In the course of our trip to Maine last week, I learned the importance of expressing my appreciation to the people who provided accommodations and accessibility.
As soon as the employees at the inn began giving us quiet places to eat, I found myself looking for opportunities to let them know what an enjoyable time I was having. For instance, when we were seated in the dining room away from the other guests, I said, “Thank you! This is just what I need.” When we were seated in a quiet area for breakfast, and the waiter asked whether the situation was working for me, I said, “Absolutely. This is just perfect.” When the restaurant manager asked us whether we were enjoying our stay, I said, “People here have been very helpful in working around my sensitivities to sound. It’s made all the difference in the world. I very much appreciate it.”
Now, this course of action may sound like ordinary politeness—and perhaps it is—but I always feel myself walking a very fine line. On the one hand, I know that I have a right to inclusion. And so, I could just have sat there with a smug attitude that said, “I deserve this treatment. Why should I thank you?” And yet, it’s just not in me to act that way. Yes, we all deserve inclusion, just as we all deserve love, friendliness, and beauty in our lives, but it does no harm to say “thank you” to the people who provide them. It’s good for the soul of the receiver and for the soul of the giver.
On the other hand, saying “thank you” for accommodations can easily turn into a self-effacing apology for our needs, as though we’re getting a favor that we don’t deserve. It is all too easy to venture into the realm of “Thank you for giving me this special treatment,” or “I appreciate that you don’t mind my being such a bother,” or “It’s so nice of you not to get irritated by my request.”
No. When asking for accommodations, there is no special treatment involved. What we’re asking for is to be treated as equals. And if a person is bothered or irritated by our respectful, persistent requests to be treated as equals, I would count that as a very good thing. After all, in order for anything to change, people have to move outside their comfort zones and carve out new ones. Otherwise, they’ll never expand their ideas of what’s possible, what’s deserved, or what’s ethical.
Perhaps the best way to express appreciation for accommodations is to say, “I want to acknowledge the way you accorded me respect and provided equal treatment. You did an excellent job.” To my mind, this type of statement increases one’s dignity, and it lets the other person know that he or she hasn’t just followed the law or provided good service. The person has engaged in an ethical, potentially life-changing moment for another human being. And by showing our appreciation, we make it more likely that the person will provide accommodations to the next disabled individual who comes through the door.
The other night, my husband told me that he is planning to write a letter to the hotel manager. He wants to let her know how much he appreciates what her staff did for us. When I asked whether we should write the letter together, or whether I should be the one to write it, my husband kept pushing back with “That’s okay. I’ll write it.”
At first, I felt left out; after all, shouldn’t I be the person to follow up? But now I realize that when people make accommdations for me, they also make accommodations for my husband as an individual, and for both of us together. When my own possibilities expand, we can do more things together, and my husband’s enjoyment increases.
I think that it’s important that our loved ones express their appreciation on their own behalf, because we do not exist in isolation. How people treat us deeply affects the people who care about us. So, as much as I want to follow up with a letter myself, I’m going to let my husband have his say.
God willing, I’ll have many other opportunities to say “thank you” myself.
© 2011 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
great post.
i totally agree that it is a fine line between respect and graciousness, and feeling or seeming apologetic for what i have already decided is, basically, what i should be getting any way.
it’s not like these issues don’t come up for the average person, in all kinds of situations, but i’m betting the average person doesn’t put as much thought (and angst) into treading that fine line, or realize how important it is to me to do so.
also, i have no idea, really, how my face looks when i say thank you, but i’m told my someone i trust, that my smile is large, and genuine. there are lots of times when my honesty and forthrightness cause problems for the average people i have to deal with. my genuine nature MORE than makes up for it, whether they realize it or not
Being genuine makes a huge difference when you’re thanking people or just being friendly. It goes a very long way.
Hi Rachel, on a related note, I think it’s also important that we learn to be gracious when others thank us. Something I havent always found easy. And to thank you for your insights and the value they have given me, I have dedicated my recent post to you.
take care
You are so right about graciously accepting thanks. It’s not always an easy thing. But what a great problem to work on, eh?
Ooooh, this post hit a button with me! Working in customer service so many years, I can tell you that very few people, at all, bother to take the time to say “You did an excellent job.” Very few people express thanks, or appreciation, or any kind of positive interaction that says “You did an excellent job. And your excellent job made a difference for me. Thank you.”
I can see the issue about it becoming self-effacing, but again, so very few individuals give positive feedback. Without feedback, how can employees know if what they are doing is working? Of course, there’s always negative feedback. Always, always with the negative feedback. We were wrong, we didn’t smile enough, we didn’t say thank you to the customer, we didn’t move fast enough, the coffee wasn’t hot enough, we weren’t apologetic or subservient or groveling enough, didn’t take enough responsibility for things beyond our control…I could go on and on.
But 4 years after I left my job, I still have a photo that a customer sent me, of her kitty. Because I touched her so much (bonding over my experience with a very ill kitty) that she took the time to send me a picture, and express her thanks for my concern, for my showing her that I took her seriously. I still have that photo. It meant that much to me.
So from my pov, you can never thank them enough. Genuine thanks (not self-effacement, not apology) is always the right choice in MY world.
You know, I had the feeling that the folks I was dealing weren’t used to getting praise or thanks from customers. There is such a pervasive sense of entitlement in our culture that most people have lost any semblance of manners or gratitude. I often find that when I thank people for holding a door open, or for giving me change for a purchase, they’re somewhat taken aback.
People with customer service jobs work so hard; it’s one of the reasons that it’s important to go to the manager before the fact to request accommodations. It helps to avoid putting employees in a bad position and getting them chewed out by the boss over a request that is often above their pay grade.
This is the exact attitude I tried to install in my Daughter as I was raising her. Graciousness is never the wrong answer. Beautifully expressed.
Thank you, Judy!
Hi Rachel,
Belated happy anniversary to you and Bob.
There are so many good lessons packed into this series on self-advocacy. I was checking your site regularly and seeing “Adventures in Self-advo…” and then I would think I had seen it and commented already, so I’d move on. It was only today that I read the whole title and realized you were doing a series! I guess I’ve been feeling a bit rushed lately
Your experience at the hotel reminded me of the old saying: “if you want to hear your tune, don’t talk to the monkey, go straight to the organ-grinder.” That analogy bothers me somewhat because it could be seen to imply that all employes below senior management are “monkeys,” but having been below senior management all my life I suppose I am allowed to use it.
I wrote about my inadequate self-advocacy in my post, “The Joys of Socializing” on Nov. 4/10. In this situation I was particularly bothered by glare and noise, and I put others ahead of my own needs to an extent that I paid a higher price than necessary. I learned from that experience and my next visit was less stressful because I allowed myself to cater to my legitimate needs. I think that is part of it, recognizing that our needs really are legitimate and not feeling bad about that.
I really appreciate the way you are detailing your experiments in self-advocacy. You have given me encouragement to take better care of myself by your example. And I can see how the results of your learning will save me from having to figure it out all over again by myself.
Giving thanks or expressing gratitude is an act of kindness that has always paid back more in happiness than it cost me. My only regret is that I don’t always act on my good intentions and then it eventually seems too late. So I am making an effort to act on those impulses before they fade.
In that light I would like to thank you, Rachel, for this blog. It is such a helpful resource.
Bruce
Thank you, Bruce. I’m going to add more to this series as I have further adventures.