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Jan27
On a Downward Slide
17 CommentsI’m feeling very depressed. I was very “up” after my trip to New York City, and I seem to be in a slide now. I’m very teary and feeling very isolated.
My daughter is in two plays at school, her very first ones, and I won’t be able to go. It will be crowded and noisy before and after, and I will get seriously overloaded just being there. So, I talked to her, and she seemed fine with it. I offered her support around the play, like helping her practice her lines. She suggested that I contact her principal and arrange to get a DVD of the performances, which I’ve done. But I feel really sad about what I can’t do.
Then, yesterday, my ASL tutor was supposed to come over, but she forgot. We had changed the day from Monday to Tuesday this week, because she had a teachers’ meeting on Monday. So, since the schedule had changed, she got involved in other things and our session slipped her mind. I know that it wasn’t personal. I know that. It’s just that in order to see her—in order to see anyone—I basically have to orient my entire day around pacing myself, not doing too much, conserving my energy, and getting ready to interact. When she didn’t show up at 4:30, I was like a little kid, looking out the window every 10 minutes, wondering where she was. It was like my whole day was wasted. She sent me a really apologetic note this morning, and I’m not angry at her. I’m just sad.
I’ve begun feeling that perhaps I need to find a part-time job, just to have a routine and a context outside of myself. I contacted a counselor at VocRehab Vermont, a Vermont state agency that helps put disabled people to work. The counselor’s name is Will. He’s the Deaf counselor I emailed several months ago regarding strategies for navigating the hearing world. I’ve got an appointment to meet with him next Friday. Here’s the email I sent him this morning:
Hi Will,
Next Friday would be fine. Please send directions to your office. It would also help me if we could communicate in a quiet room. If there is too much background noise, I won’t be able to hear your interpreter’s voice or think clearly.
Here is a short list of my disabilities/challenges:
Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism)
Sensory Processing Disorder (of the sensory over-responsivity type, mainly affecting moving visuals and sound)
Mild dyspraxia with fine motor tasks, moderate dyspraxia with gross motor tasks (Dyspraxia is a difficulty in sequencing novel tasks.)
PTSD, anxiety, and depression (all managed by medication)And here is a list of what I’m good at:
Focusing on the task at hand
Organizing just about anything
Discerning and creating patterns
Doing strenuous physical work
Writing and editing
Creating art
Being honest and directI’d like to find work in the non-profit, social-service sector. Most of my employment has been in front of computers in corporate environments, and I don’t want to work in front of a computer or go back to the business world again.
All the best,
RachelI don’t know what he’ll be able to help me do. I’m seesawing between my fear that he won’t think I’m really disabled, and my fear that he’ll think I’m too disabled to work at all.
I seriously need to get some support for being out in the world again. I don’t know what I’m suited to do anymore. My level of confidence is at an all-time low, and no matter how many times I tell myself that I’m a good, intelligent person, it doesn’t seem to matter. I just want to cry.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
17 Responses to “On a Downward Slide”
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Being bi-polar I’m all too familiar with anxiety, depression and these highs and lows we experience. I won’t pry too much into your medication, but I was wondering if a mood stabilizer was part of the work up. I take lamictal as mine, which, oddly enough, is a drug that’s showing great sucess in people with ASD (when prescribed for seizures). It also has a wonderful side-effect of clearing the mind, very useful when the fog of depression starts to cloud us.
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Melissa, thanks so much for your feedback. My next appointment with the guy who manages my meds is in late February, but I’m seeing my regular therapist on Friday, so I will mention the mood stabilizer to him then. Perhaps the two docs can confer and come up with something.
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Hang in there, Rachel. There are a bunch of us on your side.
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You are not alone, we “get” you! Thank you for sharing your feelings. You are a strong woman to walk this walk and sometimes you say just what I am experiencing. Gracias. When I get this way my art takes me to the healing place maybe you could just play with it and let the magic happen. Sending you good vibes.
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Jennifer Gardner January 28th, 2010 at 10:34 am
You are going to be just fine Rachel. You have to be kindred spirits with my husband because your emotions and moods are timed almost indentical to his (we are at a low moment as well). Aspies thrive on routine, patterns, plan and schedules. You have to have something to do. I am proud of you for taking the steps to get out and volunteer or work part time. Since my husband graduated from college and is job searching, his sensory issues have been on overload. He has difficulty making a quick stop at the grocery. He was able to cope much easier with the outside world when he was involved on a day to day basis. Just try to keep in perspective that the way you feel right now will pass. Good days will come again. On the bad days, surround yourself in comfort items and just get through it the way you know how.
I am extending you a very big virtual bear hug and some warm chocolate chip cookies (it seems to work for Jason). Much love -
gosh, i know that ‘looking out the window like a puppy’ feeling.
i’m in much the same place, feeling down about my place in the world, making a contribution to my family and feeling like what i do is good and necessary (artist).
i’m sorry you’re feeling this way, all i can say for both of us is, eventually, we’ll snap out of it.
much love -
That feeling of getting all mentally prepared for someone to show up and then having them NOT show up can be quite jarring. The whole experience really disturbs your routine, doesn’t it?
I completely understand how it feels to be caught in this downward spiral.
But you’re really taking a positive step by reaching out to the agency and contacting them for help! Way to go! What you need to hear, want to hear, is that there is something he can do for you and I’m confident he’ll be able to do that for you. Hang in there.
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suebeedee January 28th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Sorry you are in pain right now.Often when I get overwhelmed by my emotions, sensitive systems and just crappy life disappointments, I have to force myself to not do anything not try to solve it not make a plan. I remember once a friend had said “ya know what I admire about you……even when things really are quite bad you have a plan.” Well come to find out for me that isn’t so healthy it’s just avoidant and wretched trickery. I think I have some control and I NEED control. If I plan it all to death this crapfest inside my heart will have to just shut up. I am learning that for me it is better to be in real time, ground and comfort and yes feel the pain and grieve. Often when I can pull this off I do feel better quicker less terrified and anxious and worried my life is slipping away. I am reminded my life is this moment. I really understand your heart break over A’s play. You are a great mom and it must really hurt to miss this.
Maybe what you need to do is just have a long cry over that maybe that will really help. My rule is no plan until I’m feeling settled again. Try just feeling upset about missing out on some of A’s play and put the rest of the feelings about why you are missing out aside. Fall into it, fall into your family it will all come around. Many warm hugs your way. -
bluedancer January 29th, 2010 at 12:59 am
i just wanted to thank you for this post and all your blog posts. i see my own struggles in them time and time again. when i read them, i see strength in what you say and do, and i feel a little more hopeful that i can face tha that obstacle also.
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John Dale Lyons January 29th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so I can relate (in addition to Aspergers and ADD). Hang in there. Things will get better soon. Much love, from your friend.
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eaucoin January 29th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
If you need to grieve and are finding it hard to let it out, you could rent a sad movie. I recommend Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepurn. Then you can have a good cry without feeling self-indulgent. That sometimes works for me. It might help you to get through the sad feelings. Also, look how many friends you have.
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Johanna January 29th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Loads of virtual hugs and hopefully you find a job you like. And best luck to your daughter with the plays!
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Sorry to hear you’ve hit another bump in the road. But I’m happy to know that you’re working things out to give something and get something out of your daughter’s theatrical debut – you’re helping her with her lines, and with the DVD you’ll be able to see how it goes without having to go through all the sensory distress.
I hope the job-seeking goes well too – please keep us posted on that
I think you should add this website to your portfolio, and add research to your skills because this website shows how much work you put into finding out a lot of info and resources on ASD.
Take care. This too will pass. -
suebeedee January 30th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Hey again,
I was thinking Rachel could you mange the dress rehearsal? You could settle in the back somewhere it should be significantly less stimulating then the play nights. Just a thought. Hope you are doing a bit better. -
Jennifer January 30th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
love and hugs from me too, Rachel!
It’s human to feel sad sometimes- but these times will pass.
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Thanks so much to everybody for your kind and healing words.
I liked Sue’s idea about attending Ash’s dress rehearsals, so I suggested it to Ash, but…no go. When the students do the actual performance, she said, the lights are on them, so they can’t see anyone in the audience. For the dress rehearsal, though, she’d see me there, and it would make her feel self-conscious and nervous. I also suspect that she doesn’t want to be the only one whose mom shows up for the dress rehearsal. It’s not that she’s embarrassed by my being autistic; far from it. It’s that she’d feel embarrassed that her mom was there at all.
I understand. I was a teenager, too, once upon a time
So, I’m going to make sure that someone makes a DVD of both performances, and then we can watch them as a family.
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Jennifer Gardner January 31st, 2010 at 4:37 pm
What a beautiful conundrum. . . When your daughter is older, she will remember this as one of the most poignant moments of her life. She is truly loved.
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