Comments on: Take-A-Chance Airlines: Fly with Us! It’s a Family Business!

By: Stat Mama

Stat Mama — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 10:09:32 +0000

Wow, can I relate to this.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:35:45 +0000

Thanks, Jennifer G! Your last line made my day.

By: Jennifer Gardner

Jennifer Gardner — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 02:50:27 +0000

My understanding is that Ralph was trying to answer you but didn’t quite know what to say. Ralph was trying to be being polite. I talked at length with the husband and he, as an Aspie, summed it up as “Go f**k yourself”. He’s right. I can beat around the bush as us NT’s are famous for but I would be lying if I said he was wrong. I just don’t believe that Ralph was trying to be as harsh as “go f**k yourself sounds. As the hubby summed it up, Ralph’s actions were more of a “stop e-mailing me” in response to your inquiries. Since Ralph doesn’t understand the nature of an Aspie, she had no idea she had made a promise that she wasn’t keeping. I’ll bet she kept wondering why you continued to e-mail her saying the same thing. Us NT’s are the worst. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I totally understand your frustration. By no means am I making judgement in favor of Ralph. I am just confident that there was miscommunication.
I will confidently conclude that the problem as I perceive it is that your family has failed to try and understand you. If they had tried with no success, then I am ok with the idea of parting ways. The mere fact that they just choose to not associate with you is unfair.
P.S. trying to understand an NT is not to your benefit. We never make any f’ing sense. =)

By: Rachel

Rachel — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 00:07:21 +0000

Would someone who speaks NT please elucidate the meaning of an email that consists of the single word “Enjoy”? In my family of origin, a one-word email like that generally means “Go f**k yourself.” When I asked Bob (who comes from a very loving family) for his reaction to “Enjoy,” he said, “That’s insanity.” I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he’s made that judgment of a situation in all the years I’ve known him. He generally gives people the benefit of the doubt long after I’ve rolled my eyes so many times I’m dizzy.

By: Jennifer Gardner

Jennifer Gardner — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 20:56:34 +0000

I have to say I absolutely agree with Holly. You can’t beat around the bush. I know you want to be polite but Aspies are awkward with subtleness and for you to try to be subtle is even more awkward. Be who you are and that is blunt and matter of fact. It is how you tick. Being blunt appears natural and sincere for you.
I knew the minute I read this statement: “Did you notice the part where Ralph says she will forward more pictures when she hears from me?”. I was sure even before I read the rest of the post that things were about to go downhill. Us NT’s unfortunately are “f’d” up and do stupid things. We say things we don’t mean and we use words and body language that make no sense from a literal standpoint. Rachel, I know exactly what Ralph was saying in that message but you did nothing wrong by having an expectation that new photos would arrive. Technically, that is what should have happened. I am sure Ralph there was probably no underlying intent on her part.

As an NT, I had to giggle just a little because of the beautiful innocence that Aspies have. Your desire for truth & sincerity is so heartwarming. I can’t help but hug my husband when he struggles with the same issues. You can see in his face an innocence and desire to understand.

I am striving to find a way to bridge the communication gap . . . and I pray one day I will.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:59:16 +0000

Rachel, I will pray for you. You are a good person, a good mum and a good wife.
These people are the most important people in your world, you have a responsibility to them, and you honour that responsibility. Most people wouldn’t home-school their children, for example, because they need more ‘time for themselves.” But you are giving, nourishing, listening, caring.

Those people at the airlines had a responsibility to treat you with loving kindness but they didn’t (enough). They did the opposite.

I read about a Rabbi from an organisation called EJF. It really shocked me. It would have been hard to believe had there been no evidence, one might of thought it was malicious gossip instead of the truth. I believe you. I don’t know if that’s any consolation. Family is complicated. You see so much of that in the Torah- complicated family. It’s no different with us. You are like an Avraham or Yaacov, who leaves the family home and starts anew. And yet that doesn’t stop complications happening further down the line.

I grew up without grandparents,uncles or cousins in the same country. What I didn’t have, I don’t really miss.
I grew up in London, where you can walk the streets quite anonymously. People don’t know or speak to their own neighbours. Families can be helpful, but they can also be very intrusive, dictating and judgemental. I see that with my in laws, and I consider it a blessing that we don’t live near them.

By: misfit

misfit — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 18:58:26 +0000

very clever piece, you are truly talented! I can identify with the fractured family thing too. Lost my dad’s entire side when my parents got divorced, it was like they threw us kids out too, for reasons that were absolutely not our fault. My mum has cousins but I always felt a bit kept-at-arm’s-length there. Kind of sad. But I try to make sure my kids know their kin are their kin, at least.

By: Kerrilynn

Kerrilynn — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 04:25:59 +0000

Hi Rachel,

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this crap. I can relate so well. For most of my life, I did not know my fathers side of the family. It was mostly my choice. I made that choice when I was 11. I was tired of disappointment. It also left me with a horrible feeling of abandonment. I have a whole other family that I barely know. I have been getting to know a few cousins more, but it’s slow going. I don’t trust so easily.

Take care of yourself,
Kerrilynn

By: Holly

Holly — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:23:28 +0000

Oh, my friend Rachel, so much to chew on here, don’t know where to start. First off, not everyone leaves their childhood unscathed. My parent had a terrible childhood full of abuse and that didn’t make them very good parents either. I think the expression, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, comes to mind.

Also, as for your family member, in my opinion, you should have just come out and asked for the additional pictures that he mentioned, instead of just assuming that he got it. Sometimes people forget what they promise, or promise things that they can’t deliver. Unfortunate human behavior. I’ve seen this happen one too many times. It’s crazy and you are certainly not at any fault.

Your story was beautifully written, thanks for sharing with us.

Happy New Year to you and your family

By: Saja

Saja — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 09:44:46 +0000

Rachel, I am, once again, so, so sorry about your childhood. But I am so glad you write about the insanity that is your adult interaction with your family. It reminds me a lot of the insanity that is interacting with my family, and it really helps me not to waver when I start wondering if, after all, it is something about *me* that makes it all so screwed up. (After all, I’m autistic! I must have been a difficult child in some way (even if I remember being a quiet, easy one)! I must have screwed things up YET AGAIN by saying something autistically thoughtless that hurt someone else (though I have spent my whole life being careful not to offend)! I must be cold and distant (even though I feel empathic and friendly, to the point it nearly kills me)!)

No, no, no; it isn’t me, and it isn’t you. As bizarre and incredibly sad as it is, there are really effed up people out there, whose concept of communication and loyalty and everything else is completely alien to us, and some of those effed up people are our families. Sigh.