Are you sick of the “I’ve just been so terribly busy!” excuse for rudeness? Do you have the uncomfortable feeling that it’s just another form of rudeness? You’re not alone.
Yesterday, I felt like I was up to my eyeballs in this kind of discourtesy. Two situations came together at just the same moment. Both scenarios involved, I kid you not, offers that I made to help others in the community. For free. Yes. For free. Just because it seemed like a good thing to do.
In the first case, I’ve been asking to help out at a place in town since February. Every couple of months, I send the guy in charge an email, reminding him that I’m available to help–for free–and I inevitably get a response along the lines of “I’m just so terribly overextended, and I’ll get back to you soon” and then, I hear nothing. Two months later, I write another email, asking why I’m being ignored and restating my interest in helping out with my highly paid professional skills–for free–and I get much the same response. Sometimes, he throws in, “You know, I’m ignoring a lot of other people too, so don’t take it personally.” It makes me feels so much better to know that other people are being treated equally rudely, don’t you know? And did I mention that I’m trying to help the guy from being overextended by offering my skills? For free? Yes, I am.
The second case involves an individual I was going to do some work for—again, for free. I’ve emailed three times, offering my help. The first time, the other person said, “Email me again in three weeks.” I did. Twice. When I finally said, “You know, if you’ve changed your mind, you can just tell me,” I got back an explanation of how the person was just so terribly busy, and my email just got left on the back burner, because their kid is applying to college, and everything is so hectic, and so on, and so forth, and could I come over on Thursdays? Wha-hah? Did I mention that I spent last weekend providing support and comfort to my own daughter as she worked on her college application essays? And that I still managed to find the time to actually be courteous to people who asked me things? And that even when I was working full-time and homeschooling, I kept track of who needed a response and made sure that no one got left behind? I did.
And do you know why I did? It’s simple: because I was raised that way.
My parents taught me that if someone offers to help with something, or wants to get together, or asks you a sincere question, you get back to the person in a timely manner. My grandfather’s immigrant parents raised twelve kids in a tenement, so they were a little busy and stressed out, you know? And yet, they weren’t too busy and too stressed out to instill this teaching in their children. My grandfather passed this teaching to my mother, who was in agreement on the whole concept with my father, and they passed it on to me. As you know, my parents were about four or five cans short of a six-pack, and yet, even they understood the concept of consideration for the time and the feelings of others.
When I was a kid, I learned all the social rules. I observed them, I listened to people talk about them, and I followed them. And then, at some point, when I was focusing on something even more fascinating, all the rules changed and no one sent me the memo. These days, as far as I can tell, the rule is that you can disregard the value of someone’s skills, time, feelings, and goodness of heart just because you’re busy. It’s the all-purpose explanation. Surely, you understand?
This weekend, I really thought I must be nuts. I felt like the only person left on the planet who even uses words like “rudeness” and “courtesy” in a complete sentence anymore, and the only human who considers them to be something more than the ancient relics of a bygone civilization. I started wondering who was upside down—me, or the world?
So I said to my husband, “Am I nuts?”
And my husband said, “No, honey. You’re not nuts. The world has gone crazy.”
I told the story to a friend on the spectrum this afternoon, and she had the same response. She just couldn’t understand the idea of leaving someone hanging for months on end without an update or an explanation. Neither can I.
I’m old-fashioned, I know. And I suppose that there are people out there who will pathologize my desire for courtesy as a symptom of being neurotically attached to rules and consistency. Well, guess what? That’s how civilization goes on, people. Rules and consistency. Otherwise, you have chaos. You have callousness. You have gross insensitivity to the feelings of others. You have bullying. You have the survival of the fittest.
You have the world we live in.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
Sometimes people genuinely forget – I literally get 300+ emails/feeds etc per day and I try to wade through them all, marking some for attention and ignoring others. Sometimes I forget about things and when I look up, it’s three months later.
That said, if anyone reminds me about something, it jumps to the top of the “deal with immediately” pile because to do anything differently is to be offensive.
You’re not nuts, you’re just one of the last courteous people in a world overwhelmed by chaos.
I’m so tired of the “I’m so busy” phrase in general. It is WAY overused! People complain of being so busy like they are the end all to keeping things going. NO ONE is that important!
Gavin: Thanks for the reassurances. I just wonder why people are so little inclined to bring order out of chaos these days. I was always under the impression that it was our job as human beings to do just that. *shrug*
Danielle: It almost feels like people get more points based on how busy they are–as though if you’re not insanely busy, you won’t be taken seriously. I’m not sure what you get for having more points, or who’s giving out the points, for that matter. But whoever it is, that person must be stopped!
Yep, common courtesy and rules of polite society are down the drain these days. I hate the “I’ve been so busy,” one, too. The one that really gets me, though, is how everyone in my generation is just okay with children calling them by their first names.
My parents would have disintegrated where they stood if I ever even dreamed of calling one of their friends, or the parents of one of my friends anything other than Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. so and so. It was COMPLETELY UNHEARD OF! But now, my friends, or the parents of my childrens’ friends look at me like I’m a complete wacko for saying, “No, I’d prefer it if they called me Mrs. Hand.” And I get the same look when I insist that my children call them Mr. or Mrs. so and so. They’re not your friends or equals. You show a modicum of respect. Yes, just for the fact that they’ve lived on the planet longer than you have. When I was a kid, I never got that one, but I darn sure get it now, buddy.
Sorry, didn’t mean to rant on your rant. Just feeling your pain!
Laura honey, rant all you want about this stuff. It’s so refreshing to hear that others get it!
You’ll be happy to know that my adult stepdaughter’s teammates in college all referred to my husband as “Mr. Rottenberg.” I never realized what a sign of respect it was until I watched it in action. I don’t like to be called “Mrs. Rottenberg,” but then again, I use a Hebrew name, so if someone can pronounce my first name properly, including the “ch” part, I’m happy.
I do prefer courtesy. I like it when things are clearly stated with no ambiguities, and promises are kept.
Sometimes there seems to be an assumption that we’ll get the message by osmosis, telepathy, or some other mysterious way!
Born2bme: I wonder whether having had an Aspie dad influenced my value system even more than the era in which I grew up. He had his faults, God knows, but my dad was very big on courtesy and consideration for others. My mother, my friends’ parents, and my teachers all drummed these things into me as well, but I remember my father talking about courtesy and consideration as though they were every bit as necessary as oxygen and nourishing food. It definitely made an impression on me.
Rachel: I think both my parents may have had Aspergian characteristics. There was certainly a heavy emphasis on courtesy, manners, and consideration of other peoples’ feelings. They also had a strong sense of the “right” way for things to be done.
I think courtesy was emphasized even at school and by other parents, back then, much more than it is today. It seems to be politically incorrect to judge poor behaviour in children now. I don’t envy teachers in today’s classroom.
Temple Grandin once said that she thought the increase in AS diagnosis is in part due to the fact that manners and civility. It is interesting that at the time I heard her say that I was thinking the same thing. Used to be social skills were saying please, thank you, excuse me and knowing which fork to use at the dinner party. Do those things today and you are the brunt of bullying. Go figure.
It’s nice to know there are still some polite people in the world!
So often when people say they’re busy all it means is that they’re disorganised and they don’t want to admit it or do any thing about it! Cue: I’m too busy to say ‘yes please’ or ‘no thanks’ to your offer of help, but I can write a whole email explaining what it is that has kept me so unbelievably busy over the last few weeks!
Also I wonder if it’s easier to forget common courtesy over email. After all, you’re only a line or so in their inbox, not a whole person deserving of their attention and respect.
But then again, I’ve never received more than thirty emails in a day, and I still manage to get behind in replying to some, so – who am I to criticise?
Born2bme: I totally agree–It’s become forbidden to judge bad behavior in children. We just have to understand where they’re coming from, and that’s as far as it goes. I’m very keen on understanding where children are coming from, but I also expect courtesy and respect. The two aren’t mutually exclusive categories. Just ask my kid! It’s so nice to talk with someone else who get’s that.
Dan: I hadn’t heard Temple Grandin say that, but it makes a lot of sense. I’ve noticed over the past few years that when I say “Please” and “Thank you” in a store, I sometimes get weird looks, almost as though I’m hopelessly naive. I’m not sure how to communicate that I’m trying to bring a little more civility into the world.
Sandrine: You’ve totally hit the nail on the head. People are too busy to respond, but when you call them on it, they have sufficient time to explain *why* they’ve been too busy to respond. Argh! The cognitive dissonance is almost painful.
Everyone gets behind on their emails at one time or another. I do as well. I’m not bothered when people get behind. I’m bothered when they don’t prioritize, and when they don’t follow through and give an answer, but leave it to me to keep bugging them with no resolution in sight. I feel required to respond pretty quickly to people who ask a sincere question or make a sincere offer, and I feel obligated to resolve open issues, just as I would in face-to-face conversation. Of course, if there is illness, injury, bereavement, or other life crisis, I totally understand that all bets are off. But when everyday life itself becomes such a crisis that all civility is lost, then there’s a problem, and it ain’t with me.
OH!!! So it’s like the “ch” in Nachum? (That was the only similar Jewish name I could think of at the time) Our dojo is in an Orthodox/Conservative Jewish neighborhood, so I’ve been learning A LOT. At any rate, now I know if we ever meet face to face that you are NOT Ra”ch”el.
Good to know.
Yes! It’s just like the “ch” in Nachum. When I introduce myself, most people act as though they’re downright afraid of trying the gutteral sound, so I end up being called Rochelle, Raquel, Rahel, and once even Rahkwel. I appreciate the effort, though. If people find it too hard to pronounce the Hebrew, I tell them it’s fine to use the English. Since I took my Hebrew name almost seven years ago, only a couple of people have defaulted to the English version, which is pretty cool, considering that I don’t live in a bastion of Jewish culture or anything.
I admit to sometimes having difficulty with the pronunciation and it comes out Nakum, but I think I get an “A” for effort.
I hit it about 85%, maybe more. It’s weird because I have to consciously prepare my throat for making the sound. When I hear his mom pronounce it, though, it just rolls right off. It’s really quite impressive.
We are an impressive people!
I’ve been meaning to comment on this post, but I’ve just been way too busy.
Big Daddy, obsessing about pizza does not qualify as being busy. Sheesh.
I’m with Big Daddy.
I think for some people when they say “I’m too busy” it’s there only way of saying “Life is really out of control for me. I’m terribly lost and overwhelmed.” I often want to say just that but it does not seem like something you are supposed to admit.
Prioritizing is really really hard for some of us. I get hundreds and hundreds of emails. I fall behind on my bills. I often feel like Lucy in that I Love Lucy episode where she works in a chocolate factory and can’t keep up with the chocolates she’s supposed to be packing so she stuffs them in her mouth and in her bra. I guess that’s not polite either – but what can you do?
Yes, I do know people who try to make themselves important by bragging about how busy they are. For some reason they make me laugh.
My thoughts on this take a number of directions (sorry, I can’t do a brief version).
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“(I’m so very) busy” may be the new “(I think you’re really) nice” or “(That’s) interesting”.
An all-purpose (indirect) way to decline/reject/deflect, without getting into the uncomfortable particulars.
As a habitual way of engaging with the world (and the individuals in one’s life), perpetual procrastination is not a sustainable approach. It thwarts and/or poisons mutual goodwill, and turns folks into The Boy Who Cried “Wolf”, so to speak.
Agreements (made between oneself & another) set up expectations for a communicative exchange, like the ostensible offer of “Hey, let’s hang out sometime !” you mentioned in recent blog post, where people throw this line out as if it meant nothing beyond an obligatory politeness*.
Metaphorically, one mentally packs a suitcase for a trip, but the other person fails to show (doesn’t follow through on getting together), and one is left wondering if one should unpack the suitcase-or whether to “just wait another moment” because the other person actually will be along shortly.
The uncertainty can be vexing, confusing, and hurtful, and puts one in the position of having to repeatedly seek out someone for whom one thought one was doing a favor (and then one feels as if one is intruding, merely for needing a timely answer-a simple yes or no will suffice, but is surprisingly difficult to obtain).
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Being “busy” seems like the new “rich” or “thin”,
as in the saying “you can never be too…”.
Creating a life that’s “overbooked” & scattered can be a way to fend off a vacuum into which unwanted material (from internal and external sources) might otherwise spill. Being busy is often equated (by oneself or others) with being “important” (in demand, wanted, needed).
Pleading “busy-ness” can be a defensive stance to head off potential criticism of being anything other than “busy”, as being “unoccupied” (idleness, perish the thought !) is considered a problem in need of remedy (Protestant work ethic, Catholic guilt, the value of thrift, notion of “it’s patriotic to be industrious and efficient”, and so on)**.
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How busy am I ? It’s hard to definitively assess.
I spend my time either preparing for or recuperating from (or both, with consecutive events) the few things I do. This feels “busy” to my nervous system, and I can’t imagine being able/willing to handle more-yet were I to list what I do in a day or week, it would amount to very little tangible activity (esp. compared with the lives of most other people).
I still have oodles of things I’m not getting done, that I’ve vague hopes of doing, but I don’t know how likely it is that I’ll complete any of those projects.
As soon as I accomplish one item on a list, ten more take its place, and I think that is a common feeling for many people.
Historically, people were probably also quite busy back in the day (though with more physical labor), but I suspect the multi-tasking (a million things simultaneously competing for our attention) fed by media & technology nowadays compounds the “new norm” of being unceasingly distracted and chronically hurried (and harried).
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*My default setting remains to interpret it literally, as statement of intent to commit a deed rather than merely words-though am painfully learning that others rarely say it seriously. I endeavor not to be promiscuous in my promise-making, so as to minimize causing other people disappointment.
**From pg.122 of Jennifer Michael Hecht’s “The Happiness Myth: The Historical Antidote to What isn’t Working Today” (2007): “In general, Americans have always been worried about unproductive happiness. After all, capitalism and democracy are sustained by unsatisfied desire and alert participation.”
Isabel, I think you’re right: when people say they are too busy, what they often mean is that they are overwhelmed. The problem, as I see it, is twofold:
1) When someone says “I’ve been too busy to get back to you,” what comes across to me is “I have more important things to do than respond to you,” which is both rude and sorta crazy making when you’re offering to help.
2) If people feel comfortable enough to say “I feel overwhelmed,” that’s an opening to a constructive conversation about how I might be able to help. That’s what friends and community are for, yes? If the offer of help isn’t wanted, that’s fine, but at least I’ve gotten a response that allows me somewhere to go. Of course, we live in such an aggressive “if you ask for help, you’re a wimp” culture that people just turn in on themselves, get even more overwhelmed, and feel less able to reach out–unless it’s to a prescribing doctor.
I know that some people just can’t get organized. I have a friend on the spectrum who also has ADHD, and it’s very difficult for her to keep up with everything (although she does a pretty amazing job). So I cut her slack and don’t take it personally, especially because she comes out and tells me, “I have difficulty staying organized.” But unless everyone who says they’re too busy has ADHD, I can’t cut everyone the same amount of slack–especially because I have my own disabilities to deal with and I still manage to do reasonably well with being courteous. And when I screw up, I don’t make excuses. I just admit that I’ve screwed up.
Belfast: Wow. Absolutely brilliant! I agree with every word.
I know the feeling – all too well. I recently lost what I had considered a good friend because s/he was “just too busy” to comment, email, or even tweet once in a while, as we had been doing before. I kept thinking s/he must be mad at me for something, and actually asked if it was this or that, but only got denials and “I’m just too busy.” This person knew that I had experienced that all my life, so I had to end the expectation (on my part) that things would ever go back to what they were. I still think that “something had changed”, but have no idea what it was.
Clay, I can really empathize with your situation. I had a similar one with a friend whom I asked to be very direct with me and to keep the relationship reciprocal. I didn’t want to be the one to keep asking to get together. He seemed to understand perfectly, but ultimately, it didn’t work out. I’m not sure why, but I have the feeling that for many people, whatever is happening for them at the moment takes over, and they become too busy to remember a previous commitment. Since I’m not in the thick of things anymore, I have to depend on people to remember me, rather than being in their faces constantly, and that puts me at a disadvantage. On the other hand, I’d rather not have friends whose philosophy toward friendship is “out of sight, out of mind,” so when all is said and done, it probably worked out for the best.
As if I hadn’t already said enough on the subject…
Please pardon my verbosity (I either have far too much-or very little-to say).
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Saying no, refusing, is so difficult (more or less, depending on the details-and I admit, I’m not immune to being influenced by this phenomenon) that people end up saying yes anyway, or letting the other person think that they did so (failing to correct an implicit assumption).
It feels confrontational & impolite to refuse, in the immediate short-term, yet in the long-term a “false positive” response (saying okay but acting to the contrary) is a greater insult & imposition (discourtesy). It’s “easier” to seem nice in the moment, in hopes one will never see the person again & therefore not have to reconcile the disjuncture between one’s words vs. one’s deeds.
On some level, the mouth writes checks that the rest of the body can’t (won’t) cash.
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Expiration dates: Not that this would work for you as a policy, and I can’t claim that I’d be able to use this idea myself, either. A theoretical method for dealing with this ongoing problem of unreliability makes intellectual/economic sense, but humans are a lot less rational than they/we believe ourselves to be. Such as: “If I don’t hear from you by this date, or if we cannot arrange a meet-up, then this topic will be tabled so I can get on with the rest of my life”.
Businesses impose this standard of behavior on clients, and while it seems cold (offensive) to treat recreational persons (friends/family) that way, it’s just as offensive/inconsiderate to have one’s own time, attention, and energy taken for granted (by other person) as well.
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Opportunity costs: If person A will not be accompanying you on the trip, then you need that info. so you can instead invite person B. It’s like having to indefinitely hold a reservation for a patron that one has no assurance will ever arrive, so your energies are best spent on better prospects.
Having to be ever-at-the-ready is exhausting & irritating, makes one want to say “well, if you ever do find the time to do this with me, I’ll need at least ‘this’ much notice beforehand, in order to allow me enough time to adjust my settings” (in the “taking a trip together” metaphor, the opportunity to unpack my outfits for Tahiti & pick out some supplies for heading to Siberia). I cannot just “turn on a dime” (react effectively to a “quick change”).
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On a related note, I saw episode of tv show (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”) the other night that once again addressed a problem in this general category. A person was invited to party with explicit clear (so you’d think) instruction of “No gifts”. One can substitute all manner of specifics here, such as the protest “I don’t want a party”, leading to bad feeling when that same person realizes “Hey, where’s my party ?”.
You can guess how *that* turned out…and whose view/side I identified with.
Talk about backwards-it’s like the “Bizarro-world” in “Superman”, where everything is it’s opposite.
When I say “no” I mean “no”. When I say “yes” I mean “yes”.
How can it be that these basic principles no longer apply ?
“Yes” is the new “no”, and “No” is the new “yes” ? No wonder I’m baffled & annoyed.
Reminds me a bit of the modified definitions (at least within a slang culture) for “bad” or “sick”, which became compliments, contrary to their dictionary listings. Am I the only one who missed the memo: “when used in social context, the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ have now switched places” ?
I’m exaggerating, but my frustration & confusion are authentic.
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As one increasingly has to use more words while meaning less (regardless of whether the result is intended, expressively & receptively), what language is left ? Will we end up having to communicate our complex non-numerical realities via the seeming certainty of math ?
I can see it now: “Oh, when you said ‘I’m feeling sort of 4975′, I didn’t realize that number was modified with an exponent or a subscript, so what you really meant by that was…(something completely different from how I interpreted it)”.
Yeah, it happens like that. Y’all should try being a 4 yr old waiting for your Dad to pick you up at noon for an every-other-Sunday visit, and your mother waits for 2 hours before calling him to find out that he’s “too hung over” to drive. Raw disappointment. I always try to avoid situations where someone is supposed to pick me up to go somewhere. (But then, it just doesn’t come up anymore.)
Belfast: You make some excellent points. I especially like the idea of setting a deadline for a response. In fact, I’ve done just that in one area of my life and, lo and behold, my mood is getting sunnier by the day!
Clay: I can relate to your feelings of disappointment. Being disappointed has always been one of the hardest things for me, and I’ve often shied away from asking for things so as to avoid it. I’m learning, however, that I can ask for things, but that I shouldn’t get too get excited about them until I see follow-through, which goes a long way toward establishing trust.
Excellent post! I have to admit to telling people often that “I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy…” because I was unable to return a call as quickly as I would like (or they would). I say it because it is true. However, like someone else said, once it’s brought to my attention – or I get to the task – I take care of it right away. People only get a long explanation if they (a) ask for one; (b) indicate that they think I have nothing to do except respond to their issues; or (c) are close enough to me that by sharing my “busy-ness,” I’m actually commisserating and sharing my burden with a friend.
I’m a single mom with 3 kids. Because I was extremely unwise in my relationship choices in the far past, I do not have a significant other and I do not receive child support. I work full time, finished my undergraduate work in my early 40′s and am in the midst of doing my graduate work at a seminary a state away. I drive over and back every week, taking all my classes in one day. My children are turning out fine – eldest just graduated Summa Cum Laude and started her graduate work; second daughter graduates from high school next spring; and the “baby,” is my 6 ft tall, 220 lb, 13 year old son, who was diagnosed with AS/HFA and Anxiety Disorder in 4th grade. Life has been challenging, but let me tell you, all three of my children say “Please” and “Thank you” and even sometimes “Ma’am” and “Sir.”
Am I busy? Absolutely. Is that an excuse for being rude or ignoring people? Absolutely not. Even my older daughter recognizes the dire state of customer service these days. I think there is some hope in the world when she and her friends comment on the issue and do things in their lives to make their little corner of the world a better place. In the meantime, though, it seems like the world HAS gone crazy.
I can tell you, though…YOU have not. I’m glad I found your blog.
Suzanne, I loved hearing your story and your comments–every word! I’m so glad you found my blog. Welcome!
More musings on what “being busy” might indicate (hope these make sense, and are neither too specific nor too abstract):
Being in mindset A, yet activity B is what needs tackling at the moment (esp. if one’s made a prior commitment for a designated event)-one is occupied, busy with something else (which one reluctantly finds more irresistible). I’m not always able to “force” myself into right “mood” or frame of mind to study/address an issue (or another person). Writing a thoughtful & considered letter/email (or comment) takes me 1-3 hours, and involves a lot of mental effort (corralling my brain into completing what I’ve started).
Too busy to do X, but not to busy to do Y, as multitasking items aren’t equally interchangeable. Activities involving words clash with other word-based tasks. For example, I can’t read and listen to someone talk at same time, but I can simultaneously draw a doodle and pay attention to what’s being said-because for me, those don’t conflict (interfere with performance of both functions). The amount/level of focus (uninterrupted time) a job requires will vary depending on the details (and the individual persons).
These sorts of irreducible “gray areas” could be at work with someone giving you mixed signals, self-contradictory or circular reasoning, inconsistent messages, hot-and-cold responses.
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A significant gap exists between:
“what I’d like to do *eventually*, in general, in theory”
-and “what I’d like to do *right now*, in particular, for real”.
I do my best to minimize instances of this incongruity, but usually am more powerfully swayed by immediate (rather than delayed) gratification. I try to be realistic about my limitations and express those to people, though.
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At the library yesterday, I found an excellent article in Oct. 11 issue of “The New Yorker” magazine that touches on a lot of this subject area, called “Later: What does procrastination tell us about ourselves ?” by James Surowiecki. However, if I tried outlining the crucial points here, I’d end up making another way-too-lengthy comment.
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Can’t take credit for the “expiration date” idea, as that was the suggestion of my social worker at the clinic (when I brought up this topic with her).
guilty as charged, ma’m… I’m afraid I do use the “too busy” excuse, but in my defence I have to say that apart from the possible ASD thing, my family doc thinks there may be some ADD (no H), plus dysthymia plus chronic pain plus family troubles plus low energy plus migraines = big fat overwhelm
and some the plates I am trying to juggle come crashing to the ground…
on the plus side, I speak Arabic so the ‘ch’ sound is easy for me
I hadn’t realized that you use the Hebrew pronunciation so I have now amended my mental soundtrack when I read your writings 
Sorry everyone .. I really meant to reply sooner, but I got so bogged down in reading all your great responses to this amazingly insightful posting that I just fell behind…that is, after I fell asleep after eating all that pizza that Big Daddy brought over. Pizza’s one of those things I simply love to eat, but it sure does knock me out. I imagine you know what I mean; if you don’t, I guess we don’t have anything else to talk about! Now then — what was I supposed to be doing? Oops — that car just went past again — you know — the one with all those bumper stickers that I never get to read, but they sure look way cool so, of course, how could I not just drop what I was supposed to be doing (which I think I forgot anyway) and run after that car cause I didn’t want to miss it again. Life just keeps throwing all these neat things my way!
Belfast: I understand what you’re saying about the relative ease of switching to some tasks and not others. In the instances I’ve mentioned, the tasks with which I was offering help were high-priority tasks (to the people involved), so being unable to get to them because of “busy-ness” seems to be an issue not simply of having too much to do, but also with being unable to organize and prioritize everything. As Suzanne pointed out, she is extremely busy, but she does not use it as a reason to be inconsiderate–nor do you, of course, as we’ve discussed in person. (And thank you for listening to me vent.
) Being courteous is a priority to us. I’m beginning to understand, in the course of this discussion, how much I need other people in my life for whom it is also a priority. If it’s not a priority with the person I’m talking to, we’ve left the ground of shared assumptions about something that’s very basic to me.
Misfit: The fact that you can pronounce my Hebrew name absolves you of all transgressions!
Seriously, though, your ability to enumerate and express the reasons and the ways in which you’re overwhelmed is the solution. It provides a way for people to offer help or understanding, rather than wondering why you can’t keep all those plates spinning.
Bob: I love you, too, honey. Glad you finally made it to the discussion.
On the question of accepting help – believe it or not, that can be a very very very very hard thing to do. Many times I want help, I probably seem to cry out for help, and people offer to help, but then I get stuck and don;t know how to incorporate that offer into my reality. I’ve had people look at me strange and grudgingly when they offer to help me and I hesitate. I don;t know what the next step is. I freeze. I probably procrastinate, I probably don’t say what I’m supposed to say. And the opportunity gets lost and I probably offend these people.
When it works out it’s a beautiful thing. Like a few years ago my heating bill was out of control and a friend and her partner offered to help me put up plastic coverings over my windows. I think they offered a few times until somehow they gently were able to get me to commit to a date.
I know that there are self-important people out there who are truly inconsiderate, but I think there may also be many people like me who have a hard time with time frames and making dates just juggling the way things are handled in our modern world as far as expectations about how soon you are supposed to get back to people etc. Please forgive us.
Please also realize that in some cultures it is rude to say no when someone asks you to help. You say yes and then you figure out a way. But when there is such an explosion of activity it can be hard to keep up with all those things and figure out how to fit them all in.
Isabel, I understand what you’re saying. My rant notwithstanding, I don’t have a problem forgiving people around these kinds of things. The problem I have is knowing how to strategize around the ambiguities. I get stuck because I don’t know whether yes means yes, no, or maybe, and I have no idea what the timeframe is supposed to be.
I think Belfast’s social worker’s suggestion of setting an expiration date on offers is one way of solving the problem. I’ve recently done that and it’s put me in a much more forgiving mood toward everyone involved.
Yes, I know what you mean. I think that was definitley one of the things that I appreciated about what you and other autistic people expressed about how you struggle understanding people. I have these same struggles all the time, wondering What did they mean by that? If they said X, are they really saying Y? Or my just assuming that if they said X they meant X, but then I’m finding out later that they didn’t really mean X they meant Y (and somehow I was supposed to know that – seems like everyone else knew that but me). So next time I might wonder when they say B are they really meaning A?
Yes, it’s exhausting.