A few weeks back, I had a conversation with my neuro-typical therapist about the mysteries of neuro-typical socializing. Specifically, I was talking about strategies that Bob and I had been discussing regarding how to handle running into (no, not literally) people we know. For instance, every time that Bob and I have gone to the movies and run into folks we know, they have always tended to utter, in tones of apparent warmth and sincerity, words along the following lines:
“How ARE you? It’s so wonderful to SEE you! We should get together some time! We really miss you guys so much. You guys are so great. Good to see you!” And every time such an event occurs, my poor little Aspie brain believes every single word, even though nothing ever comes of any of these words. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I truly fear these moments, because my poor brain can’t help but take the words literally, which means my heart can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy, which means that I get all hopeful and happy, which means that I just get fooled again.
So, having described the gauntlet I have to run between getting my popcorn and finding my seat in the movie theatre, I said to my therapist: “What’s up with this? Why do people say these things and then not follow through?”
And he answered, quite matter-of-factly, “Well, people are open and engaging when you run into them, and they say all of these words, and everyone in the situation knows that the words don’t mean anything.” To him, it was so simple. He didn’t seem bothered or perplexed by this social ritual in the least. In fact, he described the situation in the same tone you might use to describe how to start a car.
I just about jumped out of my chair at the absurdity of it all. For a moment, I forgot that he was the all-knowledgeable professional and I was the socially inept Aspie. (It happens. Often.) So, instead of pondering his words thoughtfully, I launched into the following mini-diatribe:
“How the HELL can you people live like this? Do you think you have an unlimited amount of TIME on this planet? Do you not realize that life is too SHORT to fill it by talking all sorts of GARBAGE that you don’t really MEAN? I’m sorry to have to say this, but I am SO not the one with the problem here.”
He took it very well—by which I mean that he maintained his integrity as a therapist and looked at me in a benign and accepting manner. And then he said, “Our time is just about up for today,” and he wished me an early good Shabbos as he ushered me out the door.
He really is a very nice person, my therapist. I just don’t understand how he thinks. And he doesn’t understand how I think. It’s pretty interesting to try to translate back and forth across the divide, though.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
“How the HELL can you people live like this? Do you think you have an unlimited amount of TIME on this planet? Do you not realize that life is too SHORT to fill it by talking all sorts of GARBAGE that you don’t really MEAN? I’m sorry to have to say this, but I am SO not the one with the problem here.”
That’s great!! I love it.
You ARE so not the one with the problem! Great piece and again you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head!
am (slightly) anxious. i hope if we have such an exchange—and it’s likely we will
I now do the social ritual, although I chafe at the absurdity, too. In the past, when people asked me how I was, I told them honestly and in detail. Little did I know I was boring them because they didn’t give a sh*t.
I can identify with the above, especially John’s comment. I had to be told how to respond when people ask how I am [i.e., not to tell them how I really was feeling]. I still forget sometimes though… but at least I can now usually recognize that it has rubbed people the wrong way, so I can try to smooth things over.
Dear Rachel,
I love what you said to your therapist and I don’t understand why most aspies always think that their feelings are wrong and that they have to adapt to everybody else. Not you are socially inept, but the social ritual of neurotypical persons is absurd. Why should I ask a person how she is, if I am not interested in hearing what she has to tell me? It is not sufficient that a therapist is just nice. First of all he must do an effort to understand you and he must care of your feelings and not just show you out of the house because time is up.
My therapist does make an effort to understand me, and all therapists will usher you out the door when your 50 minutes are up, so I don’t fault him for that. I’m mainly realizing that there are two separate languages going on in every session–NT language and autistic language. Both seem to make use of English, but the words mean something different much of the time.
The one that gets me, since so much of my communication is online, is “if you’re ever in town, let us know and we’ll get together,” and then I announce I’m coming to town, and I hear nothing. I don’t get that. I only suggest getting together with people I want to get together with, and think others do the same.
I’ve pretty much learned that most of that is meaningless chatter and I try to stay clear of it. I’ll try to direct the conversation to a more concrete subject. Sometimes though people will say things like, “I’d like to come visit you and see your place.” I tell them, “Great. May or October are good times. Not too cold, and not too hot.” They say, “Fine. I’ll call you.” We may even talk about traveling times and what we’ll do when they visit. Guess what? I never hear from them. And if I do hear from them again after many months, the “visit” conversation will repeat and of course I’ll think this time they’ll follow through, which of course they don’t.
I never tell people these sorts of things unless I’m willing to commit to doing it.
I’m supposed to be NT (my son’s an Aspie, and by the way, he’s horrified at the reveal of “Aspie elitism” in some responses to the proposed DSM-V categories, but that’s another story altogether) and I would like to say that I get very upset when my friends SAY they want to get together and then do nothing about it. I think it’s rude, wasting my time, and it’s hypocritical. I often end relationships with people who do that. So there you go. Just shows that not everything in society that seems stupid or hypocritical to Aspies is because of the Asperger’s — a lot of it is because a lot of people are lazy and hypocritical from anyone’s view! AND when I run into a friend and ask them how they are, it’s because I want to know, actually.