was raised, if something belonged to my mother, it belonged to no one else. Sharing was not her strong suit. If she were grieving the loss of a loved one, all the grief had to be hers. No one else could cry. No one else could express any emotion. No one else could talk about it. If anyone tried, my mother pulled rank and talked about how it was all about her grief. I didn’t grieve my maternal grandparents, who were as kind to me as my mother was cruel, for 30 years. I just wasn’t allowed to.
And yes, my mother was cruel. It wasn’t her fault. Something inside her was wired wrong, and even if she’d been willing to change, it might not have been possible. As it was, she was most decidedly not willing to change. In fact, as far as she was concerned, everyone else was always wrong, and she was always right.
Enter this sensitive, visually inclined Aspie. I’ve heard it said that not only do autistic people feel things acutely, but we also remember events and their associated feelings quite intensely, and for a very long time. I am no exception. For me, the visual world is saturated with emotion. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am. So, the color purple is saturated with my memories of my mother. And some of those memories center on the idea that purple belongs to her, and not to me. I can’t have it, even though I love it.
It makes me want to cry with frustration. I feel like I’m in a vise and can’t get myself free of it.
Do any of you have experience with a similar issue? Have any of you managed to wring out the associations and replace them with your own? I’m quite interested in how other people handle situations like this one.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
Sorry if I was one of those who triggered something. I’m not sure that I have any words of wisdom to impart, but I hope you can work through this one (I have confidence you will, God willing), because I love purple so much I want everyone to share it!
I’m not sure if this is an aspie thing or not. There are some things I felt all my life that I cannot have, even though others have them and I would like them too. It’s hard to put into words. It’s a bit like “all the other kids have it but you can’t; all the kids can play but not you”, and if I ever start to try to voice a need or a wish or a (heaven forfend!) want, I get my hands slapped and “it’s not for *you*”. I don’t know if it’s because I’m the youngest sibling, the only girl, the weird kid that was ostracized and scapegoated even when she tried to play by the rules (that made very little sense…). Sometimes I find myself in situations where when I see a pattern developing that has been painful in the past [such as being the only one who doesn't speak a given language (happens often in the multiculti community where I live, and in the past I was made to mix with people who would cut me out repeatedly even though they also spoke a language I speak), or being the largest person in the room (weight issues), or whatever], I freak out inside and think “oh sugar, honey, iced tea, here we go again, let me OUT!” Sometimes it’s some silly physical/worldly thing, like never having lived in a house with a garage (I live in North America, car capital of the world, in a city that was built for the car – blah), or a notion that people like me [whatever that means] don’t read books like x or listen to music like y. Sometimes it’s things like not being able to face a big community party that “everyone” else is going to, and when I find a valid reason not to go, I feel kind of relieved, but then I see how most of my friends went and they say they dislike the things I dislike (rowdy kids, bolshie elders…) but they can all do it and I can’t…
I *think* I am slowly beginning to think and say, this is me, and this is what I need or even (gasp) want, but it is very, very slow. I have a lot of thinking, and maybe writing, to do. maybe even talking if i can find the right person to bounce my ideas off.
I think we talked about that before? — and there’s much to be gained and enjoyed, if we can just free ourselves of some of this stuff, eh?
come to think of it, there are things my mom always held back from me, probably thinking that it would “protect” me somehow (like not letting me see my grandma after she had passed away). I’ve been telling her for a long time that i’m a big girl now. time for me to really believe it for myself?
i hope you can work it out with the purple and everything else. we only get one life, after all –sorry, I can’t accept the reincarnation thing
Misfit, don’t be sorry! You and Ben helped me bring the issue out into the open, and I really appreciate it.
Well, wow. My mother also loves the color purple and because of that fact, I have a very strong aversion to it. Only in recent years have I allowed it to creep into my home. My daughter LOVES pink and purple, so I would never deny her of it or let her have any clue that I have a negative psychological association to the color. I’ve been trying to dissociate emotions from objects and things, and view them for what they are – not the emotions that they can bring up for me. Slowly, it is working. I say major kudos to you for reclaiming purple.
Thanks, Rachel. And, um, did you notice the colour of the automatic wordpress icon thingy you got next to your answer?
My father’s mother was really into purple (and her sister surrounded herself with blue).
I went through a phase of pink & purple (clothing, mostly) in junior high, as was the fashion (1980′s).
The purple issue and the parental issue are separate ones for me. However, there are plenty of things I find remind me of my mother-in ways I don’t necessarily wish to be. There are also oodles of objects or features that trigger strongly negative reactions in me (not just with reference to her, but a variety of painful experiences incl. with my “peers”).
What I have to do is take the thing itself, apart from her, and evaluate whether I actually like or dislike something. No, I’m not very good at having emotional equanimity that matches my intellectual big talk-so I’m not claiming to have this all figured out.
For instance, hairstyle: I always wondered why my mother had short hair. I wished it were longer, but now that I’m older I find myself cutting my hair a lot. Visually, I prefer the look of long hair-but it’s only now that I realize how hair changes with age, and (in my case) becomes unkempt/unmanageable, partly due to the increasing proportion of white hair (which behaves differently than hair that retains its pigmentation).
So I keep trimming it shorter & shorter, while having the unhappy thought of how much my hairstyle resembles that of my mother.
She had bangs, too-as do I. Yet, I try to hold onto the idea that this is my decision, I like how it looks on me, even though it gives me the creeps because of how similar this is to how she did her own hair (during my childhood).
From another perspective, one might say it’s about “re-purposing” or shifting the context of something, keeping what works and not tossing it all out solely because it has associations with a disfavored person. Y’know, the whole “if I go along with-or out of hand reject-this, then so & so wins by manipulating my choices”. Either way, one’s following another-or reacting in opposition to-when one would much rather arrive at a “freely selected” option (along whichever continuum).
“Baggage” is unavoidable, and some things are best discarded if they cannot be resurrected with new, better, connective material. Though there’s something to be said for having the difficult thing right out there in the open, if that might help make the thing less sensitive.
If I had something against purple, and I refrained from using it in my home decor or outfits, then I might become even more sensitized to it solely by the obviousness of its absence. My brain might (involuntarily) fill in the blank (of what’s missing), whereas if I used purple to some degree, it’s power might be diminished by its ordinariness.
It’s a judgment call for each person to make (how to deal with the feared thing/property/quality), depending on his/her personal particulars.
Rescuing purple from the grips of outdated connections could be useful for you, if you consider that possibility might work in your case/situation. I’m familiar with the problem of “X relates/leads to Y” (in my memory banks), and I want/need “X without Y”.
I don’t think there’s a way to eradicate/erase the “Y” (in isolation), so I try finding more other things I can attach to “X”, to take up that mental space (and create/develop a new pairing of items in my mind). I’m not saying it is definitely doable, merely that it may (or may not) be applicable/valid.
A trivial example is that I take print ads, cut out pieces of them & turn those into collages which then say what I want & how I want (instead of the ad remaining a “tool of oppressive forces” putting messages in my head that I don’t wish to receive).
And I recognize I’m probably just restating your post in my comment.
Purple is my favorite color. Remember “Harold & His Purple Crayon?”
John, I *love* Harold and the Purple Crayon! I still have a copy from Ash’s childhood, too. We used have such a great time reading that book together.
So there’s a new association for purple right there: all those fun times reading that book!
Plus, you and Misfit like purple, and Belfast used to like pink and purple, and Stat Mama’s daughter likes pink and purple now. So suddenly, my mother is not the only person who ever walked the earth with a preference for purple! All you really nice people like the color, too.
I think I may be finding a way through this impasse…
after readings Belfast’s post, and thinking of how many people mentioned purple+pink (an combo that carries negative connotations for me in some ways having to do with social exclusion in elementary school – don’t ask!), maybe it would be helpful to use purple in conjunction with other colours? purple+pink is so well known as to be almost stereotypical, whereas pairing purple with turquoise or teal or some shades of green might be a refreshing change.
@ Belfast – I never knew before about white hairs behaving differently! Haven’t had to deal with this issue yet, seems women in my family don’t go grey or white until a relatively later stage. I agree, long hair can look lovely. On other people, lol.
I love, love, love purple and teal! I’ve always loved that combination, and I found out in graduate school that they were suffragette colors. Kinda cool.
I didn’t realize that the idea was to suggest alternate mental content specifically for “purple”-but I can do that, too.
The Color Purple-it’s a movie with Whoopi & Oprah, book written by Alice Walker, directed by Steven Spielberg.
Purple as a color, give it a different name: Eggplant. That calls to mind vegetables.
Pale purples: Lavender is also an essential fragrant oil, Lilac is also a delightful flower.
There’s the novelty ditty (from a few decades back) about “the one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple-people-eater”, though I don’t actually understand what it means.
There’s the rhyme (for kids) about “I’ve never seen a purple cow…” which ends with “I’d rather see than be one”.
Purple is considered a sign of royalty, it’s also the color many people who are into “magic” (however you wish to define that) wear & choose for their special objects.
Purple, green, and orange are the secondary spots on the color wheel (between the primaries red, yellow, and blue).
Suppose I could go on listing such things, but I just figured you knew all these tidbits already, and they wouldn’t matter (be useful for your situation) anyway…
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Please pardon my tangents.
Re: Purple & Pink, well, pink + green were a big “preppy” combo. back then-I suppose that was modified to purple + pink for some people ?
Re: Color associations for particular individuals: When I’ve known folks who only wore a very narrow range of colors, then those are bound in my head as connected with them. My father stuck with black, shades of tan/khaki/beige, and the spectrum from pale to dark blue-that was all (never saw him in any other colors).
Re: Aging hair behavior: My info. is purely anecdotal, merely my experience & interpretation (maybe I’m an exception ?). White hairs don’t lay flat (with the rest of my hair which still has color), it’s wiry-”scraggly” & “flyaway”-poking up & out at the most peculiar angles. This incorrigibility (snarls & messy appearance) defeats my attempts to have long hair (and wasn’t something I had anticipated/expected).
Belfast, I thoroughly enjoyed your tangents
Purple tidbits are always welcome. There used to be a shop in RI or thereabouts that sold ONLY purple items (decor, clothing etc). I;ve never been there but family friends who live there told me about it. Don’t know if it is still there.
On an interfaith note, I believe purple is a sacerdotal colour for Catholics? Someone told me that sometime, someplace…
I don’t know about pink+green being a preppy colour. I do remember hearing about one of the colleges in London (England) where there was a campaign to make the school mascot an 8 foot tall, dayglo green and pink hermaphrodite woodlouse, and the faculty having to intervene when the motion was passed by due democratic process in the student union… A possibly apocryphal tale from the early 80s.
OK, now we have really hijacked the thread. Sorry, Rachel!
Now I’m off to make a nuisance of myself quizzing friends with white hairs about the (mis)behaviour of same…
i had no idea what i had done
i always notice colours of things (hello? special interest), so it was the thing i was first drawn to, that i could comment on. i don’t think most photos do justice to textile, much less sculpture-like textiles, so for me, these projects are just a pleasant mass of colours. trust me, it’s a compliment.
ok, since we’re now on the topic, my purple anecdotes:
i saw the colour purple when i was fifteen, an unusual movie for most fifteen year old boys. on the way home, i made my dad stop at the local grocery store, and picked up a copy of the book. it was a school night, i stayed up until i was finished the book, and it had a remarkable effect on my development.
the periwinkle colour of the sky sometimes, as the sun goes down, and the sky turns kind of pearlescent. one of my favourite experience-colours.
but my favourite colour has always been, and maybe always will be, orange. though i can’t wear it.
orange was my favourite when I was a little kid! I still like it, when I am in the right mood. There was a fashion a few years ago for deep orange hues on walls, I was never quite brave enough to try it myself… Not sure if I could wear it, I usually wear quite “serious” colours (blues, blacks, browns… and purple. I am serious about purple)