I am happy. Why? Well, let me tell you!
I am halfway through my medication taper, and while it’s been a rough road, I am feeling better and better every day. Just the knowledge that I am getting these benzodiazepines out of my system makes me feel good. My mind is clearer, my mood is better, and I feel more resilient. The benzos were literally depressing the hell out of me. They caused me no end of problems, some of which they had originally been prescribed to treat. I’ve learned that there are thousands upon thousands of others who have discovered the same thing, and who are now working hard to say good-bye to these medications forever.
I am going out for long walks every day, whether I feel like it or not, whether it’s raining or not, whether I feel like a train wreck or not. I’ve taken my stationary bike out of my loft and stored it in the garage, because cycling indoors just symbolizes isolation to me. I have to get outside everyday and feel part of the world, and I will continue doing so even when it’s cold out. I’ve done it before, and I will do it again.
I’ve started cooking delicious, healthy meals. I can now make a great tofu curry dish and today, I’m going to make a Mexican-style meal. It’s amazing to enjoy cooking again. I’ve discovered that what overwhelmed me was not the cooking per se, but the feeling that I had to come up with a new dish every other day, instead of just building up my repertoire, one dish at a time, over a more manageable period of time. I’m still learning the concept of “slow and steady.”
I have started using the library, and it feels so calming. It sure is nice to go into a building without piped-in music.
I’m continuing to experiment with alternative communication technology, and I’m studying ASL again. I’m realizing that it’s time to get serious about giving myself alternatives to speech when I need them.
I have met some new autistic people in town! It happened in the oddest way: A local guy named Jesse emailed an ASAN board member in Oregon, looking for an ASAN chapter in Vermont. It just so happens that this ASAN board member in Oregon is also a friend of mine (Hi Elesia!), and told him that I was starting up an ASAN chapter in southern Vermont. (I had corresponded with Elesia some time ago about being the chapter leader here, but hadn’t done much to move it forward.) So, she put us in touch with each other. As it turned out, Jesse is on the spectrum, and works with autistic middle schoolers and high schoolers! He was putting together an event for Autistic Pride Day on June 18, so I showed up for that, and met some new people. Since then, he and I have been emailing and discussing all kinds of things, including ideas for getting an ASAN chapter off the ground here. He and I are both very interested in self-created autistic community and he plans to introduce me to others.
And, last but not least, I have finally remembered what I learned long ago: creating happiness is up to me. For reasons having nothing to do with me, people will not always come through, and I have to be able to maintain my self respect, my dignity, my individuality, and my sense of self. In other words, whatever happens, I have to hold onto my power and use it for my own good and for the good of others. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary.
It’s tough to keep learning the same things over and over, but I think that’s what we humans do. We get lost, and then we have to find the way back, again and again.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
So glad things are working out for you! Isn’t it great when several things start happening in the right way at the same time. Well done for making them happen! The curry sounds lovely by the way: I’ve got tofu in the fridge so I might set my husband on it.
Well done Rachel. It’s good to see a really happy post!
Sounds awesome!!! So glad that things are moving in a positive direction for you
That’s wonderful, Rachel! And I am so glad you have finally started to find an autistic community there
another so glad! it’s an inspiration.
Mazel tov!
rachel, it’s always so good to be able to revel in the little things that bring joy, isn’t it? i love cooking too… your curry tofu sounds fab! x thanks for bringing a smile x
Thanks, y’all. I’m beginning to realize that it’s the small, moment-to-moment things that are the real stuff of life–I mean, I’m beginning to realize it yet AGAIN.
How is the ASL coming? I’m a recently-diagnosed Aspie, and I have found that ASL is very hard to learn. I even wrote Dr. Attwood about it, and he agreed that people with ASD would have a particularly hard time with ASL. I went to a full-immersion course this summer, and found out that was a BIG mistake. My receptive skills are especially poor, and I worked hard on them. My expressive wasn’t so good, either. Under pressure, I was expressionless, even though I thought I was doing okay. I’m still working on ASL, but I’ll never be ‘good’ at it. Hopefully, you will have better success.
Hi Tabitha,
I stopped trying to learn ASL, mainly because I’ve come to realize that my native way of learning and understanding is print-based. I have a friend who is Deaf, Autistic, and fluent in ASL, so I know it’s possible for autistic people to learn. It’s probably the case that her deafness gives her visual-receptive language abilities that override the challenges of her autism. We are all so different!