After reading the kind and strengthening responses to my last post, and discussing the matter thoroughly with my very wonderful husband, I made the wise decision to get off the family airplane. Although I detest heights, I summoned up the courage to pry open the emergency exit, jump into the air, pull the ripcord on my multicolored parachute, and drift slowly back to Earth.
I also sent the following email to my cousin Ralph, just to let her know that I had landed safely:
Hi Ralph,
I see that the family lie has reached your door. Mazel tov. Enjoy.
Rachel
The view from the plane was spectacular, but I am very glad to have my feet back on solid ground.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
Hello Rachel, I have just read this entry.
I read the earlier ones first.
If Ralph has any decency she will write for an explanation. I know that I would.
Why should someone believe lashon hara about someone whom they have never met?
What about giving someone a benefit of the doubt?
Most people avoid confrontation, so don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen. But somewhere in my optimistic soul I do hope that you’ll get a proper reply.
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for bringing up the issue of lashon hara (slander), because that is precisely the problem here. When I broke contact with my parents, not one family member ever contacted me to ask me what was happening–not my brother, not my aunts, not my uncles, and not my cousins. It’s mind-bending that family members who had known me all my life to be a decent, kind, honest, loving person would simply believe what my parents said about me and shun me. But in family systems in which there is abuse, it’s quite common for people to close ranks and reject the abused party in order to maintain their illusions about the family–and also as a way of trying to punish the person for having the temerity to stand up and fight.
Maybe in some way, this is also about trying to bully an autistic person. I watched my grandparents bully my Aspie father every chance they got, and he just took it, as though he had no choice in the matter. If, in fact, this is about trying to bully me because I’m the next-generation Aspie, they sure picked the wrong person.
That is weird. That not one person asked for your side of the story. They believed your parents because those people thought “why would a parent lie about their own kid?”
Rachel, there might be someone who doubts your parents story. I say this because I have come across situations where people are bad-mouthing someone else. I don’t defend that person becuase I don;t know the facts (for sure.) But, in my mind, I do think “I’ve always had a good impression about that person.”
Maybe there are people who think the same about you, but didn’t have enough of a connection with you that they could phone you. Also, one of my friends received a letter from her husbands lawyer telling her that he wants a divorce. I just won’t ask about it, because I don’t want to pry.
I think that they are closing ranks, because they are thinking of the scandal rather than the injured person.
I will never understand how people can do that- maintain the facade of a happy family when no-one’s really happy. It sometimes takes more emotional energy to preserve the lie, than accept the truth and reach for real happiness. You reached for real happiness- Well done!
I read my reply, and it’s emerged a bit muddled. Sort of streams of consciousness. Sorry.
I think that family who were close to you could have given you the benefit of the doubt, by keeping in touch with you. But there might be ones who do believe you, were never close to you to begin with, but are apathetic; they have busy lives and your presence at any family get-togethers they host would just make things awkward.
I’m glad that you made your decision- if they are not kind as kin should be, then they won’t count anymore.
I wasn’t looking to be invited over for family dinners. Some civility, some kindness, and some promises kept would have done me just fine.
Come to think of it, I have an uncle who might believe me–at least, he seemed to when we were in contact, but I have the sense that with the rest of the family united behind the lie, he has very possibly slipped back into denial. In any case, he said that no matter what my parents did, I had no right to leave them behind. My constant reminders that I broke contact in order to save my life seemed to have no impact on him at all.
He also said that, whatever happened, it was too late for us to have any kind of relationship. As far as I’m concerned, while you still have a pulse, it’s never too late, but he was quite nasty to me when we last communicated, so he pretty much fell out of the running as someone I wanted to reconnect with anyway.
My husband is a child with divorced parents. When he was 9 he made a decision to keep two worlds apart. He succesfully managed to not mention the ex-partner to both parents. When we got married he had to make a choice which parent to invite, because he just wanted to avoid the tension. He told each partner “you chose to divorce, so you have to accept the consequences.”
I think it was wrong that your uncle wants you to accept all the consequences. You have a right to avoid people who make you miserable. Your parents chose to behave the way they did. You have my respect for how you’ve handled things.
Rachel, good for you! I love your e-mail to Ralph.
Thanks, Saja. My email to Ralph felt so right. Even Bob, who tends to want to soften my Aspie directness, said my words were entirely appropriate to the situation.
I have so much to say that I can’t begin to cover it here. In short, I am sorry you’re going through this and I truly do understand. It is unfortunate that things have to be as they are.