Yes, my friends, it’s happened again. I have been rendered invisible. Not by a neuro-typical stranger. Not at the co-op. Not in western Franklin County Massachusetts, the scene of the horror of my collective shunning. Noooooo. I would have expected all that.
No, my friends. I have been rendered invisible by a neuro-typical friend. By a friend with whom I had discussed the whole invisibility thing. By a friend with whom I had discussed the whole “people seeing Bob as a real person and me not as a person at all” thing. By a friend who had read my blog and had made a commitment to getting together once a month, and who had told me that if it didn’t happen once in a while, it was because he was busy with his family and his work, and that I shouldn’t worry, and that we’d work it out and make it happen: his words, not mine.
I know, I know. I’m such an idiot, believing what people say and all that. Like I have a choice.
And the thing is, this is a really nice person. I mean, I may not pick up nonverbals, but my empathic intuition is excellent, and I’ve never gotten any kind of mean, underhanded, not-what-he-seems kind of vibe from this person. He’s just a sweet guy. What could go wrong? So, we got together in December for dinner, and we had a nice time, and he said he was looking forward to more, and then it didn’t work out for January, and the last email I sent was in January, and I hadn’t heard since, but I figured, okay, he’s busy with his family and his work. I let it ride. I was being flexible.
The next thing I know, I get an email from Bob on Friday, in which he forwarded an email from this friend (who I’ll now call Fred). Fred had sent this email only to Bob, inquiring as to whether he might get a grant from our non-profit for a project he’s doing, and whether it might be appropriate to meet just with Bob, or with Bob and me. Did he copy me on this email, or put my name in the salutation, or ask me whether I might want to meet with him, or address it to me in any way, shape, or form? Noooooo. Of course not. And he knows that I am involved in the non-profit because I co-founded it and co-direct it with Bob, and because the last time we gave Fred a grant, he came and talked with both of us together.
I am so done with this shit. So, so done. Every time this happens, I have the illusion that another piece of me has been seared out of my being, and that illusion needs to stop. Now.
So I said, “Time to stand up for myself. No more second chances for anyone who pulls this shit. No more trying to explain it till I’m blue in the face. Time to tell it like it is. For me. Not for Fred, not for Bob, not for God, not for the Man in the Moon, but for me, so that I get to maintain some shred of self-respect.” So I sent Fred the following email:
“Dear Fred,
Bob forwarded your message to me regarding your project. We’ve discussed the matter in detail, and I’m afraid that the answer is no: our organization will not be able to financially support this project, nor any other project you might be planning in the future.
The reason has nothing to do with your project, and everything to do with the fact that you sent your email to Bob rather than addressing it to both of us and sending us each a copy. After everything that Bob and I have gone through–after all the disrespect that people have shown our partnership, after all the discussions that you, Bob, and I have had about it–it was very shocking to me that you would absent me from your initial request. I was especially dismayed by it, given that you had shown a desire to rekindle our friendship, and had expressed a hope that we could meet once a month. My last attempt to set up a meeting with you was in January, and I was giving you the space to be busy with your life, hoping that you would contact me again. I see now that you were not so busy that you could not contact Bob.
I have to say this, straight out: I am a human being. Disabilities or not, I am of equal worth to every other human being on the planet. I have an absolute right to have people respect me, to have people include me, to have people communicate with me in a way that works for me, and to have people take the time to meet me where I am. If people choose not to do so, I will no longer recede into the shadows and apologize for being sensitive, for being disabled, or for being upset. I get to be here, too. As I am.
I more than welcome your continued presence in Bob’s life. I know it means a lot to both of you, and I want it to continue. But if you are now inclined to make any further attempts in my direction–please don’t.
Rachel”
You’ll never guess what happened? Are you ready? I got an email from him. A half hour later. Right after I said, “[I]f you are now inclined to make any further attempts in my direction–please don’t.” What part of that sentence did he not understand? What do I have to do to get some respect from him? Apparently, I have no control over the matter, except to completely absent myself from the situation, which is what I did. I deleted the email unread.
I’m exhausted.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
I was playing my usual ‘put myself in the guy’s head and see if there is a reasonable explanation for his behavior’ analysis then decided that you aren’t interested in that and besides I was failing miserably, so I decided to formally introduce myself. I’ve commented here before but really havn’t divulged anything of myself so I thought maybe you’d like to meet a new friend.
I’m 45 yrs old, female, married 21 years, to the first guy I went out with. Always Christian, recently converted to Greek Orthodox (Orthodox Catholicism is the technical name) because it was where I felt at home, after looking for a spiritual home for many many years.
Making a midlife career change to nursing. I’ve battled major depressive disorder for most of my life, with a side order of dsythymia for most of that time, and a round of PTSD. I believe I may be non verbal learning disordered, or very mild Aspie.
I know, that’s selfdiagnosis so I *don’t* hold firm to that. I take it as ‘I may be’ or (more realistically) ‘I show the traits of’. Not all of them though, and not bad enough to justify testing. But I’ve always known I was different, I had a lot of trouble with social situations and the unwritten rules of them. I was very literal as a child. I had ‘one friend’ syndrome. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I figured out how to deal with someone’s facial expression/body language not matching their words. See, I could read the body language or pick up empathically their emotions; what I couldn’t figure out was why were their words not matching? Why were they denying something that was so obviously true? Took me decades.
So I describe myself as standing with one foot on the spectrum and one foot in the NT world. I embroider, cook (Asian and Indian cuisine my faves), garden, make beaded jewelry and have cats and birds and want to get another dog badly. I also study my ass off for nursing. My goal is psych nurse or ER nurse: I want to be there for the people like us who don’t quite fit the normal spectrum (for many reasons: self harmers, alternative lifestyle, etc — the people who are marginalized by many medical personel). I’d eventually like to be a psych Nurse Practitioner.
I belong to an online mental illness peer support group and that’s where I realized the lack of understanding by ‘normal’ medical personel. There’s a tendency to medicalize anything out of the majority, whether it’s autism, self harm, body modification, BSDM. My belief is it’s a perfectly normal minority, and that a minority is not wrong and does not need correction to the majority norm. I’ll step off my soapbox on that one….I’d be happy to go into more detail if you’re interested.
Please continue with the quilting posts! I don’t quilt, but love looking at them and admire the craftsmanship that goes into a quilt.
So that is me, and I am very glad to have met you.
Hi Bonnie,
I love the way you think. Pleased to meet you!
Same thing happened to me this week. My BFF disappeared for five days, didn’t answer phone, texts, nothing. This after I told her that I can’t be a BFF to someone that doesn’t let me know she is okay (after she’s told me about abuse in her home). She just totally didn’t get it….
She can do whatever she wants, I’m supposed to be “on call” when she wants to take the time to communicate.
We have had ground rules on our relationship since the beginning and now she wanted to change them without notification.
I don’t think so. NTs….go figure
That’s just horrible what he did. I’m sorry that happened to you!
Hi Rachel,
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but have only commented once. I think you’re a very good and interesting writer. I have a different take on what’s going on here. LizzeK8 touched on it. I don’t think this is so much an invisibility issue as it is an aspie rules issue.
I’ve had this sort of thing happen to me many times in my life (I’m 56) and I’ve had blow-ups with people over it and have lost friends or damaged friendships. I’ve found that perhaps 99% of people don’t take rules very seriously.
Fred told you he’d get together with you every month or so and you took this as a commitment, a rule he agreed to follow, then he broke it. This is the kind of rule people don’t take seriously and it’s incredibly frustrating for us. I can remember being hurt by this careless disregard for the rules even as a kid.
I can also understand your frustration and feeling of being ignored when Fred contacted Bob and not you as agreed. I’d be willing to bet that he meant nothing by it, just another optional rule.
I’ve had to make a conscience decision in my life that I have to overlook the constant rule and commitment breaking that so many people casually engage in if I was to hold onto any friends. I follow the rules I set up for myself and follow through on commitments I make to others even if they don’t always reciprocate. Is it fair? No. Do I feel that people let me down and they don’t understand that these things are important to me? Yes. But I don’t have much of any other choice unless I want to be 100% isolated and that’s not a good thing.
I don’t know if it’s possible for you to adopt the attitude that I have in regards to accepting that other people break the rules all the time, but if you can, I’d urge you to give Fred another chance.
Aspies often don’t have a lot of friends so we have to work extra hard to hold onto the ones we do have.
Hi Chuck,
Thanks for your comment. I understand where you’re coming from, and I applaud the fact that you can now stick it out with people who play fast and loose with their words. More power to you!
In this case, it wasn’t so much the not getting together thing that was bothering me, because despite the fact that I was doing my best to give Fred the benefit of the doubt, I’d pretty much figured out that his “once a month” thing was more empty talk and that it wasn’t going to pan out. I mean, the last (and only) time we got together was in December, and it’s now April. I don’t have the energy to chase people anymore, and besides, I’d prefer that the interest in getting together be fairly balanced, as it is with my autistic friend in town. She is quite busy with work, and her relationship, and her own challenges, and we don’t get together on a regular basis, but she always makes the same effort I do, she lets me know what’s happening, and she lets me know in a myriad of ways how much she values my friendship, just as I let her know how much I value hers. That’s what friends do for each other, in my book. I learned that in kindergarten. I guess other people skipped a grade or something.
But what I really object to is being made invisible, and being ignored, while my husband is treated like a Real Human Being. That’s inexcusable in any case, and especially so from someone pleading family and work as the reasons he didn’t have the time to email me in order to meet, and then turns around and emails my husband in order to meet! I just can’t go there anymore.
Rachel, this is a hard post to answer. Because I think Chuck is right (he has chosen the high road and I am convinced that he may have found the only workable solution to what is likely to be a lifelong problem). And to say that it’s not fair could be called a noble understatement. In the same way people will raise their voice to a blind person as if they were deaf, people have their own funny way of dealing with someone who they sense (or know) is not “normal.” That, combined with your natural forthrightness, might make them think that they can never know what to expect from you or what you are capable of: keep in mind that most men (at least those without sisters) don’t understand their wives, or even their mothers (and many men are more comfortable being gently manipulated than openly confronted). What’s more, the rules for friendships between married men and women who are not married to each other are even more complicated than most of the unspoken stuff we miss everyday. Our Aspie differences seem to multiply exponentially rather than just add up in male-female situations. I have been given some advice by my husband about these situations (he keeps it pretty simple): Straight guys can’t be just friends with girls, they want to sleep with a girl or they want some other advantage or they don’t (want to be friends), and if they want to sleep with you, you shouldn’t treat them like a friend. You were insulted by Fred’s dishonesty, but more than likely any attempts at friendship were about the business advantage he might get from you (he will assume that your invitation to friendship means that you are attracted to him–and that there is no harm in greasing the wheel–in doing this he is more flattering himself than insulting you). I would bet that he is completely mystified that his effort to make nice has had the opposite effect to what he intended. Supposing, like me, you had one neurotypical woman friend you could ask about the rules–or the subtext–in these male-female situations. What would happen is that you might ask her about something you don’t understand. And she would probably laugh (not to hurt your feelings, but because she can’t believe you are serious and has the impression that you just sounded cute–like a 12 year old). And you would burn with embarassment and the certainty that she will repeat it to her other friends sometime when you are not around (and they will all laugh). She will not feel she is harming you in any way by doing this (it will be like repeating something cute that one of her children has said). Each time I venture to ask this friend of mine a question about something male-female, I lose a little dignity in doing it. But, if I’m being completely honest, it reminds me of a man I met who I loved like a brother–one of the sweetest people I have ever met. He was Polish and his English was terrible, and his accent and his face and his clothes reminded me of the bad guys in the old television show “Get Smart.” After meeting him, I told my husband, “I like him, I’m just not sure if he’s working for CHAOS or CONTROL. And I remember that I laughed about his cute language mistakes, and I remember how painfully embarrassed he was by the misunderstandings that occurred so naturally as a result of our language barrier. He has gone back to Poland and he has not kept up communications and I believe that I eroded our friendship gradually with these little assaults on his dignity, but I am trying to remember what I have learned: that even people who love us can wound us quite unintentionally and be even more devastated than we are to discover how they have hurt us, and that life is short and nobody knows what anybody else is going through or has been through. I try now to remember that the people who don’t seem quite genuine with me may just be hiding old wounds that are invisible to the naked eye. They could be behaving badly and it might not be about me at all. And then I feel less wounded and it’s easier to laugh at how I “didn’t get it” right away. Today my Aspie daughter and I were laughing about how lately (because of menopause) I am sleeping very poorly. This exaggerates my symptoms, so that this morning I was actually staggering a little bit and biting my own tongue when I tried to eat. We were laughing because, as I told her, “I couldn’t walk OR chew gum!” She takes after me and hates it, but she “got it” and we had a really good laugh at my expense.
New lurker here, parent of an Aspie, and DAAAY-YUM! Good for you! I completely understand what you did and why you did it. I applaud you.
But I still wish I knew what email said (an boot-licking apology in a just world). Is that wrong?
i’m not sure what to say about this man. a part of me is thinking, “oh, please–give him another chance!” (as if this had anything to do with anything.
i’m not the one who has to live with all this.) but i also know that feeling of, “oh… enough is enough.”
there are so many things swirling around in here–so much about your posts and those of the commenters. (i’m so glad for the nurse-to-be. yes!) i can’t seem to sort through all of it right now. but what i do know: invisibility is so painful.
i wish i had more. it’s all a kind of mental chaos–what i think/feel about being invisible at times–, and it’s difficult to articulate right now. it’s one of the reasons i appreciate blogs like yours. you often put into words what i feel, but am unable to put into words.
There’s an important piece of context I’ve left out here, and I apologize: I’ve known Fred, mainly in Jewish ritual and study settings, for 10 years. That’s a long time for him to get to know me, see me, and learn to take me seriously. Enough is enough.
Rachel, I have not been abused as you have, and I do not want to add to your suffering or minimize it. The people who come to this site come because you are an articulate and talented survivor fighting many of the same battles we are. I know we call this relationship problem one of invisibility, but as I remember it, I only started becoming invisible when I chose to be (because I needed to recover from some open wound). I remember that hiding how I spent my time (and my ostracism) from the people who would have cared and helped if they had understood at all (or known how to help) was for a while an occupation that consumed me as a child. It was sometimes thrilling because: first, it took logic and some very fine acting–second, it let me keep, at least for short periods, my dignity. When I couldn’t endure something and I needed to shut down, I was all about how to disappear like wallpaper or furniture in a way that was unassailable. I remember at some point knowing that invisibility had become a habit I didn’t know how to break. What comes through most in this particular post, Rachel, is that you are so vulnerable right now, and your peace is a fragile thing. Your words convey feelings of helplessness (you say you have no choice whether or not to believe what Fred tells you) and confusion (by all means come see Bob–who I live with–but avoid me–he’s your friend and I won’t get between you–except to veto all your future projects). In short, you would like to be invisible to this man from now on because you are just too raw and wounded to deal with the demands of socializing. I don’t think he sidestepped you because he doesn’t respect you but rather because he doesn’t know how to deal with the mixed message. The problems we Aspies have with reciprocity are documented, Our narrow focus is documented. Our intense scrutiny of a subject is known. And if he senses the simmering anger underneath it all, he might well wish to avoid you.
Liz,
There was no mixed message. At all. Reciprocity is not my weakness. He sent an email; I answered it. We made plans; I was there. He was having difficulties with something. I listened. I was having difficulties with something. He listened. There was no simmering anger underneath it all toward him. He was well aware of how hurt I was by what happened at the shul we were attending, and he reached out, and he made the reassurances that he would continue to connect with me, and then, he stopped, and he went ahead and did the very thing that he knew I cannot stand people doing. What am I supposed to do, say, hey, I’m over here, please, pay attention to me, I’ve only asked a few hundred times before? I’ve known this guy for 10 years, and we’ve had innumerable conversations about a great many things. I’m hardly giving up without a fight. And wanting my husband to continue having the friendship of a person who means something to him (they get together outside the house in several different venues) is not a sign of confusion. It’s a sign of my love for my husband. Telling the guy he’s not getting a grant lets him know there are consequences, but I’m not letting my husband lose a friend over it.
And yes, when I was younger, I made myself invisible, but now, you could hardly call me that. I am quite visibly disabled, and I show up in public that way, and I write a blog under my real name, and I’m publishing an autobiography under my real name, and while I necessitate solitude to recharge, and I choose carefully where I put my energy, I make a lot of effort to stay in the flow of life and to put energy into people who seem like potential friends. It isn’t my fault when they screw up, their much-vaunted NT empathy notwithstanding.
hi–i just wanted to post another quick comment.
another thing i get from your blog is that you’re good at your own clarity: what you want and need, and that’s refreshing to me. (i struggle with that.) we’re from backgrounds that are not so different. i grew up in, yes–one of those families. i tend to find repeats of it, and now am more or less a “refugee” from a painful community as well.
i think it’s why i connect so deeply to this blog and what you have to say. there are many lessons in it for me in how to navigate and re-connect.
i also think it’s important–when one is already reeling from all this—to be able to expect support: or at the very least, that people don’t sabotage you when you’re trying to get your balance back.
i no longer think, “oh, please give him a second chance.” that’s what i tell myself about my family and sometimes the ex-community (i don’t want to go back, but have unnecessary regrets.) it’s a sort of “programming,” i think, from growing up around people who almost loved me–but didn’t quite. maybe this time, maybe this time—they will. it’s not fair to push that on someone else.
again: thanks for the courage. it’s all i can say.
I’m not talking about literal invisibility, I’m talking about body language (often completely subconscious) which shows people both our differences and our vulnerability. In a sense, our differences “confront” other people before we open our mouths. How they behave in response to what they see will depend on a lot of things that we have no control over. And this is what I wonder about. You have lately been needing more control over your environment than you did before and the things you can’t control affect you more than they used to. But you will never have control over someone else’s response to you–and if it provokes shame in you, then you may feel that they are making you feel ashamed, and it’s not the same thing. There is a blog: http://www.ordinarycourage.com where a woman researcher explores the subject of shame resilience and dealing with our shame triggers. What you call teaching someone that there are future consequences of their actions toward you could be interpreted as revenge. That is why I felt it represented a slow burn of anger. It reminded me of that old Chinese proverb: He who takes revenge digs two graves.
How clear do I have to make this? I have not see this person in four months. Therefore, there has been no body language, no nonverbal communication, no hidden meanings, no mixed message for him to read AT ALL. The last time I saw him, I was enthusiastically attempting to get together and have conversations with friends in ways that worked for me.
His response does not make me feel ashamed, nor do I think he was trying to evoke shame. I don’t know how he thinks, and he does not know how I think. If anyone believes that my right as a human being to respond with consequences to the disrespect of another person is revenge, they are quite mistaken. Besides, I wish the world in general would spend a little more time on how the other guy’s behavior might be interpreted (as cruelty, disrespect, insensitivity, privileged ignorance, etc.) rather than harping on my so-called (and altogether illusory) “deficits” that seem to include expecting someone to treat me like a Real Human Being. Excuse me, but the last time I looked, there was nothing wrong with me. Difference is not disease or disorder, and being autistic is not a Get Out of Ethical Reality Free card for the rest of the world.
And just to set the record straight, I don’t do revenge. I do truth. I do survival. I do integrity. I do hope until I feel as stupid as a post sometimes. But revenge is not part of my vocabulary. It never has been, and it never will be.
Ugh! All these “possibilities” are making me tired just reading them! You say he read your blog, you say there have been conversations about you feeling invisible. Just those two things alone should be enough information for him to know to keep things as straightforward as possible with you and not to be anything but, straightforward with you. Anyone who can’t be that is not worth your time. Lonliness is no fun but, the aggravation from having to figure out all these mind games that you’ve communicated already you struggle with and makes you exhausted well, I don’t know, I just don’t think others get how exhausting it is for us and we just can’t turn it off no matter how hard we try and give benefits of the doubts and consider all the scenarios etc etc etc. I even understand why you deleted his other email unread but, I do wonder what it said though.
Thanks, Danielle. My needs are so simple: Communicate with me directly, be kind, and respect my very existence. Is that so difficult?
I can sum this up in two sentences/quotes. I must, however, give quote credit to my husband because he has said this to me over and over and over and over . . . . .
1. “You hear me but you aren’t listening”
2. ” I know what my problems are and we aren’t talking about that. I accept and work on me everyday. We are discussing what’s wrong with you”. – In this case, the word “you” should be replaced with the name “Fred”.
I hear you Rachel and you aren’t invisible. You are a topic of conversation in my household a lot. Your posts are great subjects to ask questions about and my husband appreciates the interest. Hang in there. All will be OK.
Thanks, J &J. Those are great quotes, especially “You hear me but you aren’t listening.” That pretty much sums it up.
Rachel, sorry, I’ve only just read this blog entry and I know that it’s old news.
I wonder whether when Fred didn’t copy his email to you, it was a question of being somewhat sexist addressing the “male” rather than an issue with autism.
I found Elisabeth’s comments really interesting. It’s very true, but I’ve never seen someone say it so openly before: men-women platonic friendships are very very very difficult to navigate, but you’ll most often hear that denied.
It’s the reason why I try to be very careful with what I say and do to prevent men getting the wrong impression, and the reason why I have no proper ‘friendships’ with men (other than my husband), except for some friendly acquaintance (you greet each other, have impromptu conversations but don’t arrange to meet each other on a regular basis).