Why do you stay in the marriage?
An acquaintance recently asked my husband this question. He asked it not because my husband had expressed any unhappiness with our marriage, but because I have Asperger’s.
How do I begin to explain all the ways in which this question hurts?
Let’s start with the assumption that my husband must be unhappy in our marriage, despite the fact that we are both quite delighted to be married to each other. It’s rather common for disabled people to hear others make that assumption. It’s an assumption based on the notion that disabled people are a trial and a tribulation to those who love us. So I knew, at that moment, that I wasn’t alone. It was somewhat comforting to know I wasn’t alone, but mostly, it was very painful to know that I wasn’t alone, and that so many of us still go through these experiences.
And then, there is a stereotype at work here, an assumption that people with Asperger’s are all alike, and that we make relationships difficult simply by virtue of being autistic. Somehow, when one partner has Asperger’s, generalizations replace specifics, and the idea that relationships are a two-way street, in which each party can be a challenge to the other, gets lost.
While I was still reeling from having heard the question, only one answer came to mind, and it was the answer I was hoping my husband had given:
Because I love her.
It’s not the one he gave. I was disappointed at first. When someone implies something negative about me, I immediately go to the place of wanting my husband to profess his love for me, in a very loud and declamatory voice, from the nearest rooftop.
But now I’m glad he didn’t give that answer. Simply saying that he loves me runs the risk of implying that he stays in the marriage not because of what I bring, but out of something akin to heroism. It ignores the ways in which I ground his life, in which I nourish his heart, in which I support him in all of his struggles. It has the potential to reinforce the notion that, because of my disability, I am a burden that he carries with saintly patience. And it suggests that he should have to profess his love for me, rather it simply being a given, as it should be for any husband and wife.
So he didn’t say he loved me. Instead, this is what he said:
Because it works for me.
It’s a brilliant answer. It really is. It takes the entire conversation out of the realm of disability and into the realm of why anyone stays in a marriage. You stay because it works for you. It may be hard work sometimes, and it may be a rocky road sometimes, but that’s marriage. Certainly, you also stay because you love the other person, but that’s not enough to keep a marriage going. Lots of people who love each other break up because the marriage stops working for one or both of them, and because there is nothing that anyone can do to fix it.
So yes, my husband is married to me because it works for him. And I am married to him because it works for me. Each of us can be a trial to the other at times, but the same is true for any two married people. We are not married despite the challenges each of us puts in the path of the other, but because of them. They help us to grow, to love, and to understand life in ways that we could never begin to do without the other.
© 2011 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
Why in the hell would anybody even ask that? That sucks, Rachel. That really really sucks
You’re AWESOME. That should be in your list, there, too….
I think the question was based on a stereotype of people with Asperger’s. That’s all I can come up with. It’s probably a question that has gone through the minds of a number of other people without being expressed quite so directly. Knowing what I do about the stereotypes, I have to assume that some people who don’t know me have asked themselves what a wonderful loving man like Bob is doing with an autistic person like me. But that’s why I write and put myself out there in the world. I delight in leaving a trail of broken stereotypes behind me.
But anywho, the next time someone asks that question, my husband can say, “Because she’s completely awesome.” In addition to being disarming, it has the virtue of being true.
Because it works for me. Yes. That is the perfect answer.
My husband is very good at speaking his truth in a very gentle and powerful way.
My answer: “…because no one else would want me!” I’m ok with that!
Hahaha!
laughing/crying, wondering if the person who asked was within your earshot (wouldn’t that be the kicker?)
agh. but great answer, Bob. I have insecure fears that people ask my husband the same thing.
No, he wasn’t. The only thing worse than hearing about these things second-hand is hearing them in person.
Great response to such as insensitive and frankly ridiculous question. I like the idea of putting it back on the questioner with, “why wouldn’t I?”
But Jill’s awesomeness approach would probably work well too
“Why wouldn’t I?” is an excellent response.
I think this question goes through a lot of people’s minds when they look at NT-autistic marriages. This particular person just happened to say it out loud.
This just floors me.
Do you mind if I reference back to this for a blog post I’m working on?
You are free to link to anything I put on my blog. Thanks for asking!
Rachel,
Since you were so kind, I just wanted to share what I did wind up posting.
http://defyingthespectrum.blog.com/?p=71
Thanks so much!
Excellent post, Jennifer!
I can’t believe they asked that. It was a perfect answer but just to be snarky he should ask why that person’s spouse is with them. That is the better question!
People are unbelievable.
Since my introduction to the world of disability three years ago, I’ve been astonished to discover how many things people say without realizing that their words are hurtful. It took being on the receiving end to really get it. Pre-diagnosis, if I had heard someone say ask a question like this, I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it. My knowledge of Asperger’s was so limited (and so negative) that I probably would have thought it was a valid question. It’s amazing what a few years in the trenches will do for you.
I adore you. And now I adore your husband, too. Bless him for his awesome answer. His honesty and gentleness shine.
I would have gone through the same mental wrangling as you did, I hoping for the “Because I love her” reply. Yet, this response is so much more empowering.
Good for you two!
Thanks, Lori. I think he’s pretty wonderful, too.
When I was married, my husband told someone I had Asperger’s. Their comment? “I’m sorry.” He hadn’t been looking for pity. Yeah, that really sucks, Rachel. I’m glad it works for you two, as it does for many other people.
Wow. I’m so sorry that you’ve encountered the same kind of comment, Paula. That’s awful.
I join everyone else here in being astonished at what some people will say. Empathy fail? Geez.
Bob sounds awesome, and you two look so cute together.
We ARE so cute together.
I’m so glad you wrote this now, as I am struggling with the question of whether my marriage is working for me. I don’t think my husband would give anywhere near an answer like this, and it makes me sad but also opens my eyes to a whole other aspect of the issue.
Thank you for sharing. And I also love the picture – you make an adorable couple!
I am sorry you are going through a hard time, AM. ((((hugs))))
You know, you could practically run a competition of funny (and other) replies one could make to that question.
It’s true!
Personally, my answer would have been something more akin to ‘Because he’s worth it’. Because no marriage is without its trials. I bring some through my Asperger’s–Owls brings some through his family history (and that’s only the most obvious sources). I’d be lying to say that it isn’t stressful at times, but I put up with it not because I feel I have to, but because I want to be with HIM, and the family drama is part and parcel of that.
Still, that makes it sound like it’s something I ‘put up with’, when I see it as something which simply ‘is’.
I like your answer, Jayn. Very much to the point. Both people bring their challenges to a marriage.
I can understand why someone might be curious but even I know that’s a social no-no.
Anyway … excellent answer Bob!
Yes, he’s good with getting to the heart of things!
Thanks for all the great feedback and support, folks. For me, this is simple: Our marriage “works for me” because Rachel and I love each other, and because we’re both working very hard to understand and accept each other as we are. That’s what transforms “love” into something far deeper — something for which I don’t have a name, but something that I know is very much worth working for and with. “Love” is very nice — but this is very special!
(And yes, we are a very cute couple…)
Thank you, honey. I agree on all counts.
Good lord. And they say we’re the ones who have problems with social skills and empathy.
What an awful, callous, nasty thing to say to anyone much less someone who’s married to an aspie. So people think just because your husband married someone with a disability his marriage is any of their darn business? And they think they have the right to come between him and you like that? I’m just…floored….
What makes it so bad is it’s not even enough that so many marginalize you already. Now folks are trying to get your loved ones to join in as well. Just like middle school accept these people are supposed to be adults not 12 year-olds.
You’re definitely a good one. Because if that was me he was talking crap about, I would have torn that person a new one.
Oh, and by the way, it’s happened to me to, albeit with my boyfriend at the time rather than a spouse. His friend asked him what he saw in me…because I wasn’t exactly the “sharpest knife in the drawer” according to him.
Mind you I had already gotten my bachelor’s degree. So his and other people’s remarks about my intelligence (and sanity) feel all the more painful since it means the truth doesn’t even matter to anyone.
[...] The Perfect Answer appears here by permission. [...]
Wonderful. I wonder what my wife would say if someone asked her about her marriage of 23 years to her aspie husband. I hope she’ll say what your husband said.
You should pass this post on to her, just in case she’s temporarily rendered speechless by the question.
My gosh, what a horribly insensitive thing to say, and yet a great comeback by Bob! The person’s comment is an unkind thing to say about anyone, and I’m guessing he isn’t someone who thinks much of commitment. But Bob does sound like a keeper, doesn’t he?
Thanks, aspieteacher. I feel so lucky to have Bob as my husband. He’s an amazing man.
My brother has aspergers. For most of his life we didn’t know this (he’s 17 now). People have always commented on or questioned his behaviour, which I’ve never understood, because to me he just is the way he is and I love him for it.
I can relate to that feeling you’re describing here. My mom once asked me, if I wanted to join a support group for siblings of people with aspergers. But to me that was the same as saying that he’s a problem to be dealt with and he’s not.
Obviously we have had our issues, but so have all brothers and sisters.
The diagnosis helped us gain some tools though – to handle some situations more smoothly than before (mostly social ones) and thus he’s become more relaxed.
But every person has stuff he/she needs to work on, with or without a handicap. However, I don’t feel angry about people’s ignorance as much as I feel a responsibility to enlighten them.
Hi Nanna, thanks so much for your beautiful comments. Have you seen Amanda Baggs’ post on a similar subject? I think you would relate:
http://ballastexistenz.wordpress.com/2006/11/04/what-people-are-supposed-to-be-doing/
I wish more people in the world thought about things as you do. Keep speaking your mind on it, a person at a time.
Wow. What an interesting question. I sure wouldn’t want to know Jason’s answer. Ha! Marriage definitely has its challenges and I often wonder if mine is any more challenging than others. I doubt it though. I think my marriage is different in that no two marriages are alike. Tonight, for example, he has been exceptionally challenging. Jason is grouchy, anxious and an overall pain in the ass. But in turn, he is so amazing because he is pushing through his own suffering to help our little boy work through a challenging project. I don’t know whether to punch him or hug him. Once The little one goes to bed, My work of sensory therapy begins to help Jason calm down. Now my night will be busy working away . . . All in all, I’ve never laughed with anyone like I do Jason. I have never loved and hated anyone as much as I do Jason. But all in all, I agree with your hubby. This works for me.
Good answer Bob.
I wanted to thank you for writing this. My wife of 12 years has Autism, and I thought we were the only ones who got asked such a stupid question. I suspect the base issue is that people who have no disabilities cannot see the value in those who do. I myself have ADHD and I’ve found that, beyond our love for each other, we compliment each other quite well. Her strict adherence to regime, love of learning, encyclopedic vocabulary, and blatant honesty have become a cornerstone of my existence, and I don’t know how I could get along without her.
To say simply that I love my wife would not only be stating the obvious, but would be undervaluing the things that she brings into my life. We are a partnership, each supporting the other in the ways that count the most.
I’m a bit late replying to this, my wife recently found this article and thought I would find it interesting. After reading I felt moved to reply and offer my thanks for you writing this.
Loved all the comments above and especially Rachel’s personal response to each. My father had an accident as a child and went totally blind in time, before he met and married my mother. He had an incredibly sharp mind and a quick sense of humour. When someone said to my mother, over 40 years ago, “I think you’re wonderful for marrying him” she was lost for words. It actually insults and belittles them Both, don’t you think? Without skipping a beat, my Dad, who was not deaf, retorted with, “What about me? I think I’m pretty bloody marvellous for marrying her too. You don’t know the half of it…” Well, that left everybody speechless…People also used to do things like ask Mum “Would your husband like a cup of tea?” to which she would reply, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Him?” We Aussies like to keep a sense of humour about things. I went on to do Social Work because we know people are people – not labels. It’s ignorance and ill manners that lead some people to think that those who are a bit different (and aren’t we all?) are ‘lesser than…’
Sorry to go off topic. I know many people who have ASD, in my own family as well. I just wanted to expand on the insensitivity of people who don’t think before they speak or ask stupid questions.